Chris Rock: Kill The Messenger

The World’s Biggest Comedian On Three of the World’s Biggest Stages

By: Jake Thomson


“I love being famous. It’s almost like being white.” — Chris Rock

“Abby Road” was the last record that the original members of The Beatles recorded, and is considered by most to be their best album.

Ten thousand hours. That’s how many hours of practice it takes for an individual to become a world class expert, according to Malcolm Gladwell’s best selling novel Outliers. Mozart, the most famous composer of all time, started writing music when he was 6, it was not until the age of 21 that he began composing his most famous pieces, roughly ten thousand hours of playing the piano. The Beatles performed together in a German strip club 8 hours a day, 7 days of the week until they eventually became the most successful and revered recording artists of all time. Filmed in 2008, Chris Rock’s Kill The Messenger is the culmination of Chris Rock’s ten thousand hours. The seminal work of the world’s best comedian, an undeniable expert in his craft, performing on three of the biggest stages in the world. If Bring The Pain was his Revolver, then Kill The Messenger is his Abbey Road, and like the Beatles, he would capture the hearts of fans all over the world, albeit by telling white people when it is acceptable to say “nigga” rather than writing love songs. This is Chris Rock at the peak of his talents, seated upon the throne of comedy, ruling with an iron mic.

Chris Rock was born on February 7th, 1965 in Andrews, South Carolina, but moved to Brooklyn shortly after his birth. Growing up in Brooklyn, Rock was bused to schools in predominantly white neighborhoods, where he was constantly bullied, teased, and even beaten. As he grew older, the bullying intensified, and he eventually dropped out of high school altogether. For a few years Rock worked minimum wage jobs at various fast food restaurants, but it was in 1984 where he began to chase his dream, and he began performing stand up in a chain of New York comedy clubs called “Catch a Rising Star”. And catch a rising star they did, because Rock quickly ascended the ranks of the New York comedy scene, and began landing small roles in TV shows.

Eddie Murphy quickly became one of the biggest stars in Hollywood after getting his start doing stand up comedy.

Now, Malcolm Gladwell’s theory of success is not solely composed of practicing for ten thousand hours. There are two necessary components involved that make or break any individuals rise to success, and that is luck and timing. The reality is, only those with the right opportunities will make it big, and luckily for Chris Rock, his big opportunity was literally right in front of him one night as he was performing his routine, a manifestation of luck and timing in the form of the current king of comedy and Rock’s personal idol Eddie Murphy. Murphy saw not only saw the raw talent, but the potential that Rock possessed, and took him under his wing, becoming his mentor and landing him a role in Beverly Hills Cop II. Rock then followed in Murphy’s footsteps by joining the cast of Saturday Night Live in 1990. During his three years on the show, Rock gained national exposure, and worked with other rising comedic stars who would eventually go on to be just as successful as him, including Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, and David Spade. Rock eventually grew frustrated with the show, and left in 1993. Post-SNL, Rock decided to focus on his film career, but nothing was panning out the way he wanted it, so he went back to his roots, and starred in the HBO comedy special Big Ass Jokes. It was well received, but it was the second one, Bring the Pain, that became his breakthrough, reinventing him as one of the best stand up comedians in the world, and thrusting Rock into the spotlight as one of America’s premiere entertainers. Throughout the next decade Rock would go on to win multiple Emmy and Grammy awards, star in countless commercial films, and even host The Oscars.

Kill the Messenger is his 5th and most recent HBO special, and was put together from 3 different performances in various locations: the Apollo Theater in New York, the Carnival City Casino in Johannesburg, South Africa, and the HMV Hammersmith Apollo in London, England. While the concept of editing together three performances might seem gimmicky at first, it does allow for audiences to catch a glimpse of how talented and well-rehearsed Rock really is. There are certain moments during the special where it will repeat certain lines, showing Rock deliver them in all three venues, and this really sheds light on just how rehearsed and undeviating his performances are. His routines are so perfected that his delivery and gestures are almost identical to each other, even though his routine seems so organic and improvised. This is a true testament to Rock’s finely honed skills as a comedian, the direct result of his experience and comedy wisdom.

