Stitched Lips

My names Izzy and here’s my story.
With sealed lips, there is no call for Help

Ever wonder growing up in the suburbs of the Bay area as a kid would be like growing up. I always thought that about that as a kid whenever I was around my family. My family was pretty big I grew up being the baby of the family. I have a Mom, Dad, big Brother and older Sister. We always had a family routine growing up Go to school, the whole week go to my grandmothers on the weekends and church.

I was always excited to go to my grandmothers house every Saturday, even before I could walk or talk. Her house was my second home smelling the food shed always cook. I was always excited to know I had a big family, being Mexican of course your going to have a big family. Dinners were really big at any Home especially ours. I had my grandma and grandpa and their kids coming over all the times during the weekends or parties.

The backyard was my favorite place to play as a kid. Thats all I wanted to do was play outside my cousin Juan he was 3 years older than me. He liked wanting to play alot with me and I thought it was super cool. We played for hours and hours till we had to eat lunch or dinner, then go back to playing games.

My family was so safe to be around or so I thought it was.

It was like till I was about the age of 4–5 Juan wanted to play hide n seek with everyone since it was one of my family members birthday. We started counting feet “ bubble gum, bubble gum, in a dish. How many pieces do you get.” Thank god we weren’t it my cousin was it she was older than us by alot. We started running around my house and Juan grabbed my hand and told me to follow him so I did. We went downstairs to the Garage and there was a pantry with curtains on it so we hid behind there.

I asked him.

“Is this a good spot, do you think she’ll find us”

He said,

“No they aren’t gonna find us or mess with us”

Thinking to myself he’s right we’re gonna win. He holds my hand for some reason and I thought it was okay that were probably gonna run if they saw us. He pulled my hand more and made me put it on his chest for some reason, then told me to put under is shirt on his chest and I pulled my hand away because I didn’t know if it was wrong or right.

He said

“Put it back its okay. Dont be a scaredy cat”

He pulled my hand on his chest and put his hand on mine and told em to look at him and I didn’t understand what I was suppose to feel at that point I thought this hide and seek game was taking too long and I told Juan I didn’t wanna hide anymore and he told me he wanted to stay but I didn’t want to. So I ended up getting out of the curtain and yelling

“I’m over in the basement !!”

Everyone comes over and the game ends. We cut cake and we just stayed inside the whole time watching Goosebumps and Freddy Kreuger. By the time we finished watching movies it was time for everyone to go home. My grandma and grandpa were the last to leave. I said bye to everyone and Juan was the last person to say bye to. He hugs me and asks if I’m coming next Saturday.

I said,

“um yah we’re coming like we always do dude!”

Going to bed that night I felt strange about what happened earlier that day. I didn’t think much of it since I didn't understand what it meant or why it happened. It would only happen sometimeswhen he’d tell me to do that after that day.

Those were my first encounters.

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Two years go by and I’m 8 years old I learned alot of new things being elementary school about growing up. Learning alot about puberty, hormones, and sex.

Still going to my grandmothers every weekend, a blast with wonderful moments nothing but good childhood fun. Every afternoon Juan saw me playing outisde in my grandmothers backyard and told me to come to him so I did. He took me through the kitchen into my uncles room and closed it with the lock on it. He told me to sit on the bed so I did.

I didn’t know why he was telling me to sit on the bed facing him. He told me to put my hands on his chest again, so I did it. He was getting closer and he kisses my cheek a couple times and I didn’t feel comfortable. I pulled away and I said to him

“I dont think we should be doing that it’s bad”

He responded

“Its okay baby no ones gonna know if we keep it a secret”

He continued persistently to kiss my cheek and with ever kiss I began to scrunch up feeling worse and worse. He made me turn my head toward his and he made me kiss him and wouldn’t let me breathe. I didn’t understand why he kissed me that way. It scared me it felt like I didn’t know what to do. The fact of knowing everyone was out there and I was stuck inside of my uncles room with Juan made me want to leave the room. I knew it was wrong but I didn’t know what to do. There were so many things runing through my head at that moment.

Everything felt like it froze when I knew I felt so very uncomfortable when he grabbed my chest and started sliding his hands in my shirt and I didn’t want to kiss him anymore and he wouldn't stop. I pulled away and he’d sit me back down on the bed to keep touching my chest and make me kiss him.

Deep inside I was screaming but couldn’t say a word.

I wanted him to to stop touching me, He started to reach lower and touch my behind. I pull away and l wanted to open the door and he told me not to tell and this was “our secret.”

At this point It always felt uncomfortable going to my grandmothers, but I still went. Weeks and weeks past and what happened that day became constant

There was a day I stayed with my Grandma because I didn’t want to go shopping with everyone and Juan stayed too. He told me he wanted to watch a movie and I said what kind of movie.

He said “ A really good one”

It started out as a normal movie turning for the worst, it was a porn movie. He told me to watch what the guy was doing to the girl touching her all over. I knew what they we’re doing but I didn’t understand what they felt or how it really worked. Juan told me he wanted to do those things with me and I was at a loss for words. My voice was nonexistent, completely speechless

He grabbed my by my waist during that porn movie and was rubbing my chest and was kinda hurting me because he was pulling me from there. Juan locked the door again. He pulled my shirt up, it felt like an animal pulling me or some monster. I felt so much more afraid with what was copying from that movie. Juan leaned over and bit my chest and hurt so much, he bit them and pulled them to where I began seeing my skin bruise. He stopped for a moment looking at me. He pulled his pants down, and Juan held my hand

and said,

“Just touch it. It won’t do anything bad.”

I pulled my hand away but he pressed my hand against him,

and said “Hows that feel baby?”

