it hurts because it matters

blue is not my favorite color today, blue is my mood… four longest days are coming and i am scared… i battle between telling someone or just “walk through hell” myself… it’s just four days, at the end of the day… maybe even less…

someone i know is dying and doctors said they’re not gonna make it through the Easter… and it’s cancer again

i have to be strong when nothing inside me feels like it… nothing inside me fits, nothing is attached, everything shakes… how am i going to put all this back together — no idea…

outside am solid… am still tall and straight and seem composed… i must… people are watching… i’m just sad… that’s all it is… a bit of angry, maybe..

no one to call… is Easter… people have their families and time off… you simply don’t call anybody and ruin their Easter…

i don’t have problem with people dying… it’s biology… not fair but no one ever promised that life will be fair… as long as they have place in our hearts and memories — they’re never really gone..

but i hate feeling powerless… powerless makes me feel lonely…

and i can’t stop feeling the way i feel… and it pisses me off…

can’t concentrate, can’t focus… i just want to sit in the corner and be not bothered by anything…. i want to be my usual self…. full of energy and life… i wanna feel like dancing… i want this blue mood to go away…

you can hide your emotions but you cannot hide from your emotions… it hurts because it matters…

right now i would love to crawl in and hide in someone’s hug and stay there for a bit… catch my breath.. maybe cry a little…

whatever you do — do it wholeheartedly… 
if you love them — love them hard
if you cry — cry until there is no more pain in your soul… 
you either 100% in or you’re not in at all…

i don’t get what i want from life… sometimes i don’t want what i get… but who is…

things happen for a reason… sometimes i’d like to know the reason when things actually are happening… not months later… learning is hard… understanding takes time…

someone rightly said that you need darkness to see the stars… I also heard that we cry so someone else can see the rainbow in our tears…

i am going to be quiet now…. thank you for listening…

Updated 31/03/2016

… we don’t say good bye… we say see you later… no one ever leaves us as long as we reserved a place in our hearts for them…

i take the box of memories and old photographs and bits & bobs with me wherever i go… as long as i can walk… you will be with me… by my side…

… i walk and i smile…

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