A Love Letter to My 18-year Old Queer Self from my Grown Ass Queer Self by JP Howard
Dear 18-year old Juliet,
Thank you for not lying that night Mama outed you, after finding those sappy love letters from your first girlfriend in your top dresser drawer. Thank you for answering honestly when Mama asked, in anger and perhaps in fear (of the unknown) “So does this mean you’re a *LESBIAN*?” (that word felt so big and larger than life when Mama said it). Dear young, scared, but true to yourself JP, babygirl thank you for not missing a beat, though nervous and scared AF, when you answered “Yes Mama I’m a lesbian.” Thank you Universe for pushing me out the closet door that night when Mama outed me. Despite Grandma calling me a bull-dagger soon after, when she learned her beloved only grand baby was a lesbian, and Mama being mad for a hot minute, I never had a desire to go back inside that cramped secret closet. Thank you 18-year old J for the courage to answer Mama’s rapid fire questions (Lawd Mama must’ve written a list while reading those damn love letters!) 1) No Mama, Barnard didn’t make me a lesbian! 2) Yes Mama, I think maybe I want kids one day; maybe you’ll be a Grandma one day (I had no idea how or if that would even happen way back when) 3) Mama, I said rolling my eyes, neither of us is the man, when she asked which one of you is the man?! We both womyn (year’s later I would laugh & simultaneously roll my eyes when another lover’s Mama asked me the same question!). Thank you Universe for letting Mama’s anger and Grandma’s hurtful words transform back into love over time. Thank you Pat Parker and Audre Lorde and Cheryl Clarke for the power of your transformative words that gave me the confidence to claim who I was all those years ago. I am forever grateful and queer.
Love,
Grown ass JP
