Dating

Don’t settle. Don’t settle. Don’t settle. What counts as settling and what counts as giving someone a chance? I know I can’t tell.

I kinda want to date Andy. Or I kinda did. But can people change? I know I would trust the Andy I used to know with my heart, but I feel like he’s changed. Hardened, somehow. I guess it really is all about timing. When I asked him to do something with me, he said that he’s not sure he’s up for such a large commitment. It’s really not that large of a commitment. I’m not sure I feel comfortable giving someone like that my heart.

On the other hand, Ryan doesn’t seem too into me. Why does he randomly not talk to me for forever and then randomly say something? Not sure what that means… I’m not really gonna extrapolate cause who knows what is going through his mind. So I guess does this mean I’m back to being single? Should I keep talking to Ryan? Should I completely ignore him? Should I adopt a never-give-up mentality and just go for Andy, who I used to think would suit me. But actually, I don’t think he’s that suitable anymore. It used to be that I felt completely comfortable around him, but now I don’t really feel comfortable around him. He’s really focused on his work now. And he seems more withdrawn. And it is kinda awkward being around him.

But I guess when Ryan finally goes to grad school, he will concentrate on his work a ton also. IDK. Neither really seems like a good option. Neither seems like they will care for me enough. So I guess if I were really strong, I’d choose to continue to be alone. But I don’t think I’m strong enough. Or maybe I am.

What don’t I like about Ryan? I’m not sure. I don’t like how he can’t grammar, which honestly is super weird to be given that he is a political science major. I like that he’s hardworking. Not sure how I feel about him not being naturally smart. Although I’m not naturally smart either. We don’t have the same hobbies. But does that really matter? I still don’t know what makes a good significant other.

Is it bad that I really want a significant other? Is it bad that I feel like I need a significant other sort of? Well not need, but that I really badly want one? I don’t really think that’s a good way to get into a relationship? Or maybe it is. I don’t know though….

I mostly don’t like Ryan cause he will randomly talk to me and then I won’t hear from him for many days. And that hurts. So I don’t really like being hurt. But we aren’t dating. Why is everything super confusing? Why do I even need to think about this?

On the plus side, Facebook gave me a second round interview. Although they require that I go back to school after the internship, so does that mean that I can’t even do a fall internship if I wanted to? Sigh.

What do I want in a guy?

Cares as much as I do. Willing to invest. Willing to put in time.
Smart?….. or at least sort of intelligent
Demonstrates compassion.
Someone I know for sure has a good heart. Always will have my best interests and my back.
Has enough energy so I don’t feel insecure or like I’ll weird them out if I dance around them or do random shit.
Someone who will surprise me!
Someone I can make nerdy jokes with.
Someone who makes me better. Now, this is vague. How can this person make me better?
NOT PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. I want someone who gives it to me straight. And not in a snarky jealous way.
I want a trier. I want someone who tries. I know I try. I want someone who will try as much as I will. And even when the relationship crashes and burns or we fight, I need that person to keep trying. I need the passion. I need the person to be passionate about something. Some cause that he is invested in. Some interest that he has. I need that passion because that passion shows that the person can have feelings.
I need someone I can have intelligent conversations with.
I need someone who gets me.
Is he willing to be adventurous? When I find someone who will take that pole dancing class with me, I know I’ve found my man.
Someone who will listen to me. Someone who has enough life experience to give good advice.
Honesty. Indisputable. Period.