Too Long, Didn’t Read: Early World History

Too Long, Didn’t Read is my way of trying to help out any students who need to know the basics of history, or need an easy way to remember something, with some vulgarity and very offensive humor. But mainly vulgarity. If you are uncomfortable with what could be considered offensive and/or adult humor or words, stop reading now, because it’s all downhill from here.

Holy fuck that’s us.

What’s up fuckers.

This TLDR is going to be about early world history, of which, I am not anywhere near an expert (I did get a five on the World History AP test, though). I can assure you, however, that this is all factually correct to the AP level. That doesn't mean replace your textbook with this shit. This is a shitty way to make you laugh while studying and help you remember things in the stupidest fucking way possible. So let’s get started.

The Era of Foragers

So basically, a long time ago in a continent far, far away, humans were shit brained monkeys waltzing around for the longest era in human fucking history. The majority of the time that we humans spent existing, we spent running around naked getting shit on by nature. We didn’t try to alter our environment or build cities or anything, but what we did do, was have lots of sex. Lots and lots and lots of sex. This meant lots of humans, because back then, we didn’t have birth control or Planned Parenthood. So we fucked, and we gave birth, and lots of us died because this period was the time that nature gave us the biggest middle finger ever.

The only good thing we did get was language. We were special in this case, because none of the other shit brained monkeys could communicate as well as we, the clearly superior shit brained monkeys, could. This language development was fucking crucial to our domination of the world (and creation of samoas). Thankfully, the shit brained monkey era of human history ended right around 10,000 years ago, when we started farming shit.

So what makes us different from those other shit brained monkeys?

Unfortunately, not fucking much. All the other shit brained monkeys had 2 legs, brains, and would hunt and use tools and fuck. But holy fucking jesus on a stick y’know what we did have? Fucking language. That’s right fuckers. We could talk to each other much better than the other monkeys. We could tell our kids how to make a hammer, or the best sex positions, which meant that we retained more knowledge than we lost when we bit the dust. It also meant that we gave our first, barely there middle finger to mother nature, as the language improvements sped up natural selection. So how long ago did this happen? Just a subtle 200,000 to 300,000 years ago (yeah it’s a long ass time, but look at how influential Samoas are, and they’re younger than Texas! (I think, but this is world history, not Girl Scout Cookie history)).

Foraging Lifeways

So how in big boned bertha do we know about any of this shit? Well, a couple different ways. First, human skeletons are resilient fuckers, so we still have some crusty ass bone pieces from way back when. Second, there’s also some people who still forage today (I swore I wouldn’t call anybody degenerates during this, but they’re really pushing it. Like why the fuck would you WANT to run around bare ass naked eating berries, when you could be sitting in a bathtub sipping orange juice and watching Game of Thrones?), so we follow them around with drones or some shit and look at their dumbasses as they search for berries.

So now that we know how we know about these shitheads, what DO we know about them? Well they were fucking dumb as fuck that’s for sure. They didn’t farm, so they couldn’t sustain high populations of people, despite the amount of sex they had. We also know that they ran around bare ass naked together in little groups, runnin’ around being nomads and shit.

Kith and Kin

These early nomadic groups interacted with each other (rampant introversion only became a thing when you could hire an uber to go fucking grocery shopping for you), and in the process spread about information (like sex positions). They also exchanged gifts between each other, which was really just an early form of trading. Additionally, it’s around here that we start seeing the first divides between the sexes (woo patriarchy!), with men taking on hunting roles, while women would gather the berries and squirt milk at the kids. However, there wasn’t any idea of superiority of one of the sexes yet(damnit, not patriarchy yet).

One of the most important things that happened was the beginnings of spiritualism and religion, which makes sense. Imagine being only a bit more evolved than a shit brained monkey, and you’re looking around, seeing all these fucking clouds and tornados and oceans and shit, and you’re sitting there like the damn thinking man going “how the FUCK is this real”. They answered that question with spiritualism (because obviously rivers are possessed. Duh..), and would see the natural world in a spiritual way. It also helped to make sense of all the random shit animals did (y’all, beavers make dams. Who the fuck makes dams? We make dams for power, what the hell does a beaver have to gain from a dam? Goddamn.) So, because the shit brained monkeys hadn’t quite figured out that you can’t fall off the earth (if you’re part of the Flat Earth Society and still believe this, 1) Fuck you 2) Columbus proved you wrong you headass), they did what humans do best: make shit up and hope for the best.

Real talk though, one of the strongest human characteristics is the ability to adapt much quicker than other mammals. We can learn, comprehend, and understand the world, and use contex clues and what we know to make inferences about the future. Being human is about understanding your environment, and being able to properly predict what’s going to happen next.

Living Standards

So if I’m a nomad, what the fuckity kind of material posessions do I have? Not much, because I have to haul all of that shit everywhere I fucking go (because I’m a degenerate who doesn’t know to plant some fucking wheat, chop down a tree, and begin to sexually dominate my wife). This was something of a good thing though, because the constant movement meant that humans never overused an area, so we didn’t have any major famines during this time period.

Major Changes during the Era of Foragers

Buckle your seatbelts y’all. Shits getting wild. The change during the era of foragers was crazy fast. Like, if Bugatti, Ferrari, and Lamborghini had a 3 way orgy and shit out a kid, fast. But it was fast in relation to the rest of human history. Tech innovation was still really fucking slow, to the point where you couldn’t tell innovation was happening in a lifetime. But, when compared to the rest of human history, shit was like Speedy Gonzales. All these new technologies (which we don’t see as technology today. Shit like axes and fuckin’ spoons n’ shit) meant that we could explore out and walk around the Earth. And, like previously mentioned, when your a shit brained monkey holding an axe made of a stick and a rock, and you can walk around and speak to your fellow shit brained monkeys, you’re on the path to World Domination.

Migrations From Africa

In case you didn't get the message, humans came from Africa. So all those KKK members running around? Yep. Fucking hypocrites, because they’re black too! Just a long time ago they moved to Europe and lost their blackness. Humans popped up in Africa around 100,000 years ago, and we’ve been running around ever since. We even made it to Siberia and Australia, which means that we built fucking boats and fur coats. All this movement meant that we needed evolution, and the more we evolved, the more we moved.

Human Impacts on the Environment

So, this is around the time we start dishing out middle fingers to nature, to get back at it for all those middle fingers we got in early human history. As we spread around and shit, we killed the fuck outta all the big mammals that had the most meat. Y’know what that means? It means that A. We’ve always been shitty towards the environment, and B. We could have been eating wolly mammoth instead of cow, but those damn early humans ruined that for us.

Affluent Foragers

It was around 50,000 years ago that shit started to pick up the pace as far as tech. It was like 20,000 or 30,ooo years ago when we saw the first bow & arrows and spears (Katniss Everdeen where u @). All this new tech pushed humans farther and farther apart, but some noticed that specific regions were pretty lit on their own (Mesopotamia). So they stayed. And then they decided to plant their own shit. Which involved getting water there, and building a house, and talking to people. Yup. We’re agrarianizing, bitches.

So yeah, it was a long read right? Well, fuck you. I just covered hundreds of thousands of years in like less than 5,000 words, so I’m not sure how much better you’re gonna get. If you enjoyed this stupid shit, make sure to show your friends (and not your teachers), and like it so more people looking for shitty history can find it. Next time we’ll look at The Agrarian Era, and the development of cities, nations, etc. Until then, don’t fucking fail.