Entry 1

My life is unreal, surreal to the thoughts and dreams in my head. Day to day is like a ghost world, living not but surviving. Is this an actual life I’m going through or am I just a drift through a sweet unending nightmare of silent unseen misery and tear soaked stained tissues, clothes, and bedding. A bottomless dark pit of unrelenting rage and sadness from regret and victimization. Heavy heart but light intentions that never come across or amount to anything. Dreams, desires and wishes that I want more than anything, crushed by the people who are supposed to love me but are to blinded by the person I’ve become and the people they don’t know they have become, to blinded to care or realize that the only thing that keeps me down, crushes my dreams, and breaks my heart is them, but I remain silent in the hopes that I never hurt them the way they always hurt me. So I take it and love them just the same praying one day they become un-blinded to the things they say and the consequences they have that they blame me for. I pray every night to a God that I hope is real. I pray for help or that in some miracle I don’t wake up in the morning, so I can finally be free and at peace for the first time since I was a child. I hope, but I’m starting to think that’s not good enough, not anymore.