The Holiday Guide to Being a Good Guest
(Applicable Year-Round)
I love hosting parties.
There is an art and a science to hosting, and while I can’t say that I”ll ever master it, hosting at last thirty large and many more small parties in the last fifteen years, I can offer an opinion on what makes a good guest.
A few notes on my bias: I am an ambivert (just learned the word!), leaning towards introversion. That means that my social energy is somewhat limited — for example, I need some quiet time before and after a party. There is more to it, and you’ll get it as you read along. I suspect very extroverted hosts might have different feelings about some of these tips, but, as a guest, you won’t go wrong if you follow them.
RSVP = kindly please respond
In addition to it being just plain good manners… here is the thing. Hosting a party is a lot of work. Making a budget, shopping for food and drinks, reserving a space in a restaurant…it gets significantly more complicated if half the people invited have not RSVP-ed.
Respect the fact that someone is taking a day or two out to prepare a festivity where you just get to show up at and have fun. It costs you but a simple click, lets the hosts know you appreciate being thought of, and makes their life much easier.
I know you won’t know how you’ll feel that day, you are waiting to see if another party is scheduled…well, you can always just hit “maybe”, so the hosts know you are alive (and polite).
Fun fact: it turns out that people who never RSVP are also the biggest babies when it comes to throwing their once-in-ten-years party. They practically explode into righteous badgering of guests for a response. I, never the less, promptly RSVP.
Do not call/text/email the day of the event
Particularly not with questions already addressed in the invitation. Unless it is urgent.
Dinner party for 12 and you are suddenly sick? Yes, please call! You are lost? Yes, please call!
A party for 50 and you don’t know what to wear? Please don’t.
The other kind of somewhat inconsiderate inquiry? Any on the topic that’s already answered in the invitation.
I get it. We are good friends, and I am always happy to help you navigate the subtleties of whether you should bring this guy you just met, and whether you can bring that other friend who lives in Oakland…but, please, think scale. It is really hard addressing a myriad of inquiries while shopping, cleaning and cooking. Imagine if all fifty guests started texting with random questions. Not good.
Bring what is asked
And if you don’t, don’t expect someone else to. True stories: a vegetarian relative comes to a potluck completely empty handed, and then asks in an accusatory manner why there is only meat for the grill. Another friend, standing in front of a full bar and a few non-alcoholic options, asks for lemonade, having arriving with a bottle of…nothing! Unusual plights of rudeness, you might think, but these things happen more than you’d imagine.
As we get older, hosting becomes more and more rare — I suspect because it is so labor and time-intensive. So, when it does happen, be gracious, and do your part. It is not hard for one person to contribute a thing or two; it is much harder for the hosts to take care of everything, both time- and $-wise.
Don’t be early
Seriously. I am sure there are uber-organized Martha Stewart types out there who are ready half an hour before the party starts, but for most of us, that time is for putting finishing touches on our outfit and our place, and enjoying a few minutes of relaxation before an avalanche of folks descend upon us. OK. Who am I kidding? If the party is starting at 6, I am probably in the shower at 5:40, so, I beg you, don’t make me come out and delay my prep.
If you happen to screw up the start time and knock early, offer help — and if help is not accepted, take that seriously and make yourself invisible. Grab a drink, sit on the sofa and read something. I recently asked an early arrival to do just that. I explained that the layout of my house is such that I otherwise basically have to run half-naked in front of her if I mean to efficiently get ready. She kept milling around, observing things that were (in her mind) not ready or not right, and asking me questions. I got more explicit and more pleading. She proclaimed that my husband asked her to help in the garden so she had to go back and forth. At that point, I had to basically order her to sit down. She is a good friend, so we got over the tension fast, but, you know…it’s better not to have tension.
What to do if you are (too) late.
I was going to say: “Don’t be (too) late” but I’d be a hypocrite…I’ve been a little and I’ve been very late to parties. Stuff happens, holidays are packed with multiple events on the same night…and I want to see you no matter what time you can show up.
One exception: dinner parties. I am OK with 30-45 minutes of meal belatedness (you get to skip the drink and appetizer/mingling bit), but other hosts may not be. Ask if you are not sure.
For larger events, I am a more liberal hostess than most. I live in the Bay Area where 6 means 6:30, and I am also European, which means that it’s fine if you arrive an hour, two or even three late. Having said that… if you are arriving incredibly late, it is important to pay attention to the party mood.
By the time you arrive to the party with a significant delay, your hostess has might already have been on her feet for 12+ hours. You are full of energy and excited to be there, but she may be hungry, exhausted, and, in the case of this introvert, pining for some alone time. If she hints that she is tired or starts doing the dishes, offer help, but then, for God’s sakes, don’t expect another party to take place at the end of the first one. This goes for late stayers in general— the host’s day has been a lot longer than yours, so if you are one of the three people left and still having a ball while your hosts are passing out on the couch…check out.
Over time, I’ve learned to stop hinting and say: “I am so sorry, I am completely exhausted and have to go to sleep…you guys can hit up the bar around the corner …or perhaps move to your place?” (that last one somehow always gets them — because, much like me, nobody wants the drunken crowd blocking their way to the bedroom). However, not all hosts are capable or comfortable saying that, so don’t make them.
TL’DR: Empathy
Being a good guest is a matter of having some basic empathy for the hosts, and understanding that the party is not about you, but rather…about the party. Organizing and hosting isn’t served well by catering to special last minute requests and centering on the needs of the few rather than creating a great event for the many.
This seems to be hardest to understand for people who don’t host often or at all, but here is the thing. Even if you don’t host yourself, you can follow your hosts’ clues. And if you can’t read body language or are not sure? Just ask. And don’t pout if you get an honest answer.
Acknowledgments
I would hereby like acknowledge with great gratitude the 95% of my friends who are perfect guests. As for the 5%…This article is for you.
Love you, and see you at the next party.
