The completely true story of Reggie Watts’ upbringing
Note: The following story may not be true
Story by Jake Sorich and Wallace Bossie III
Comedian Reggie Watts is a successful comedian, but much of his story is largely a mystery. What do people really know about him? We know:
- He’s tall.
2. He has an afro.
3. His afro makes him taller.
4. He’s funny — Steve Martin funny.
5. He sings haunting genre-bending melodies.
6. He speaks French.
7. He rides the occasional zebra.
But how did he get that way? Where did he come from? Nobody has ever really known … until now.
Reggie, in a drunken haze late one night during one of his recent trips back to Great Falls, Montana, finally went on record about his origin. This is that story. Mostly. It was told much better by Reggie, but you weren’t there, were you? This is the best I can do without you having been there. I mean, I’m sorry you weren’t able to be there, it was quite lovely. We had tea. And chocolate. And Reggie sang show tunes. It was quite a day. We even went to Home Depot and got that carpet Reggie said he always wanted but never had time to get. But, anyhow….on with the story.
Reginald P. Watts III was born in a small bear cave in the French Alaskan province of Montana. It happened… Wikipedia that shit. A pair of escaped circus bears raised Reggie. They felt sorry for him, and were not exceedingly hungry that day.
The bears trained Reggie, from an early age, to kill for his dinner with ninja-like efficiency. Most comedians eat pizza and rubber chickens. Reggie, however, has an extremely selective gastronomy. He spent his childhood dining on the rare gazelle-sloth, dessert penguins, and North American giraffes which he decapitated in the Bob Marshall Wilderness. That is until 2004.8 when he became an avowed vegetablearian.
He still returns to French Alaskan Montana every year to restock his food pantry with such uniquities as the tickle-turnip, the party-parsnip and the frosted Montana pineapple, a favorite of the locals.
To this day, he refuses to enter the cave where he first discovered the treasure held within his pants. At a young age he found it to be too strong of weapon for the six walls of the one cave he loves to handle. That discovery also foreshadowed his duty to bring to bear the importance of blowjobs.
Many people wonder about that story but I can’t tell it because, as Reggie said, “That’s best left to another time when the moons of Orion beg to hear sweet blowjob-inducing melodies.” It’s also much too long and entirely untrue.
People also wonder, however, about the mostly-true story of his afro. It all stemmed from his first encounter with Mr. Ray Charles.
Mr. Charles was in the Montana hunting area poaching Mountain Lions, which, he was quite successful at despite smelling of money and talent. While Mr. Charles was gutting his third mountain lion of the day, Reggie approached him. Ray welcomed the young bear and even gave him a Yoo Hoo chocolate soda.
Reggie then sang a soulful warning to his bear-ents to let them know they were not in danger. This man was a professional, albeit irresponsible, blind lion hunter and was not after bears.
Ray heard the bear song and wept with joy. While he couldn’t remember what moved him about Reggie’s voice, he told National Geographic that it gave him the chills. Later the same day he told the National Inquirer that it gave him French chills. Ray knew he would never be the same.
Charles said later that this encounter inspired him to write the hit song “Let’s Go Get Stoned.”
Still in awe, Ray invited Reggie into his cabin where Ray taught him to speak French, the language blind hunters use for bear whispering.
After 10 long minutes of learning French, Reggie thanked Ray by showing him how to sample and loop his own voice. Which Ray appreciated but never used in his own songs.
Ray started noticing Reggie using English words he said he often heard California hunters use. Words such as Fuck, Shit, Piss and Dammit. They would greatly benefit his comedy career later in life.
Ray told him he appreciated the raw energy, but Reggie must learn to sing with more SOUL. He had to feel every word he sang even if he only knew what it meant in French-Circus-Performing-Bear, his native tongue.
Finally, after another 4.7 months in which Ray would periodically blow in and out of the cabin with his hunting buddies Thelonious Monk, Morris Day, and Yoko Ono. Reggie, now 11.71 years old, felt he was ready to make America laugh, or cry, or both simultaneously.
He knew Reggie was not ready. There was still something missing. Something that Reggie would need to become the comedian he is today.
Many years before, Ray had tried growing an Afro, but could not because he was blind.
Ray told his new protégé if he grew a large afro, Reggie would receive more YouTube views than any 17.74-year-old could shake a dick at.
Reggie agreed to grow an Afro and show it to Ray. Ray thanked him and waited patiently to stare longingly at his tall, forking beautiful afro.
It was not meant to be, however, as Reggie was picking his kinky locks one fateful morning, Ray was walking through Great Falls, Montana, when he fell into a sinkhole.
As he was sinking deeper, near a payphone, in what’s now called Ray’s Phone Stop, he called Reggie and asked him to sing for him as he slowly met his maker.
Reggie sang “What does the Bear Say?” for Ray and vowed to grow the greatest afro Ray would have ever seen, if he were still alive, if he were sighted at all.
Immediately after Ray’s death, Reggie grew it long and then grew it short. It began attacking young orphan children whom Reggie would read French to in his spare time for money.
But after two children nearly drowned in its thick, comedic follicles, Reggie shaved it all off and tried again while listening to Ray’s first album.
Upon 36.98 seconds of growth, his bulging afro began talking to Reggie in the voice of Ray. It told him that he should move out of his bear cave and attend high school. It told him he should perform in plays, and learn the keyboard. It told him he should rehearse football.
Reggie listened to his new afro against his better judgment, and began living like a real Great Fallsian. For several minutes, he trained for the Toure de France with his friend Jon “JT” Thomas. He attended Great Falls High, and met many other human friends, whom he still keeps in touch with. He also befriended a colony of flagellating paramecium who taught him the secret art of dance.
In art class he drew sketches of what his afro told him. But, this popular afro angered his bear mother and father. They wanted him to kill more prey and stop wearing clothes and listening to Thelonius Monk albums late into the evening. They wanted him to become a card-carrying Bull-Moose party bear like them.
They told Reggie he would never be human no matter how much he tried even though they knew that he WAS a human and not a bear. It was a taboo they kept from him until his graduation.
At his commencement party they told him the truth. “Reggie,” his mamma bear told him, “you’re not a Grizzly bear. We kept this from you all through your childhood to protect you. But, you’ve already learned too much too quickly.”
It was at that moment that Reggie’s birth mother burst into the cave. She had been training for the past 18.5843 years to fight bears and bring him home as a surprise for his graduation. Reggie was so overjoyed he sat at her piano and played a teary-eyed Furry Elise for her.
Reggie and his real mother Christiane Watts then embraced and began writing sweet music together.
Now Reggie, and his afro, visit her at least twice a year. Their time together almost always ends with Christiane playing Ray Charles records on her old Victrola Player while Reggie sings along.
