How to Write Emails Like a Hollywood Asshole

Making sure everyone knows you’re evil using text alone.

DISCLAIMER: No identification with actual humans or humanity or kindness or justice or goodness is intended or should be inferred.

I got a job on my first day in Los Angeles. It was a great opportunity, the kind people in small towns dream about while watching TMZ. Executive assistant to a powerful Hollywood agent, consigliere to a handful of the most famous people in the world. He was an endorsements agent, meaning that he handled multi-million dollar contracts between major brands and his stable of A-listers. In reality, he didn’t do much of anything besides say no. Or n[.

His lunch was my responsibility. He only consumed food from one of three or four high-end delivery restaurants on Sunset at the bottom of the hill. The orders were always strange and dispassionate. My favorite was a $27 turkey burger which he ordered with no bun, no sides, and lots of ketchup. He ate this hamster pellet of protein alongside a primordial green soup that he kept in a Tupperware container in the refrigerator, right next to the fresh botox injections.

Other things that were my responsibility to procure were a brown paper bag of anonymous “spices” kept in a mailbox on the Bird Streets, a whole pharmacy of medication…