Have You No Business Of Your Own To Mind?

“There are no innocent bystanders … what are they doing there in the first place?” — William S. Burroughs

It can be hard to mind your own business sometimes. But mind it you should. Waiting to reverse into a parking space outside a music venue should be a straight forward operation. There’s always someone who wants to cross the road and bang on the window. They want to tell you where a better place to park is. If you reject their suggestion they will insist on guiding you into the parking space by standing in the way until you have to stop, get out, and ask them to move out of the way. Sometimes, the crew from the venue will move the bollards to allow you to park. But when you start to reverse, another car will pull into the space and the driver will argue that they were there first. It happens. All you can do is be kind and gentle. How are they to know what they do?

Simon from Framework Studios first coined the phrase “Mystery Cunt” to describe this sort of person. The one who takes your parking space as you try to manouver a large vehicle. The one who starts an endless order of food and drink, peppered with questions about meal deals and happy hour prices, when you only want one drink, and you are next. The one who appears whilst you are trying to take a piss and starts asking you for directions or help working a mobile phone app. These people are everywhere. And I’m not just talking about the Neighbour with a Drill, Traffic Wardens or German Traffic Police.

I was in Hannover with Last Under The Sun a few years ago, Simon had decided to sleep in the van overnight. In the morning he woke up needing the toilet. Right next to where the van was parked, there was a suitable bit of ground and some bushes to provide some privacy. Someone was stood exactly there already. Simon rolled a smoke and decided to wait. And wait he did. He had a smoke and twenty minutes later the bloke was still stood in the way. The mystery man was stood there with a plastic bag of shopping at 7am. In the middle of nowhere, just where Simon wanted to go. 40 minutes later Simon was beginning to rage with anger. Why wouldnt this bloke just go away. He could stand anywhere, why just there? And then a bus pulled up, the doors opened and the mystery man stepped aboard. The bus pulled away and Simon was able to access the area in peace. Nobody did any harm, but you get the idea. Simple things can sometimes prove troublesome.

I was working with a film crew in London this week. I had just dropped them at a hotel in the middle of town, they were going to film someone talking about hat making, over tea and cake. Traffic Wardens and Armed Police paced up and down the street. I was trying to mind my own business and eat a cheese sandwich. I was in a marked parking bay and in theory, that should have been fine. But no. I was dressed in black, sat in a black van, with blacked out windows, trying to mind my own business, eating a sandwich. Traffic Wardens and Armed Police seem to take an interest in anyone parked up, trying to mind their own business. I suppose they call it suspicious behaviour. I decided to open my laptop and answer some emails but no, it’s just not that easy. Every few minutes, armed police would slowly walk past taking a look through the window trying to see what I was up to. If that wasn’t enough, a traffic warden stood in front of the van and it looked like they were taking my details. Have these people no business of their own to mind? That’s right, I’ve deployed a renegade film crew to document the guerilla hat maker woman in the hotel over the road. They are eating cake and drinking tea and some clown is playing a piano. The production manager is trying not to burst into flames. It was time to move. In the words of Captain Nemo from 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea by Jules Verne “I have done with society for reasons that seem good to me.”

I moved to a location about ten minutes away. I found a quiet street by a park, and a row of empty parking bays in the shade. No armed police or traffic wardens, just a quiet residential street by a park, no other vehicles. Ideal. I turned the engine off and opened the laptop.

After an hour or so I noticed a woman walking down the street. She was in her 30’s and dressed in a pleasant outfit. She was staring at me. I tried to look away but I could feel her eyes burning into me as she got closer and closer. I looked up and she was still staring at me. I tried to look busy as she walked past the window. But she didnt walk past the van, she went up the steps to the house next to where I was parked, rang the doorbell and turned to look at the CCTV camera in the entrance way. The door opened and she walked in but I didnt see who opened the door. I went back to emails and minding my own business. A few minutes later another woman walked down the street, and she too was staring at the van. I tried to look busy again but she made no effort to hide the fact she was giving me a long cold stare. Like the other one, she didnt pass the van, she walked up the steps, rang the bell, and looked into the CCTV camera. The door opened and she went in.