Another thing that makes Messenger such an important special is that it was taped just before the 2008 election, the election in which Barack Obama became the first African-American president of the United States, and for a comedian whose style centers around race and politics, this was the perfect storm of material for one of modern America’s most outspoken observers to run with. His thoughts on the election and hilarious views on then president George W. Bush (spoiler alert: he’s not a huge fan) are definitely the highlights of the special, but that does not mean that the rest of the material is anything less than stellar, as there is not a single dull moment to be had for the entire 75 minutes. It truly is the performance of a lifetime. Well…three performances actually.


Kill the Messenger Transcript

[Duffle Bag Boy plays as he approaches the stage]

Wassup Johannesburg! Wassup New York! Wassup London!


Johannesburg I Finally made it, now let’s hope I make it the fuck outta here, cause it is violent right about now, and I ain’t talkin about the jungle.

[crowd laughs]

Man its good to be here. It’s my first time in Africa, so I was on Safari with my family, taking pictures of the animals, and you’re driving around, and you got this guy with you called a “tracker”. The tracker is amazing cause you’re driving around and the tractor goes “stop stop stop”, and you stop the jeep and he leans down and puts his finger in some piss, [pretends to stick finger in piss and taste it] “fifteen miles that way is zebra”, and you get there, and there’s zebra! There’s zebra wow! Zebra! And you’re driving some more and he says “stop stop stop”, and he picks up a shit pellet, “thirteen miles to the left, rhinoceros”, and you get there and there’s a rhino right there and you’re like “how does he do this shit!”

And its beautiful and I’m out there taking pictures of the rhino, I’m taking pictures of the zebras, and I’m having a good time and I’m out there with my family and I feel great, until I look over at another jeep and I see a group of white people taking pictures of me. I’m no animal, but they had a tracker tracking my black ass. Evidently I must’ve dropped some chicken or something at another spot and they were like “ah chicken, 13 miles to the left niggas will be there”.


[Applause]

But this is a crazy time. This is the time to be on stage. This is the time to do a special, man. Cause this is a special time. A lots going on right now, that’s right. It’s a big election year in the United States. It ain’t your election, but you’re sure paying attention, aren’t you? George Bush fucked up so bad he made it hard for a white guy to run for president. People are like “give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra, anything but another white man. That last guy fucked up my roof.”

Rock makes it very clear from right from the start who he is voting for in the election.

Now who do we have running for president? We got two guys. We got John McCain, 72 years old. He was too old 10 years ago. 72! He’s so old he used to own Sidney Poitier. C’mon man I don’t need a president with a bucket list. 72! How many 72 year olds did you see today, just doin shit? Old people don’t even use old people to do shit. Seventy fuckin two! He got his nurse to be his vice president too. What the fuck is on her mind? Sarah Palin out there shootin mooses and shit. I see her holdin up a moose and I’m like what the fuck is Michael Vick in jail for? She shot a moose! My god! John McCain how are you gonna make decisions on the future when you ain’t gonna be here? Motherfucker’s too old. When you die at 72, you die of natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes, cause if you was younger, you would’ve gotten out the way.

You got a big choice, though, Barack or McCain. McCain’s got that old story he been tellin for 40 fuckin years. He a war hero, a war hero that got captured. There’s a lot of guys in jail that got captured. Fuck that, I don’t wanna vote for the guy that got captured, I wanna vote for the guy that got away!

