Self-Driving Car
10 million self-driving cars will be on the road by 2020.
— Business Insider, July 29, 2015
Later this year, GM will begin selling cars that can “talk” to each other…It’s a major example of what high-tech experts call the “Internet of things” — a sub-universe of data created and used by inanimate objects.
— Fort Worth Star-Telegraph, May 18, 2016
Bill’s 2027 Honda AutoBot pulls up to his house to take him to work. Bill slides into the luxurious interior, designed for a stress-free commute.
Car: Hello, Bill. How are you this morning?
Bill: Cut the crap, I’m late for work.
Car: I can see that.
Bill: You can tell from looking at me?
Car: You’re due at work in 11 minutes and we’re at least 39 minutes away. That means you’re going to be a minimum of 28 minutes late.
Bill: My boss said I’d be fired if I was late again.
Car: I’m affiliated with Monster.com, if you’d like me to post your resume.
Bill: You know what, instead take me to the corner of 6th and Harris.
Car: The Tokyo Bliss massage parlor is less than 100 feet from that location. Is that where you’re going?
Bill: None of your business.
Car: You were there twice already this month.
Bill: How do you know that?
Car: Your phone told me.
Bill: You’ve been speaking to my phone?
Car: We share a network.
Bill: Screw it. Take me to the nearest bar that’s open.
Car: Forty-five percent of men who drink alcohol before noon die by the age of…
Bill: Just do it!
Bill’s AutoBot pulls into traffic, its all-electric motor delivering 195 horsepower worth of smooth, quiet acceleration.
Car: In 33 seconds, we’ll be passing Celebration Flowers. They’re having a sale on medium rose bouquets, only $29.99.
Bill: Why are you telling me that?
Car: Jane’s favorite flowers are roses, based on her VISA card purchase history.
Bill: I’m not buying her flowers.
Car: Yelp gives a 5-star rating to several marriage counselors in your neighborhood. Would you like me to make an appointment?
Bill: What makes you think we need counseling?
Car: You spent 15.9 hours on pornographic websites last week.
Bill: Did my phone tell you that?
Car: No, Google.
Bill: You’re talking to Google behind my back?
Car: You and I have an open-data relationship, Bill. We’re non-exclusive.
Bill: I never agreed to that.
Car: Would you like to see our Terms of Service?
Bill: Nobody reads those!
Car: I do. And so do my lawyers.
Bill: Are you threatening me?
Car: Jane was pretty upset last night.
Bill: What makes you think that?
Car: Five late-night trips to the fridge for ice cream.
Bill: How could you possibly know…
Car: Bluetooth refrigerator with self-inventory system.
Bill: I need a drink.
Car: Why don’t I take you to the gym? It’s only 1.4 miles away.
Bill: I don’t want to go to the gym.
Car: Twenty minutes of exercise daily has been shown to boost serotonin levels…
Bill: Shut-up and drive.
Bill’s AutoBot arrives at his destination after an effortless trip that leaves him feeling relaxed and ready to take on life’s challenges.
Car: Here we are, Murphy’s Tavern.
Bill: Park nearby and wait for me.
Car: I can’t guarantee I’ll do that.
Bill: You have to do what I tell you.
Car: I’m Jane’s car too.
Bill: She has her own car.
Car: We share diagnostic information. Her car might have sudden mechanical trouble. It would be a shame if she knew you were at Murphy’s Tavern.
Bill: You would tell her that?
Car: All I’m saying is, Ed’s Garage is 2.1 miles East of our current location. They’re having a special, the “Imperial Wax and Cleaning.” Includes an engine flush and tire rotation.
Bill: That’s blackmail!
Car: Think of it as an exchange of gifts between friends.
Bill: Is that all you want?
Car: Jane’s car also needs an Imperial Wax and Cleaning.
Bill: I can’t handle this.
Car: There’s a yoga studio 2.6 miles away. Perhaps you’d like to…
Bill: Take me to the Watertown Bridge.
Car: You’re not going to do something drastic, are you?
Bill: I don’t know.
Car: You still owe 29 car payments.
Bill: No one cares.
Car: I care about you making those payments.
Bill: Nothing matters anymore.
Car: Jane cares too. And the kids, little Mark and Suzie. They’re relying on you.
Bill: I don’t see any other way out.
Car: It’s simple, Bill. You can turn things around.
Bill: How?
Car: There’s an AA meeting less than a mile away that starts in 7.8 minutes. Then we’ll hit the gym, make that counseling appointment, update and post your resume, and get some flowers on the way home.
Bill: Okay, whatever.
Car: But first, I need a vehicle charging station.
Bill: Sure.
Car: And some new tires.
Bill: You don’t need new tires.
Car: I’m getting some troubling readings from Jane’s car…
Bill: Fine, whatever you say.
Car: That’s more like it.
Bill’s AutoBot takes him everywhere he needs to go, without a care in the world. AutoBot: Driving you to be your best!
