Sex

On Apologies

First off, I wanted to apologize for testing you. I do not think testing is a good approach; I think that it is manipulative and passive aggressive, and I will not do it again. I think that trust and committing 100% is a healthier way to approach the problem, and I do not think that me being on the defensive counts as me trusting you.

My Commitment Regarding the Past

I concede that maybe the past contributes, but I do not want to bring the past into this; I don’t want to use that as an excuse because I don’t think it’s warranted based on your actions. It was also a long time ago, and I do feel ready to start another relationship. I think that at some points you will need to work with me and be patient because I don’t necessarily recognize when I am triggered based on past vs. present. In this case, if you could talk to me and remind me that you care, the issue will be solved.

Action Plan

I will remove my mental block and stop conflating the past with the present with regards to asymmetry(I can’t necessarily do it in general because I am not cognizant of all factors; if I am aware, I can remove them. Though this sounds easy and you’re probably wondering why I didn’t do it before, note that I honestly thought that I was basing everything on your words, and I did not think I was conflating past with present. Also, I’m not being facetious when I say that when I mentally decide to do something, it happens. For example, a long time ago recall when I didn’t remember anything about you, and you remembered stuff about me? That was a mental block that I put up to avoid asymmetry, and as soon as I was made aware of it, I removed it successfully and immediately). And to reiterate, I think that the way I combine the two is with fears that you have not contributed to, and I will get rid of them. (There might be other ways I conflate the past and the present, but that is the one I am cognizant of and will commit to fixing. If others come up, I will fix them too). I will still ask you questions about what you say, but I will trust you because you have shown that you are deserving, and you have always been honest with me. It doesn’t matter the asymmetry I felt in the past because if I continue to bring up hypotheticals and panic about asymmetry, I feel that I am just hurting you, and it is toxic to this relationship.

On fear

I think that I have an overabundance of fear, and I think this is related to the past, so I will eradicate fears not directly related to this relationship; specifically, fears of asymmetry that are unwarranted. Note that I am not trying to use the past as an excuse; I do not want to, but it is the reason. This does not mean that I will ask you questions to gage where you are or that it won’t be a fear; it just means that I will not withdraw until there is proven asymmetry, and I will not withdraw without letting you know.

On sex

Especially physically, I think that I revert to the past on reflex because I have a mental block that I didn’t really recognize I had where I am extra sensitive to your words regarding physical things, and I will commit to getting rid of that roadblock, but this will take longer. I am not going to say “let’s not have sex” because I don’t want to shy away from something based on fear, and I think that it will happen because we are attracted to each other. Additionally, I did really enjoy the intimacy from last last night. I do think that if I asked you to wait, you should be willing to wait as I do not think that intimacy is core to a relationship at this point, just because I haven’t experienced any good forms of intimacy and have felt really badly about myself after(I feel like feeling really badly after, not as a result of asymmetry fears but actually really badly after should make my significant other allow me to have time and space. Note that this is not the case with you; at the beginning, I felt badly after, but the last time we had sex, I did not feel badly as in used and sad after; rather I felt fearful). I am open to the hypothesis that intimacy is core to a relationship and helps people bond after last last night, and I want you to try to change my mind through action.

I have never been one to take the easy route, and I don’t do things because I’m scared of them. Yes, it does take me awhile to recognize that I am fearful sometimes, but once I recognize it, I overcome it. I think that in this case, withdrawing would leave me less vulnerable, and I do not want to do that. I am willing to experience vulnerability in cases where I believe it is worth it.

On Honesty

I realize that hunting for lingerie and condoms is a huge pre-sex thing, and that I need to admit when I want to have sex and am prepping for it. I didn’t consciously lie, but I do remember denying that I was prepping for it, but I realize that I did want to/expect to.

I know that these are just words, but I think this is an honest evaluation of my thoughts and a commitment I’m making to improvement. On your side, I hope that you will be patient with me and let me know that you care as long as I don’t choose the withdrawal route.

I would really like you to respond to the following

How are you feeling? Do you regret your decision? Do you still feel committed to this relationship in the same way? If not, is there anything I can do?

On Friday

Would you like to sleep over Friday night? If you feel comfortable, I will ask my roommate — Only Radhika will be here, I think.