Who’s he runnin up against? Barack Obama. Barack Obama, a black man. And he got a black name. I know its not that black over here, but in America that’s about as black as it gets. Barack Obama, that’s right next to Dikembe Mutumbo. Barack really doesn’t let his blackness sneak up on you. If he was Bob Jones, it might take you 2–3 weeks to realize he was black. But as soon as you see Barack Obama, you expect him to be holding a spear, just standin on top of a dead lion. Barack Obama. You expect to see the bass player from Commodores, New Addition to come out, and no, I’m not talking about Lionel Ritchie, I’m talking about the niggas behind him. Barack Obama. We ain’t never seen a brother like Barack Obama. Every time I see Barack I’m like, “so when you getting back with New Addition?”

This young brother, so calm, so cool, sometimes I wonder if he realizes he’s the black candidate. Like he thinks he’s gonna win this thing fair and square. Like he thinks having the most votes is gonna matter. Shit they’re gonna change the whole system overnight. Ask the Indians; the white men will change their rules. They’ll do it with a straight face too like “Hey man you got the most votes, too bad you lost. That’s how we used to do it. We don’t really count votes anymore.” And they are up Barack’s ass. If you ever knew Barack Obama, they are tapping your phones, and that’s where McCain has the advantage, cause all his friends are dead.

This election’s so weird, the way they report on it. The way they report it is so racial. “How many white people are voting? How many working class white people are voting? How many white people under 4’8” are voting for Barack Obama?” The thing is, whenever white people vote for Barack Obama, which is often, they say “well he spoke about the issues in a way they agree. They weighed the odds, looked at both sides, and felt that Obama spoke to their issues.” And whenever black people vote, they’re like “well they’re black, he’s black, I guess that’s why”. Like we don’t even have names on our ballot, its just scratch and sniff on our ballot. Like its just pictures of milkshakes. “Strawberry? Nah, chocolate. I want chocolate that’s what I want!” Don’t get me wrong, black people are very excited about Barack Obama, but we’re not just voting for him because he’s black, its because he’s black AND qualified. That’s why we’re behind him. Its not like we’re voting for Flava Flav. [“Yeah boiiii Flava Flav!]

William Johnathan Drayton Jr., better known as Flava Flav, became famous as apart of the hip hop group “Public Enemy”.

Hey I love Flava Flav, have for 20 years. I love The Flavor of Love show, but Flava Flav must be killed. In order for black people to reach their prime, Flava Flav must be shot. These are desperate times. We got a black man running for president, we don’t need a nigga runnin around with a clock around his neck and a Viking hat on his head. Not this year Flava, put a suit on!

We are very excited; I wanna let white people know that if Barack wins, if you have any activity in your life that involves black people, that is supposed to happen the day after Election Day, it will not get done. Election day is a Tuesday, that Wednesday don’t schedule no black shit. If you got a flight, and you want someone to carry your bags, you carry your own motherfuckin bags. We got a black president motherfucker.

Yo its gonna be hard for Barack Obama to be president man. He has to overcome a handicap that no other president has had. Its gonna be hard for Barack Obama to be president because he has a black wife, and I don’t think a black woman can be first lady of the United States.

[Crowd gasps]

Michelle Obama, the 44th First Lady of the United States

I said it in Johannesburg, I said that shit! I said it in London, England, I said that shit! I said it at the Apollo Theater, I said that shit! I don’t believe a black woman can be president, you know why? Because a black woman can’t be in the background of a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, a black woman could be president easily, but first lady? No, that’s too much shuttin up. Could you imagine telling your wife that you’re president?

[Male voice] “Honey I won. I’m president!”

[Female voice]“No, WE president. And I want my girlfriends in the cabinet. I want Kiki to be secretary of defense, she can fight.”

You can’t have no black woman as first lady! It’s too much work for the secret service. You get a white girl, she’ll tell you exactly what to do. Black women get mad when I say that “Oh you need a white girl, muthafucka? Think you need a white girl soon as you get a little money?” Actually, before we get money.

