Why Americans Are Wrong About Drones

History Won’t Look Kindly on the Way We Think About Unmanned Military Aircraft

There’s been quite a lot of talk about drones in political forums these days, and what’s passed for commentary has been dismaying to say the least. Everything you hear about UCAV’s on TV, on the internet, even by the water cooler smacks of uninformed and ignorant rhetoric. Some call them “unsettling,” others “ethically problematic.” I’ve even heard some people go so far as to suggest that drones “undermine the United States’ credibility abroad.”

It’s about time that people in America heard a voice of reason on this subject, a voice of understanding — a voice of tolerance. If a man or woman in this country is in love with an armed military plane, where does the rest of America get the nerve to tell them they can’t get married?

It doesn’t matter to me what kind of drone we’re talking about: whether you’re a just a standard Predator Drone trying to start a family, or a USAF Hunter-Killer looking for something more serious than a casual fling with the occasional trained military drone operator. Even if you’re a foreign BAE Taranis just looking for a Green Card, the right to marry ought to be universal, no questions asked. The fact is that there is nothing about drones that isn’t consistent with U.S. marriage laws or the U.N.’s charter on human rights.

This is the land of opportunity, where all Unmanned Air Vehicles are created equal, or so we’re led to believe. These drones have served their country — are we really going to let some ancient, backwards idea that marriage should be between a two sentient, land-based humanoids hold them back from having the rights we are all supposed to enjoy? The religious zealots mount their soapboxes and scream tired old proverbs like “it’s ‘Adam and Eve,’ not ‘Adam and Lethal Miniature Aerial Munition System (LMAMS).’” We, as people who believe in liberty and goodness, ought to scream right back that love conquers all!

Except suspected terrorist activity within Federally Administered Tribal Areas along the Afghan-Pakistani border. Those can only be solved through precision aerial strikes.

And can these supposed “moralists” really claim that they’ve never felt sexual desire for a drone in their entire lives? Human sexuality is complicated: almost everyone at some point in their life finds themselves aroused by the sight of a nice pair of Rafael Spike-LR anti-tank missiles, sensually deploying in the warm Afghan breeze. Just take a look at the sleek sheen of a drone’s body, or run your fingers along the lilting curves of its hull, and tell me you don’t think about sliding right into that cockpit.

But I fear I’m straying from the topic at hand. Whether or not you understand what it’s like to spend a wild night with a Spagem Sprewer still hot from combat, you ought to give people who do the chance to make a proper airborne war machine out of their weaponized lovers. The fact is that drones live all around us: some are filming your favorite team’s home game and beaming it straight to your television; some are delivering your Amazon Prime packages to your door within 30 minutes of your order; there’s probably a drone watching you right now, wishing you’d return its furtive infared glances. It’s about time this country recognized their validity, both as marriageable entities and as essential tools in the war on terror.

Of course, this applies to humans who want to marry drones: drones shouldn’t be able to marry one another. The Bible is pretty clear on that.