I realize: The connection I can’t disengage from.

— I’m not editing or looking back on this. —

I come to Houston often; more so to clear my head and knock myself back on a track I was once on. I always come back to my area of living more motivated, with more wisdom, more of a feel for life. But coming back to the D.C. area, I realized something I struggle with.

Not being able to get pass my past, has hindered my ability to progress in life. Being connected to a person is much deeper than I thought it to be; honestly it’s killed me slowly since the end of the connection. I’m honest with myself, I think, I’ll be the third to admit I can’t move on. I’m sorry, but I’ve come to a huge realization about it. Sadly, this one connection that began in 2012, feels like a never-ending situation I’ll never get over.

Trust me, I want to get over it… or do I want it all back? (I’ve had more than a few drinks today). Since ending around this time last summer, it’s been one of the rockiest roller coasters I’ve taken a seat on. Whether it’s casual outings, “dates,” talking with another, or potential sexual activity, every locus feels wrong to my conscious; SHE still deserves my ever-giving loyalty.

I’ve had God on the phone about this situation, leading me in the right direction. However, it’s easier said than done, I never got it done after it was said.

I’m honestly not sure what the next step is, but for sure admitting to myself and you, the reader, that I’m stuck in the past is a big step for me.

I’ll never forget my friend mentioning that I should think about life without her. At the time, I’m like “there’s no such thing, she’ll be here forever.” Eventually I realized that there’s no such thing. However, I felt (and maybe still) that this was supposed to be permanent. Permanence is not of truth and I should seek my way out of false thoughts. I’m not sure where I go next, but Lord knows I’ve been in this exit process for a year now. I feel lame writing this but I don’t know, it’s tiresome. Yet it all it makes sense why I can’t see myself progressing with another girl. All.Because.of.Her. I can sit here and listen to songs like Migos’ “Can’t Go Out Sad” or A$AP Mob’s “Hella Hoes,” but that’s not truthful to my thoughts.

I’ll figure it out.

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