Why Mayor McCheese Would Be A Strong VP Pick For Trump
Why a power-hungry sentient cheeseburger with an abnormally large head could benefit from having Mayor McCheese as his vice president. There’s no way I’m serious about this but Trump is the presumptive nominee for the GOP, so clearly people will fall for anything.
Yesterday, I saw a 2002 ad where the GOP’s presumptive presidential nominee, Donald Trump, was hanging out with noted McDonaldland Purple Grimace. “I love the Purples!” Trump said before drinking a McDonald shake, the traditional ethnic treat of the Purples. He didn’t say that in the ad but I’m sure he said it between takes.
Many are speculating who Donald Trump will select as his Vice Presidential pick. Will it be himself (most likely selection)? Will it be the White Jesus featured in the painting that hangs in the house of the guy “running” his VP search? Perhaps, a Democrat who does not want to see Hillary Clinton win (Jim Webb, Bill Clinton)?
Anyway, between this speculation and the McDonald’s ad, I realized that Trump had a wide network of possible running mates. He needs an every-man (no woman wants on that ticket) but he also needs someone with political know-how. He needs Mayor McCheese. This is going to be a tough sell to noted vegetarian Dr. Ben Carson.
Honestly, I’m not even sure what party Mayor McCheese is. I tend to think he’s a Libertarian based on his small government values. In the 1980’s he fired the very necessary Officer Big Mac, even as the Hamburglar and Captain Crook destroyed any sense of security the citizens of McDonaldland had. Anyway, fiscal conservatives may not like that the Mayor is trash on crime but they do like small government.
How can Trump answer arguments that Mayor McCheese let the Hamburglar rob his town repeatedly? I think he can just say “personal responsibility” and move things along. If you don’t want to be robbed, why are you dressing those hamburgers up so nicely? That kind of thing. Point out that there’s no other crime in McDonaldland. Captain Crook got out of the fish sandwich crime game in the 80’s.
Also, Mayor McCheese was very tough on juvenile crime, installing a vast network of tiny prisons that, it turns out, still trigger all my friends of a certain age. He’s very lucky no one died in one of those. Unless someone did. Which is a very possible thing someone else can Google.
In terms of foreign policy, Mayor McCheese has no experience. Some might say cite Thomas Friedman’s “Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention” from his 1999 book The Lexus and the Olive Tree:
No two countries that both had McDonald’s had fought a war against each other since each got its McDonald’s.
That theory has been discredited. But, you know what, people don’t really care about corrections so he can probably count this as diplomatic experience. Although, if the Mayor cites the golden arches theory, then it’s going to come out that he’s friends with Thomas Friedman and that’s damaging.
Yeah, Mayor McCheese is friends with Thomas Friedman. Thomas Friedman moved over to the New York Times only after McDonaldland folded all its media. Thomas Friedman was basically the Rupurt Murdoch of McDonaldland. He ran all the media. Probably.
Like Trump, Mayor McCheese has had his share of lawsuits. Mayor McCheese tried play like he wasn’t a complete rip-off of H.R Pufnstuf but he was and damages were paid. No one remember this. No one really even remembers the current lawsuit involving Trump University, so I don’t anticipate this being a problem for the Mayor.
Still, Mayor McCheese has campaign offices everywhere. As of 2010, the furthest a McCheese office was from another in the lower-48 is 115 miles. Mayor McCheese has strong ties to groups alienated by Donald Trump. So much so that these people are very sick of the Mayor and want him out of office. Literally getting sick. He’s smothering people will his attention. Ugh.
If Mayor McCheese is Trump’s VP selection, what is Hillary Clinton to do? She should definitely not let Bill Clinton (alleged vegan) near a microphone. He will alienate omnivores and black people. Again. Also, she should not select The King from Burger King as running mate. He is very creepy. I suggest that Hillary Clinton select the smiley face from Walmart as her running mate. Very friendly. Appeals to all genders. Large portions of America relate to it and, more importantly, is the only candidate that can probably take on Mayor McCheese. Plus, it retired in 2006 so it’s got the time. It’s gross but politics are gross. Trump/McCheese vs Clinton/Face.
