I have always thought you needed to choose one or the other. Surely you can’t be both? What does it actually mean to be an extrovert or an introvert?
Extrovert: A person who is energized by being around other people (the general assumption is that extroverts are friendly and outgoing)
Introvert: Someone who is energized by being alone (the general assumption is that introverts are shy and loners)
From the definitions above, I can say I grew up being an introvert. My passion for reading books gave me a way to escape people. For the first 15 years of my life, I struggled with the notion that “humans are social by nature.” Bullshit. We are social first by need, and then we find satisfaction in gossiping, and everything went downhill from there.
My case was a little different. I was pushed to be social by the environment. I have 10 siblings (yes, from the same parents and they are still together) which technically makes it very difficult not to be social. It was difficult to find time to be alone unless you submerged yourself in the world of your imagination (thanks to books). Forced by family and society, I started to accept my nature as a social animal.
That is what society tells you. You need to have friends. I actually agree with this. I believe that true happiness comes from enjoying life while it is happening (being present) and sharing it with others, with the goal to make other people happy.
My struggle came from the fact that I was just emerging from an introvert side of myself. And I thought that by being brutally honest, people would accept and respect me as someone who “speaks my mind” and holds on to principles. Well, it turns out that humans don’t actually like to know the truth. The truth hurts. The truth is uncomfortable. The truth has no friends. The truth is not social.
Friends got tired of the truth and I lost many of them. I realized people tend to want others to like them, and that this need to be liked is usually not compatible with the truth. To be liked, you need to say and act in the ways expected of you. You had to fit the model of “being likable.” Since the truth didn’t go down so well, I decided to become this friendly and outgoing person that will be liked by others. I became a successful extrovert: I talked a lot, I shared jokes, and I said what others wanted to hear.
But something was very wrong with this approach: it turns out that these two “identities” could not co-exist inside me without creating other problems. I found myself having a better time alone or with people that could handle the truth, than with the rest of society. That is when I came up with a new concept, something I called “Natural pre-selection of friendships” (inspired by Darwin). The idea was to meet as many people as possible but only keep those relations that would be sustained for the long term. It was a good idea, but it also created a situation where my extrovert side was taking over my introvert one.
I stopped when I realized that I actually didn’t know myself well enough. I believe it is very important to know yourself and to be at peace with who you are. We spend most of our lives trying to fight our own thoughts, behaviors, desires, and feelings. They don’t let us be at peace with ourselves. To be at peace with the rest of the world, we first need to find the peace within us. And we will only find that peace if we know who we are.
I am an introvert and an extrovert. Yes, I’m both. Can I be both? Yes, because I say so. How do I know I’m both? I know because there is a daily internal fight inside me between both. I am energized around people once I know they can handle the truth or like my jokes. I came to accept and love my family (34 members so far) and found that I enjoyed being around them. But I can’t lie to myself. I get exhausted and hide myself to be alone where I can find peace again. After some time, I will feel the need to be around people once more and then the cycle starts again.
I have embraced the fact I will have to deal with both sides all my life. Part of embracing this truth is accepting the fact that many people won’t like you. That honesty hurts, but it also appreciated and precious.
Some of you who read this will think honesty and being introverted have nothing to do with each other. Well, I disagree. You need to try to say the truth as gently as possible, but you should not deviate from it. Surround yourself with people who energize you; they usually are the same people that appreciate the truth when they hear it. But be at peace with yourself.
I am happy to have married someone who likes my two sides. “You talk a lot” and “You are always with your books” are two phrases I commonly hear. You need to understand who you are and allow yourself to be yourself before others can accept or reject who they see. That is truth without words.
Last but not least, for those out there trying to figure out who you are, don’t try to force yourself into one of this society’s checklist of boxes. Understand yourself first and then you’ll find peace. Find it inside yourself and then share it.
PS: Th thoughts here apply to me so don’t try to drive a bigger conclusion from it or give me s**t about the parts where you believe I’m wrong. Be nice and send me a tweet. Tell me your thoughts; tell me the truth.
PS: I still try every day to find peace :)