I considered my position and decided to move into the back seat of the van where the blacked out windows would stop anyone staring at me or knowing I was there. I was trying to mind my own business so this seemed like the right thing to do.

A few minutes later another woman walked down the street and like the others, she was looking at the van. As she got closer I could see her looking into the van to see who was inside. I tried to keep out of sight as she walked up the steps and went to the door like the other two.

I looked up at the door and noticed a loveheart hanging by the door bell. The curtains were all closed. The house next door had it’s curtains open, and no bars across the windows. This address clearly had the curtains closed and CCTV above the door. I realised I was parked outside somewhere that was not as it seemed.

Two more women followed and then I noticed a bloke stood at the end of the road. He was stood there, looking at the van. He stood there and didnt move. He stared. What is this I thought? The day of the mystery cunts or something? I decided to sit and watch. If the mystery man could stare at me, then I was going to sit and stare back. After a few minutes he started to walk towards the van. This was not good. He wasn’t even a traffic warden. He got closer and he was clearly staring at the van. I was the only vehicle parked on the street. A black van with blacked out windows. I was wearing black. On a hot sunny day, on a quiet residential road trying to mind my own business.

Like the others, he went up the steps and rang the bell. He looked at the CCTV and the door opened. This time a girl wearing lingerie opened the door with a big smile. Yes. Time to move. It was not day of the mysetery cunts after all. I was the mystery cunt. I was parked up outside the only address on the street trying to go about it’s business in peace. I put the computer away and decided to climb into the front seat and move the vehicle. Too late. Another bloke was standing at the end of the road. He too was standing and staring at me. I thought I would wait for him to go and then move. But like the other one he stood and stared. I realised that in a fit of humour some time ago I had changed the ID on my computer to “Drugs Surveillance Van.” I had enjoyed the idea that any police with scanners in the area might just leave me alone to mind my own business. I had forgotten all about my computer ID. And I was parked up right outside an address that probably had cause to consider who I was, and what I was doing there. The bloke started to walk down the street. I hid in the backseat trying to keep out of sight. He went up the stairs and rang the door bell. As the door opened, he looked over his shoulder at the van as a different girl, this time in pyjamas welcomed him in.

Time to go. I climbed into the front seat and tried to remember what I had done with the keys. In the mirror I could see another bloke walking down the street. I fired the engine and pulled out…I drove down the street and round the corner. Sometimes it can be easy to look at everyone else as an idiot, or an obstruction to your own ends. But in reality, consider yourself first. You are an idiot. Robert Anton Wilson referred to the idea of “the cosmic schmuck.” Let me explain:

The search for certitude — like the pretense of moral righteousness — appears to me as a medieval habit that should have vanished long ago. None of us knows enough to be certain about anything, and none of us are nearly as ‘moral’ as we feel obliged to pretend we are in order to be acceptable to ‘Decent’ Society.

If we are not stupid and selfish on all occasions, we are about as bright and ethical as anyone in history has ever been. The greatest batters in the history of baseball all had batting averages well below 0.500, which means they missed more than half the time they swung. Medieval morality and theology have left us with the hypocritical habit of pretending batting averages close to 0.999 in both knowledge and ethics. (The Absolutists go around talking and acting as if their averages were actually 1.000 or sheer perfection.)

There thus appears to be a great deal of conceit and self — deception in the habitual poses of intellectual certitude and ethical perfection among the educated classes. It would appear more in keeping with honesty, I think, to recognize, as analogous to Murphy’s Law, the unscientific but useful generalisation called the Cosmic Schmuck Principle.

“The cosmic schmuck principle holds that if you occasionally notice that you’ve been thinking or acting like a cosmic schmuck, you will become less of a cosmic schmuck, and the more often you notice that you’re thinking and acting like a cosmic schmuck, the less of a cosmic schmuck you become.

On the other hand, if you never, never, never suspect you might be thinking or acting like a cosmic schmuck, you will remain a cosmic schmuck for the rest of your life.” - from Maybe Logic — the Lives and Ideas of Robert Anton Wilson

So in simple terms. You and I are idiots, and we don’t even know it. Stop it. Just considering you might be an idiot is the first step. Start today. Just don’t lose the van keys.

I am available for hire…..