An email template for candidates frustrated with unresponsive employers

After watching the success of my article in the Landing.jobs blog, I decided to publish the “director’s cut” version of my rant. Kinda like what they did with Apocalypse Now, but with less napalm.

When I was young, my reply to the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” was always the same: Darth Vader. I still do, but there is a surprising lack of evil empires to work for.

A few months ago, I was looking for a job. Using the “Liam Neeson job hunting technique”, which consists of promoting my very particular set of skills, I sent some applications. Now, I sent them by email, but in hindsight I should have sent them via a Mongolian horseback messenger (patent pending). He would make sure my possible employers read the damn thing, and replied to me.

Anyway, I was told this is happening to a lot of people, so I though I should give everyone a little help. This is specific to myself, but you may use it. Cthulhu will reward my generosity. I present you the email template to send to non-responsive would-be employers:

Dear _________ (insert company name)

So far the feedback I’ve obtained from you was the same feedback I got from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: NONE AT ALL.

This would be understandable if I was applying to jobs such as: Horse Whisperer, Master of the Flying Guillotine, Airbender, Sith Lord, Orphan Annie, Mr. Potato Head, Batman or stunt for Morgan Freeman . But I’m not, I applied to the position of ___________ (insert job title). Being unable to know if you guys use the Mayan Calendar, and can’t reply because you believe the world has ended three years ago, I can only assume that not only you don’t need someone to fill that position, you didn’t even bother to read my application and consider me a serious candidate.

Allow me to clear something up. The job market works with supply and demand. But you are not the “Supply”, you’re the “Demand”. That’s why you use recruitment platforms to reach the ideal candidate, you are looking for someone. And we, candidates, are the supply. If I grow potatoes for a living, I need potato pickers. If I don’t hire them, my potatoes won’t be picked up and I won’t be able to sell them at a 300% mark-up.

When one applies for a job, one takes time to update the CV, look for references and write motivation letters, before sending the application. And then one keeps expecting some sort of reply. It would be quite reasonable to at least tell the candidates “Hello, thank you for applying. We’ll contact you if you are selected for an interview”. Even the crazy guy who yells at trees near my house can type that sentence in less than 5 minutes.

Seriously, unless you are discovering the Lost City of Atlantis, you are not too busy to reply to your candidates and read their applications. If you don’t feel like having the trouble of reading and selecting CVs, may I suggest the “Highlander Solution”? You make them fight each other, and the survivor is hired, because THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! (The only work you’ll have is adding to the job post: “sword or equivalent beheading utensil required”)

I once applied to a job as a Consultant in a Portuguese TV channel, suggesting several preposterous ideas for new shows, like “12 Morons and a Grizzly Bear” (Secret Story spin-off, but there would be quizzes about general culture, and the loser would spend the day locked with the bear). And you know what? They took the time to reply to me, I kid you not.

My great grandmother used to said “We never know what tomorrow will bring” (great piece of advice from a woman that spent her last years hating the blonde neighbor saying he was loyal to the Third Reich). Today I may be a candidate. But one day I may be a possible client or a partner, or I might know someone interested in working with/for you. It’s unlikely I’ll say “Well, it took them nearly three months to acknowledge my application, but I’m sure they will reply to you really quick”, I’ll probably say “I was told you have to offer your firstborn’s soul to the company, and all the chairs have the shape of a pyramid”.

No one wants to work for an employer that doesn’t seem to give two flying (d)ucks about their candidates and workers. There’s a reason why it’s called “Human Resources” and not “Minion Management”. Giving a metaphorical middle finger to people who want to work for you is not a great idea. And trust me, I know so much about bad ideas, that if I had to summarize the last 10 years of my life in one word, it would be “Oops”.

I hope you consider everything I said, and if you are thinking about replying I must warn you I’m currently away for an interview for the position of “Supreme Leader” in North Korea. (Do you know why? Because despite using Windows 2.0, they were still able to reply to me)

Cheers,

____________________(insert name)

João Almeida Silva