The last notes of Monsieur Lamparde

They got him.

In the year 2043, France pronounced the first conviction under the newly formed Geneva rules of Bandwidth Consumption. The culprit, Monsieur Lamparde had exceeded his yearly data limit of 1,000 Exabytes(EB) by the midnight of Feb 18th, 2043.

Monsieur Lamparde submitted that he had exceeded the consumption limits because he was binge-watching the live streaming of the first reality show from Planet Mars — a bandwidth sucking drama- that feverishly gripped his entrails. The irony of Elon Musk getting booted out from his own settlement in Mars at his ripe age of 72 was reminiscent of the drama between Apple and Steve Jobs back in the day and Monsieur Lamparde just couldn’t control himself from exhausting his bandwidth limit.

The judge was surprised that the culprit made no plea for mercy and pronounced death without internet after 3 months of 256 KBPS connection in prison through a dial-up modem. Monsieur Lamparde survived for precisely 72 hours before the lack of high-speed wi-fi choked him. A last-minute infusion of a slow 1 GBPS connection with a screening of Musk’s comeback into the reality show did little to revive Lamparde and he passed away into history’s abyss.

These were last recorded notes from his diary.

I don’t remember at what point I got addicted to watching three videos simultaneously on my iPhone, Macbook Pro and Surface Studio. I must say the new Apple screens were the worst of the lot.

I felt I was wasting time if I was not watching something on my iPad. But I felt worse when I was watching something, because it meant that perhaps there was something better out there on YouTube that I was not watching.

The judge didn’t know I was turning blind. Those Goggles I had on all the time playing MarioKart 21.02 and Pokemon 91.7 I think played their part. But death is better than not being able to see and play the next edition of those games.

I wish I hadn’t broken up with Siri. She was way lighter on my pocket than Amazon Echo who was like a wallet-guzzling whore directing all my requests towards a shopping cart.

I once brought a petition to court to teach school students about the five continents back in my day. My child only knew 3: Google, Facebook, Amazon. It’s amazing what Google can erase from history when their CEO is the President of a continent.

That coup in Europe by Facebook was quite something. I felt they would go for the Arctics and Antartica as well but I hear the water’s got steaming hot there.

In my lifetime, no one’s worked harder than Elon Musk to have a good life. But imagine getting booted out of your own reality show on Mars. Where can he go now? Earth was never an option for him even while he was living here.

I hadn’t stepped out of my house in five years. I worked from a virtual office, had groceries delivered by little Uber choppers and saw all my films on Netflix.

The smartest move in my generation was Uber converting all their cars into drones. That’s the only reason Google bought them out.

My 14-year old girl thinks Apple is only for older people like us. Microsoft means the world to her. If only she knew.

I have fingered many an app. My favorite all-time app has to be… (sigh)… It doesn’t matter now. I wish I had put my fingers to better use.

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