Being on the road to recovery is held against you. I keep a job down so I get less help. The reason I want help is to maintain what I have achieved.

This was the phrase I uttered today whilst at an emergency appointment at my community mental health facility. It was just me and Sylv in the room. The CPN dealing with us had just left with an annoyed face after listing to us all of the things he had to now do. You see as a patient with a chronic condition that I have managed myself, with the help of meds for over 10 years, and now I on a day of crisis I get punted in by my wife for help I get shit for it. Being well isn’t for me, being quiet is, apparently. Let’s go to the beginning.

I suffer from bipolar type two with other things. The other things are the issue right now. I get intrusive disturbing thoughts and panic attacks. These mostly have been at night. I sedate myself at night so I have been coping. It is true that I dread every night, I have learned that getting help from the NHS for night issues gets you branded a drug seeker. I have reported my declining wellness to mental health folks 6 weeks ago. Nothing has happened. So I live with this cycle.

Today. I have been having these things hit me in the day time. I cannot live with that pain. At 2 today I wanted to die. At 2 today I was scared because I saw no reason not to die. I make everyone’s life worse. I make Sylv’s life difficult. At 2.15 Sylv called me as my messages were unusual. I had been sitting on the floor in the kitchen rocking. Not wanting to be. It is 5 now. I am a human again.

Sylv phoned the mental health folks, they said to phone the police. This was on her way home. She didn’t, she met me en route.

This was a blip. A bad one. I have been having them. We went to the mh folks, they assessed me as being ok as I wasn’t suicidal at that point. My psych was on holiday. Not much happened.

There is no happy ending. I have to wait for something to happen. There is no money, I get treated like a drug seeker or a liar. Sylv hoped for a solution today. I have been at this for 20 years.

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