5 Things to give up when you’re a Manchild

Listen up, Thundercat printed pajama pants, this one’s for you. You’re closer to thirty than high school, you should probably pull it together. Manchildren all over the world are torn between two opposing forces: delusions of grandeur and nostalgic reliving. You don’t have to give up your Star Wars sheets, but there are a couple actions you’re taking that are keeping away the forward movement of any ambitions you hold. So you can keep your Pokemon cards and still search for a better job. You can smoke pot while listening to Blink 182 and still be a freelance writer. Your Swamp Thing comics won’t save you, but these rules for living might.

Replaying (and beating) the same video games

Fallout 4 is awesome, but playing through all eighty hours with a character that punches stuff instead of your charismatic sniper isn’t exactly playing a new game. You’ve done it all, nothing new is brought to the table. And I know, you loved it. And like an old lover, these games are gone. Find a fling on xbox arcade. The one exception is MMO. If you’ve developed a responsible relationship with LOL than we can’t shun you. But if your part time job isn’t putting a college fund back for the two toddlers you keep calling “spawn 1 & 2,” maybe put the mouse down for a weekend.

Scamming on girls at Cons

This one hurts, I know. In all seriousness, 40% of these girls are like fourteen. You want to ask her if you can touch her genderbent Link costume. The answer is nope. Big ‘ol Nope. If she was interested, she would have asked you about deck building when you were winning the Ascension tournament. Plus, the body odor mist could be from anyone. She doesn’t want to have to guess if you’re “allergic to the aluminum in it” so maybe give her some space. And wayward eyes count. The open halls at GenCon looks like a tower defense game, where older men stand like sentinels shooting sex lasers at passing cosplayers. Let them feel sexy if they want to, don’t sexualize the attendees.

Pop-Tarts

Look, I’m just as guilty, but we can’t idolize Super Saiyans and still eat Captain Crunch for lunch. Given medical advancement, this generation should live to 150. Instead, we’ll be lucky to make it to 75. Worst sci-fi plot ever- population ruins it’s chances at immortality for the sake of junk food. Cooking is hard, but mom can’t make pizza rolls forever. Just put canned vegetables in the microwave and see what happens. Every time I bring this up, one of my Conspiracy Manchildren (it’s a sub-class) brings up that canned food causes cancer. Then they eat frozen buffalo chicken strips on a tortilla. I want to be direct- I’m not fat shaming, I’m will-shaming. All of our heroes are awesome, capable of the extraordinary, and somehow we pick up Patton Oswald’s eating habits over Batman’s.

Bragging

Bragging is the Manchild search for purpose. Victory in any facet is worth a tale at the mead hall. But no one, not even other Manchildren, want to hear about first place at Friday Night Magic. Few want to hear about your K/D in Call of Duty. A limited crowd will listen in as you bare witness to your totally broken Dungeons and Dragons character. The key here is context. On a first date with a Notnerd? No bragging. Your best friends parents BBQ? Don’t dominate conversation with size and scale of your Forgotten Realms Collection. I know dude, it’s so big. Remember how annoying it is when that one guy at work talks about his truck/home gym/fat newborn? That’s you right now. Pull it back, and save it for the LARP troop. Or your nephew.

Soapboxing

I’m vocal about my opinions; this is the Manchild way. When you’re telling your friends about 9/11 theories over a game of Catan, try looking up at their faces every now and again. Odds are, they ain’t havin’ it. Whether its GMO’s or the efficacy of UFC moves in a ‘real fight,’ Manchildren like to tell you how it is. Which is fine. Like bragging, your radical atheism, and your Yugioh! fitted t-shirt: everything has a place. Most soapbox speeches belong in a forum of peers, or on Facebook, where we can unfollow you. Take it from a clickbate list- your advice is not wanted.

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