Going Through the Motions

Ever feel like you’re just on autopilot and directionless? Yeah, me too. That’s been a common feeling. I feel like I am making pictures in the sand for only them to wash away. It’s exhausting. It feels like a routine and there is no interest, and I am approaching the things I love to do in a wrong way.

Learning to program, and deciding to go back to school, are big hurdles. I wantto learn to program because I dream of creating magnificent things. I want to improve the lives of others and help others grow. I’ve been looking at this thing called life from the top down, and depressed by the fact that I feel so directionless due to not have some overarching goals. Be a millionaire? I don’t care, it would be awesome to have more money but that’s not my end goal. If I did have it, I would just invest it right back.

Fame has never been something that has enticed me. I’m an extrovert, and I love social interactions more than most, but fame for just my ego sounds like a distraction. We remember the astronauts that landed on the moon but not the engineers that got them there. Do you know who Margaret Hamilton is? She helped develop the on-board flight software for the Apollo mission and went on to become the founder of Hamilton Technologies.

I’m not trying to be Elon, Walt, Gates, Jobs, or any of those other individuals that stick out. That’s not my goal, and I could careless if I did end up as one of them or any other big name. My goal is to help others, no matter how I end up doing it.

I told my girlfriend recently that I felt unfulfilled, that my life wasn’t heading into the direction that I wanted it to. That I imagined myself jumping from startup to startup and helping others grow. A mentor of sorts to others, working at a big company like Microsoft and trying to solve big issues. Creating programs, collecting data to solve medical issues, building awe inspiring things. She listened to me ramble on and on about how disappointed I am in myself, and then she did something that amazed. She grounded me.

She told me to stop living for the future but live for the now. What makes me happy, smile, and enjoy life a little bit more. She said if I were to arrive at where I wanted to be but I was unhappy, would my end goal be worth it. I should live for each day, and be fulfilled with what I have now. Workout because I want to be healthy, program because I want to create incredible things, interact with people because I want to be happy. Live to be happy not for a process.

It stunned me and made me really think hard. It might seem simple to some, but I always think that I need to be ruthless in a schedule. But, making a schedule and sticking to things I don’t find interesting or make me happy in someway is counterproductive. So, it’s food for thought. How to break the tendency to make schedules, and ultimately feel dread because I become unhappy in the direction my life is taking.

Until next time.