Lauren Modery

Dearest Lauren,

I am someone who does in fact live in one of those fancy tiny houses. One of the fanciest in fact. When I drink wine in my tiny house my pinky ALWAYS goes up and out. As does my chin. I thoroughly enjoyed your perception of what it’s like to live tiny. As someone that’s been living tiny for almost a year I feel I can probably enlighten you to the religion that is tiny house living. (spoiler alert: It is not a religion.)

I do lie awake most nights with the ceiling about 42” from my face but mainly because I have terrible insomnia. We’re lucky in that our sink doesn’t function as our toilet, shower and sink. I was smart enough to add not only a kitchen sink in my tiny house — but a sink in the bathroom AND a fully blissful shower which converts to a sauna.

One of your salient points was regarding the zombie apocalypse. Allow me to make a few better points:

  1. Zombies aren’t real — so there is that. (In the event an outbreak doesn’t break out we will still be just fine.)
  2. Our house is mobile and completely off the grid. If I want to live in jabumble field in the middle of anywhere ‘Murica I can do that. If the sh!t hits the fan and there is no legal tape to deal with — and there wouldn’t be in an apocalypse — then I’m headed to someplace that I’m not willing to admit online. This leads me to my next point.
  3. Just because my house is small doesn’t mean I can’t defend it. I have enough ammo and supplies to make the Terminator wet. Not the 1st Terminator but the 2nd one where John Connor programmed him to feel human emotions and such. I, theoretically, could store an arsenal in here to keep me and my life mate safe for years on end. Remember there’s only one front door to defend and only one window that could be reached on the first floor without a step ladder or higher order level of thinking and processing. As you are probably aware most zombies do not possess deductive reasoning or higher levels of thinking. Did you even see Dawn of the Dead (the original and the remake)? That mall was basically the size of your house and they spent over 2 hours of quality movie time defending that thing before a breech. They would have to make a trilogy about us because we wouldn’t be killed in the first movie. Or the second. Maybe the third. But that’s only because some trust-fund hipster would drive into it with his or her $80,000 Land Rover while drinking PBR. (That’s the kind of plot most third movies in a trilogy series offer.)

As someone who has worked in a Mexican restaurant and is a self-proclaimed connoisseur of chorizo we should discuss your fetish: Mexican food farts. Yes they exist. Everywhere. Tiny house or not. I don’t care how big or small your house is it will follow you. It lives a chemtrail behind you. A crop dust of Mexican food farts if you will. A tiny house will not save you from this. Neither will your $1600 a month 800 sq ft apartment in mid-level metropolis.

Let’s talk about sexy time. I’ll keep this brief because I’m a gentleman and I don’t like to kiss and tell: I have sex in my tiny house the same way I have sex anywhere else — usually with my pants down and pretty close to my partner. Yes the lofts are low but that’s why the internet exists so you can buy things from China. Or Switzerland. I heard theirs are better. And for what it’s worth my tiny house is leaps and bounds larger and more comfortable than the back seat of my Volkswagen and that got me through college with high honors (baby if you’re reading this that actually didn’t happen).

You did make a really excellent point though about cleanliness. No my house isn’t clean all the time. We can be slobs. One of the downsides of owning a tiny house is that it takes about 20 whole minutes to clean my house from top to bottom. That’s pretty awful. And we have a big dirty dog. She loves the tiny house surprisingly. She has a bed, a cot, a crate built into the stairs but most of the time she hangs out with us on our chaise lounge sofa or sleeps with us in bed.

As far as guests are concerned: well we don’t like guests. So that solves that.

Anyway if you have any other questions about living in a fancy tiny house feel free to reach out.


One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.