This Isn’t A Fun or Funny Post.

This isn’t even a particularly well-written post. I just need to get some things out.

Tuesday night before going to bed, I sent a series of texts to a non-white gay friend in a different state.

“Tell me something to calm me down.” “How are you?”

I woke up to response that said, “I’ve been suicidal for 12 hours. I think I’m better now. I think.”

“Me too,” I wrote. “I’m not going to do anything because I’m lazy and I’m worried about who I’d leave behind but I can’t say the ideation hasn’t been there.”

Neither of us lives alone and we promised not to do anything rash.

Between fitful sleep and crying spells, I check up on my friends who I’m worried about via email or text. My queer friends. My non-Christian friends. I’m basically in a life-pact with several friends. I make sure to text other friends good morning and good night, so that they know they’re not alone. I cried in front of my almost 70-year-old mom for the first time yesterday. I think she said something about being survivors but I don’t remember, her butter started to burn on the stove and she had to rush away.

I’m on a small list-serv of people I’ve never met, scattered across the country/globe. People from varied backgrounds. I write long emails to the list-serv. About how I’m worried about sick people. I’m devastated for the DREAMers. I’ve left Twitter and Facebook. I had a friend deliver a message stating that I’ve left Twitter and Facebook. I haven’t suspended anything, I just can’t bring myself to log in. It will anger me. But I do ask my friends how certain people are doing. The ones who I only know of that platform.

I text with my boyfriend and our good friend. They’re both white males. I cry thinking about how I will tell my boyfriend that I don’t want to go fishing with him in southeastern Minnesota any more. He loves to go fishing there. It’s gorgeous. I’ve been there. He also has a racist neighbor at his campsite, who wasn’t there when I visited. I fear for my safety more now than ever.

I do stand up comedy. Sometimes I have to drive to the middle of nowhere for shows. I was always a little worried. Now I’m outright terrified.

I told my boyfriend last night while sitting in front of a bonfire with friends last night. I whispered it. He softly said, “I’ve been thinking about that a lot.” He’s a very thoughtful and kind person. He’s always worried about my safety. He’s heartbroken over everything. We’re all heartbroken.

But I’m also angry and analytical. So here are so things I’d like to address in no particular order.

  1. “This wouldn’t have happened with Bernie. Clinton should have done the work to reach out to Sanders supporters.”

This claim is incredible because it pretty much absolves Bernie Sanders of all his early outreach fuck-ups that lost him the south by a landslide in the primary. He barely tried. He still would have lost but he barely tried. Yet somehow he stays getting the benefit of the doubt on everything. Clinton isn’t innocent here but Sanders also lost for a reason.

2. Voter suppression. There were 868 fewer polling places because the fucking Supreme Court gutted the voting rights act. Voter ID stopped so many people. At one point in North Carolina, only 40 people voted at one location over several hours. North Carolina was a razor thin margin and voter suppression was a huge factor. I am against the death penalty because our justice system is fucked up but I also think that voter suppression is the highest form of treason and should be handled accordingly. I’ve signed absentee ballots for Republicans and they’ve signed mine. Every citizen over 18 should be able to vote. It is the most fundamental part of a democracy. Then you have all the people who can’t vote because they were convicted of a felony or they are felons. Of course, disproportionately people of color. But this got such little coverage. Such little.

3. “We need to understand the anxiety of the white working class.”

Fuck you. Are non-white working class people super chill about the economy or something? Because last I checked, they’re not and they’re also concerned about all the racist white people who got us into this mess. Plus, it was a ton of white people of all economic stripes who voted that way. Rich white people using poorer white people to deflect blame. Along those lines, I need liberals to stop trying to be so sympathetic toward the enemy and more empathetic toward everyone we actually failed to protect. And, as a side note, if you donated to the NC GOP after that fire: fuck you.

4. Protest voters/3rd party voters.

Those were worse candidates than Clinton and you know it. Also, you really think you’re going to shake things up from the top down? Okay, well, thanks. I’m sure everyone who couldn’t vote in point 2 appreciated your commitment to understanding US government at the federal level.

I’m so tired. I’m so anxious and sad and scared. I sleep all day and block out everything that isn’t Hallmark Movies. So many Christmas movies. I feel a little better getting this out though.

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