Ashley I enjoyed your essay. What I find hopeful is that your self awareness seems to be increasing over the years, even as the struggle continues to be difficult. Self awareness doesn’t cure mental illness, no doubt. However I believe the more of it we can develop, the more strategies we can see to try that are well matched to us, thereby giving us better odds of making real positive progress. You can be suffering *and* making progress at the same time. Please keep doing that.