How To Lose A Job In 5 Days
Before you read this I’d just like to confirm for anyone who may be worried that I have not lost my
job, I am still CEO of Yourfeed. I’m writing this so that you can hear what a boss does not want to
see, directly from a boss.
Day 1: Always arriving 10 minutes late or leaving 10 minutes early. Now I know that 10 minutes
doesn’t sound like a lot of time and isn’t really grounds on which to lose a job, but let’s do a little bit
of maths. 10 mins a day everyday adds up to 50 mins, thats just under an hour a week. Thats 3 hours
and 20mins a month and 40 hours a year!! That’s a whole weeks worth of work lost a year just
because you can’t be bothered to wake up 10 minutes earlier or were waiting in the queue for your
vanilla soy latte or whatever it is holding you up. Not ok. Hurry up and get into work, don’t waste
your employers money and their patience.
Day 2: Today in addition to being late you post on your Twitter page about how excited you are that
your company just signed a deal with Company X. This isn’t cool. If you check with your boss and
they say it’s ok, go for it that’s obviously fine! However if you haven’t asked, the information may
well have been private or your boss was waiting to give the good knews themself. There may have
even been a confiendtiality contract! I know that we’re used to documenting every part of our lives
on social media, but you have to think before you post. In addition it’s not good to mix your social
and work lives online. Create two accounts or don’t post at all. This should be clear anyway, do you
really want your co-workers to be able to see your pictures from your School leavers Maga trip?
Didn’t think so. Unless of course you choose to share them with the office, here at Yourfeed we
encourage public humiliation of this kind.
Day 3: Today you’re late again and now that yesterday you released info your boss would have
preferred to be private your job is on the rocks. But today you’re really gonna rock the boat. You
overhear two people talking by the printer that apparently Gemma and Steve were a bit ‘naughty’ at
the Christmas party and proceed to spread the news throughout the whole building, not even
forgetting the intern. Now I know we all love to gossip, I mean I certainly do but…stay out of office
drama. If you’re seen to be stirring the pot at work and making things awkward between people
your boss is not gonna be happy. Employers work hard to create coherent and productive teams.
They are not going to appreciate you ruining their perfect vision. Anyway you’re at work to work!
Not to discuss whether or not Miranda’s gained 10 pounds and making snide comments when she
eats the last cookie (again). But don’t worry the moment it hits 5.00 feel free to go to the pub and
gossip to your hearts content, in fact I’d recommend it, anyone got any interesting rumors?
Day 4: So today, one of your colleagues tells you about the challenging but exciting project they’ve
just been set. Rather than congratulating them or offering a helping hand if they want it, you
bulldoze into them. Rather than pleasantly saying you’re happy to help if they need, you lecture
them on what they should and shouldn’t do, talk over them and just be a general prick whilst
practically trying to do the project for them. Newsflash! This is only going to make both your
colleague and boss hate you. You’re boss gave the work to that person rather than you for a reason,
in other words they don’t want you to fulfil that job and you won’t impress them by doing so. What
will impress them though is if you do the work you were set to an excellent standard. Then next
time there’s an exciting project maybe they’ll give it to you instead.
Day 5: Now I’m not sure about other bosses, but if you work for me this will guarantee that you lose
your job instantaneously. In my office, we like to joke around and have a laugh but there’s one thing
that everyone knows never to joke about. Cookies (especially Bens cookies). If you take a cookie
without asking, don’t offer to go on a cookie run every now and then, don’t surprise me with cookies
at random points throughout the week or God forbid you say you don’t like cookies! You will be