He made me do it for 10 minutes and he made me stop since He heard everyone come home and we left the room and I acted as if nothing happened while Juan glared at me.

___________________________________________________________________

I want to stop feeling his hands on me. I want to stop hearing his voice. I want to forget him.

Please help me forget him

My fear and my mind became overbearing. My mind was over exposed to things I shouldn’t even be doing at this age. My body started to grow anxiety and feeling the depression at my fingertips.

The fingertips I had felt as if they were touching ice whenever I started feeling this way.

To think this all started with a simple game and kiss.

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Everything seemed to turn every weekend I saw the days of the week go to weekends. When one weekended was just my ending point. Where my safety felt no more especially during parties.

Another weekend I already felt my stomach turning just the thought of being at the front door on that Saturday morning. It was one of my cousins birthday’s.

Getting to my families house he came to me so quickly and asked me if i wanted to watch another movie when everyone left.

I just knew it wasn’t another movie he wanted to watch. . .

Everyone left to go outside to party and celebrate and talk while I was stuck.

My anxiety shot up through my spine, my back was already hurting from feeling this weight.

He pulled me so hard into the room and he bent me over and pressed himself against me. I wanted to scream but my fear drowned me out. He began to pull at my jeans pulled them down half way. Feeling his grimey hands touch me, his disgusting breath in my ear. The cousin I thought who made me feel important, made me feel like a tool for his pleasure that I didn’t deserve.

Why did I deserve this?

He pulled my jeans completely down exposing me to him. He reached his hand down towards me and I felt a sharp pain, he was trying forcing his fingers in me and it felt so painful. I told him to stop because he couldn’t achieve what he wanted and he did but he kept touching me down there. This monster turned me over and pressed himself against me. It was only his jeans keeping him away from me from him completely. He put his hands under my shirt againt and he was kissing my chest and I felt my eyes water, I couldn’t take it anymore I felt so afraid and insecure. He made me kiss him forcefully My disgust only grew more and more.

He talked to me the most intolerable ways.

Juan threw me to the ground and began to unbuckle his jeans and belt. My face turned pale and I pull my jeans up as quickly as possible. But before I could even finish closing my jeans up he gripped my hair and pulled it pressing his disgusting pecker on my face.

He told me to suck it. . and I couldn’t. He forced it around my face and I turned so pale I started to shake, he pulled my hair up and told me if I didn’t do it he’d hurt me. I started shaking so much more to where I couldn't move My chest was hurting my heart was racing at thousand miles an hour I couldn’t breathe.

He stopped when he saw my eyes filled with Darkness and fear he buckled his jeans up and left me.

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I curled up into a ball. I cried and got up and went to the restroom. washed my face and I knew to myself I needed to stay with everyone at this point. I looked at myself and slapped a smile on my face going out to the party to have fun with everyone thinking id be happy and okay. Since that day I stayed away I ignored him every time he tried to make me be with him.

In the end I was not.

It got harder growing up developing depression and anxiety.

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My sexual abuse marred my trust in men. Throughout my early adulthood, I suffered from low self-esteem. I felt insecure and hated the way I looked. I didn’t think I could ever be good enough for any man.
I could only cut during these times. If you read my first story called “A Second Chance” this story was one of my main reasons I mutilated myself. It was my way out of a lonely existence. Little did I realise that I was carrying a lot of anger inside as well.

I had a need to be wanted, so I fell over myself trying to please my family, friends and the opposite sex. I wanted their acceptance so badly that I let people walk all over me. I repeatedly fell for the wrong guys, those who would string me along or use me for their pleasure before dumping me.

If I hadn’t met my current boyfriend today in 2017, I may well have continued my reckless lifestyle to this day. We met a year ago, and he was the first guy to accept me for who I was. He looked beyond my physical appearance and made me feel worthy to be loved. He makes me feel something I’ve never felt that someone wanted to give to me. He showed me how to trust again.

I had an emotional connection with him something I had never felt before with my casual flings. A month into our relationship, I told him about the abuse, fully expecting him to walk away. But he didn’t he talked to me about it and he today, helped me write this story when I was finally ready to share my childhood nightmare with the world, it would be a story for all parents to read to make sure their own kids are safe. 1/1/17

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Since then, I’ve come clean to my sister and a few close friends, who were shocked to hear about what I had suffered as a child. I’m was the rebel of the family and I rarely cried, even when things got tough. I fought back instead. When they saw and felt how vulnerable I was, they knew I had gone through something terrible.My family has gone through many ups and downs over the years, so I didn’t want to add to the troubles. I also didn’t want to live under my extended family’s scrutiny after all, it would be my word against his.

Because of what happened to me, I want to stand up against sexual abuse, especially from sexual predators who lurk within the family. Children shouldn’t have to grow up ignorant like me, nobody ever told me what was right and wrong. “I had to learn everything on my own, the hard way.” Learning how to cope with my feelings on my own that kids or teens shouldn't have to feel alone.

Not only have I shared this story out of my own comfort, But shared it to connect it to my other piece I wrote first. I didn’t change any names as my preference of exposing that bastard for what he’s done and how it mentally left me damaged.

Im 20 Years old today, my past is what made me to who I am no matter the negative things I’ve went through as a child or a teen till this day I see his face he still continues to speak to me but I leave him dead silence from the things he’s done every now and then he will remind me of the things he’s done to intimidate me, all I can pretty much do is keep my sanity and keep moving . I want people knowing YOU as parents can keep your kids safe and can be prevented of these sexual acts. Kids don’t deserve adult exposure at a young age, kids need to stay kids till its time for them to grow up. I still fight against my mental illnesses but I do know I will surpass them in the future and be strong for my kids and my partner.

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