How’s Your Colonoscopy?

A beautiful August day, I take the dog for a long walk in the Augarten park and then stop for lunch at a favorite garden restaurant nearby. The place is half filled, mostly with lone morning drinkers. Dog and I sit down, order and then settle in to enjoy the moment. Bliss. The kind of bliss you have on a summer Sunday when there is nothing to do but hang around and enjoy the sun on your face. No time at all later, two very dolled up old women come over and ask if I’d mind sharing my table with them. Startled, I look around at all of the empty tables nearby. That look must show on my face because one of them says “We like to sit here.” So I say sure and they plunk down. Silence. The waiter brings my meal and they order drinks. Long silence. Eventually one sighs and says “Poor Hansi.” The other sighs along “Now he’s dead. Prostate cancer. It must be hard on a man.” I look up and both women are staring hard at me. I quickly look down again. Longer Silence. I glance up again and they are still giving me the long eye. “And how is Elfi?” “Dead. You hadn’t heard?” “No! How did she die?” “Colon cancer. Very tragic.” “What exactly happens when you get colon cancer?” “Well—” As her friend goes on in great, vivid detail about colon cancer, colonoscopies, colostomy bags, etcetera I’m looking at my half eaten lunch, thinking maybe it’s time to go.