Who am I?

there always has been this side of me that i always talk to myself in my mind. it’s my form of knowing myself more at a certain time when i need to get entertained. so as i get to know myself, i realized that accepting yourself would free you from bullying yourself, beating up yourself, and getting affected by other’s opinions.

Growing up, i already knew that i am not that one who could possibly be the cream of the top. I was never good at anything. then now, i got to accept myself more. People say, to motivate yourself is to tell yourself some motivations like “you can do that!” or “you can do your best” but what i realized is that, if that would be mu way of motivating myself, it won’t be realistic enough. i mean, if i know that i can’t do a thing about a certain thing, then stop and it’s okay. if i keep believing i’m the best, then maybe i’ll keep expecting that i am like one ‘coz in reality, i was never good enough.

Socially, i am that boy who is lowkey ugly. When i say lowkey ugly, that ugly who girls don’t wanna get distant with but still wanna be friends. But really, i’m still not even sure of how shall i see myself. There is a part of me that keeps saying that i am not ugly, ppl only have higher standards. And another part of me wants to accept that i am ugly and it’s purely okay. Everywhere, i am that one who people doesn’t wanna hangout with, that one who people would be keeping a secret from when there are hangouts and stuff. i am also that one who people, especially girls, wouldn’t value as much as the other peeps out there. I am that ‘below average.’ However, i came to realize all these and came to accept everything coz it’s who i am.

In friendships, i am that one who advises more than getting advised. i am that one who motivates and gives a lot of motivations to make them happy. but a sad fact is that, i need the advises i give for myself.

In this world, i may not be a girls knight with shining armor. i may not be the perfect prince. i am not that boyfriend-able. plus i am ugly. i am below average. positively, i learned to tell myself “it’s okay,” tho it never was okay, and that made me accept everything anyways.