Relationships as a Child of Divorce
For reference, I was 4 when my parents parted ways. Although its challenges shaped me, there are many ways to adapt to circumstances.
This is a response to http://www.annabash.com/blog/divorce .
This article covers one way that this can manifest, but not necessarily the only one. My perspective on each of the pieces. Words are one format of showing love, it’s one of the 5 love languages and is how certain people express their care. I hold value in the words, but just find them to be a specific format of accessing that care.
I feel that when I was younger I kept people at a distance, but I opened up to people pretty thoroughly since then. I don’t fear abandonment, the way I internalized that same concept was that there are times when what’s best for someone I care about isn’t what’s best for me and it’s necessary for us to part ways. I saw how much happier and more fulfilled my mother’s life was once she parted ways with my father. I get that it’s better to release than to continue pumping poison for the fear of letting go. I also don’t have any need to hide that part of myself.
The talk about promises is something that aligns with me in many ways. I view a promise as a range of probabilities based on ways in which I’ve observed the person’s behavior before. I don’t think of a promise as certainty. On a more out there viewpoint, I think that making statements about eternity is something that’s kind of irresponsible to do. They reference wedding vow-esque things here and I don’t think that’s something for humans to give. We aren’t omniscient, what’s important to us may change and grow in varying ways. It’s possible for someone to make a promise to do something or be somewhere. At the time it occurs it’s not really what’s best for them and I prioritize both people’s self care and growth more than I do any promises. This became much more clear for me when I went through really traumatic shit and got let down by people in my life. It was painful, but it gave me greater insight and helped me realize that it’s not the end of the world.
Fears of value tied specifically to a partner’s view is dangerous. If I’m not worth it to them, that’s okay. As I flow through my path I’ll encounter someone more mutually beneficial, that way me, my new partner(s) and previous partner(s) will all achieve greater happiness.
Relinquishing control is something I’ve had to invest a lot of time and energy in getting better at, but I feel I’m at a really healthy place with it now. Nothing is mine to control, I respect the autonomy of others.
The way this ties the quest for permanence with unconditional love I find kind of dangerous. Trying to force something to be permanent means that it will warp and distort.