Day 3: Work

I feel like I’ve been here before and I haven’t actually made a progress. How do I motivate myself. How do I find my passion? Maybe this is it? How do I know. I always thought that it would hit me like a ton of bricks when I found my passion. I thought that when I found it I would know that this is what I am meant to do.

I know this feeling it’s how I feel about Jess. It’s how I feel about a good song. It’s how I feel when I’m on a road trip to a new place. It’s a feeling that you never want to let go of. It’s a feeling I have a hard time actually describing. But I’ve felt it. I know it very well. I’m looking to recreate it.

I always wanted to find that feeling in my work. I’ve always wanted to find a career I could obsess over. I’ve always wanted to have a job that I wanted to take home with me at the end of the day. Ever since I dropped out of college I’ve felt lost. I’ve always had stable income but I’ve never felt satisfied creatively. I’ve looked and researched but never put into action anything I wanted to try.

I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to become a journalist but, start by writing my own blog. I did a lot of research into different blogging platforms. I read a lot of tips for making my blog successful. I collected online resources for creating graphics and even set up my own word press blog. What I didn’t actually do was write anything. I could never figure out what I wanted to write about, which avenue I wanted to go down. I spent what felt like six months figuring out everything about writing a blog. Without ever writing a blog.

I was content with life. I though that I was making progress. I wasn’t.

Next, I looked at photography something I had always admired but never actually did. I did way to much research into what camera I should buy for the “long-term” without taking photos. I finally bought that camera. I went out and took a weeks worth of photographs and tried to get a job with that work. I didn’t get one. I bought equipment for shoots that never materialized. I was again discouraged. I learned a lot in the process but I pushed it aside to “try” something else.

Next, I looked at web development. I looked into a boot camp here in town. I applied, I had my interview, and I got accepted. I couldn’t get the funding on short notice so I didn’t attend. The course is only three months. So I told myself that I would work on things on my own and when the next round of classes came up I would go. I bought a course on Udemy, I started Codecademy, I started Freed Code Camp. I never finished any of it. When I got stuck I put it aside, again.

I don’t know why I fall into this cycle. I don’t know why I pick something up to make to myself feel like I’m actually making progress in my life. But, when it gets tough or I’m left to put in real work I never come through. I know how to put in the work. At least I think I do. I’m engaged. I saved enough money to buy a house. I’ve done all that while working a dead end job with no degree. These things took work. I put almost 40 hours a week on my feet, serving all kinds of people. I’m not coal miner but I’m also no sitting in an air conditioned office all day either. My relationship required patience and understanding. It took two individuals both going their own crises to grow together and set common goals. It took work.

I’m not afraid of the work. I never knew where to put in the work.

All that to tell you this is why I’m here on Medium. This is why I’ve decided to write one post a day for 60 days. These posts will be about anything I want. I’ve cut down all my other distractions. I’m going to write. These first few posts will suck. I know that. I want them too. I want some one to tell me they are bad. But, I’m also going to keep writing. I want to get better. If I can keep this going for 60 days. I’ll have told my self that this is what I want to do. That writing is something that I want. Not because a feeling hit me like a bus but because I’m putting in the work required.

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