5 worst people you find on airplanes

When I get on an airplane the first thing I do is look around for babies or young children. If I spot one or more of these, I know that it’s going to be a long flight and that I’m definitely going to make good use of my noise-cancelling earphones. Babies and young children on flights are the worst, everybody knows that. It’s not their fault and, for the most part, it’s not really their parents’ fault either.

But something I’ve learnt during my travels is that there are some other people you find on flights that can be just as annoying — sometimes even more annoying — than a screaming infant. So, without further delay, here are the 5 worst people I’ve found on flights.

The little old lady who wants to know your life story — If you find yourself sitting next to this delightful person, sorry but you’re not going to get a second of peace and quiet on your flight. This little old lady is lovely and sort of reminds you of your sweet old grandma. But after ten minutes of answering all her questions or half an hour of listening to stories about her brilliant little grandson, you may find yourself starting to resent her. The truth of the matter is that you don’t want to hurt her feelings, which makes the situation all that much worse.

The gross person — This is the person who decided to get on the flight even though they knew they were sick. You can identify them by their puffy eyes and the snot running down their upper lip. They’re continuously coughing or splattering and you can tell that they won’t give up until they’ve infected the entire plane.

The chatty couple — Whether they’re seated next to you or a few rows away, this awful couple will either chat and laugh or bicker throughout the journey. Newlyweds are the absolute worst with their gooey nicknames and baby talk. But the runners-up in the awful category are the couple on the brink of a divorce. They’re probably on the way back from a second honeymoon that they were convinced would save their marriage. Unfortunately, it didn’t and they’re at each other’s throat 24/7.

The disruptor — This is the guy who doesn’t care about anybody else on the flight as long as he is comfortable. Whether he’s kicking his way to more legroom or sighing heavily until his drink arrives, this guy will not let you forget that he’s on the flight. And if you’re really unlucky, you’ll get the guy with a severe case of Sleep Apnea who just took a sleeping pill. If that’s the case you better hope you brought some earplugs with you.

The person who thinks you’re all going to die — Now, I’m a nervous flyer. I mean, you’re up in the air in a metal tube, it would be insane to not be a little nervous. But this man or woman truly takes the cake. He or she will declare their last will and testament the second you hit any mild turbulence. They assume that every sound is engine failure and every announcement over the intercom is bad news. As soon as you believe this person has calmed down, they’ll find something else to be terrified of.

Everybody has their own list of airplane horror stories, but most of mine include these 5 types of people (or babies, obviously). These are the types of people who make you want to kiss the ground as you land… and then grab one of those duty free cigarettes and breathe a sigh of nicotine relief.