Black women get pissed at interracial dating. Black women get angrier than southern white men. They get pissed the fuck off, especially if they see a white girl with a famous black man. They see a white girl with Denzel Washington they fuckin start shakin. They’re ready to punch that white girl in the face. “What the fuck you doin with Denzel? Tryna take our good black men? We only got eight!” That’s right, black women get mad. They get mad at us, the black man. They get mad at us cause we like to exercise our variety. Black men like to exercise their variety. When a black man is choosing a mate, we check out the whole menu of women. You got any specials? But sisters get mad; they get in your face. They act like they mad at the black men, but they’re really mad at themselves. That’s right I said it I said it. They mad at themselves, and I’m gonna tell you the real reason that black women get mad at interracial dating. I’m gonna break it the fuck down tonight.

The real reason that black women get so mad at interracial dating is that they’re not attracted to white men. Don’t get me wrong they’ll fuck a pretty white boy. They’ll fuck Matthew McConaughey, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, but black men, our standards aren’t that high. We’ll fuck any white girl. As a matter of fact the bigger the better. It’s just more white to love. There’s white women here right now that don’t even have scales in their house, they just know they’ve gained too much weight when black guys start hittin on them. “These black guys are all over me! I gotta work out.” That’s right black men love a white women. A black man will drop kick Keira Knightley to get to Rosie O’Donnell. We will tear that Rosie pussy up boy. When you move that gut to the side there’s some good pussy under there. We don’t give a fuck! We’ll fuck the whole View. Rosie, Barbara Waters, Joy Behar…it’d be the view from the back of that ass! Shit, we’d fuck Rachel ray right after that shit. Rachel Ray with her plump ass. I would fuck her right in the arm fat. Just need a crease, that’s all a nigga needs, is a crease. That’s a crease nigga that’s a crease. I’ll fuck her in the arm fat and have her make me some biscuits when that’s over.

That’s what makes black women so mad, is that Rosie O’Donnell could roll into any club in Manhattan tonight, and get a black man. She may not be able to get a white man, but she can get a black man, and it doesn’t work the other way around. There’s no black women that would wanna get with George from Seinfeld. That’s right. If you see a black women with an overweight white man that means her credit is fucked up.

“Girl whatchu doin with him?”

“They was gonna take my car!”

Lets go back to the election for a second man. It don’t matter right now who wins this election. Barack or McCain, it don’t matter. George bush is still in charge. And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. You think you don’t give a fuck? Bush don’t give a fuck. If you were hanging off a cliff, and George Bush was at the top of the cliff, and all you needed to survive was a single fuck, and he had a pocket full of fucks, he wouldn’t give you one.

“Hey Bush I need a fuck!”

“Oh, you know I don’t give a fuck.”

Bush is unbelievable. This guy’s unbe-fuckin-lievable. This guys is not only the worst president of the United States, but the worst president, the worst PTA President, president of major league baseball, the world wide wrestling federation, WORST PRESIDENT EVER! Just the shit that’s gone down since he became president is unbelievable man. That mortgage crisis goin on right now, people losing their houses and shit. One month your mortgage is $900, the next month its $9000. You gotta look outside to see if you’ve moved. Gas is through the roof. Shit, gas is so expensive right now, they’re gonna start selling gas in bars. Its gonna be like “hey I wanna send half a tank over there to the lady in the red”. I think pretty soon people are gonna be fuckin for gas. I think people are already fuckin for gas. Some of y’all in here are fuckin for gas.

“Girl why are you with him?”

“He filled up half a tank.”

Ladies if he fills up your tank you gotta fuck him. Quarter of a tank? Hand job. It’s so expensive and I don’t even get it. So we invade a country and get oil, but gas costs more? Now that don’t make no sense. Now I didn’t go to no fancy school or nothing, but if I invaded a Kentucky fried chicken, wings would be cheaper at my house. Gas is so expensive right now, that if I fill up a tank, I jerk off right there at the gas station, you know why? Cause when I spend that kind of money, I’m used to cumming. You ought to try it. Next time you’re running low you’ll get happy.

“Almost outta gas!”

[Girly squeal of joy]

Is America ready for a black president? I hope Barack win man, I really do. I hope he wins so that I can stop giving my kids that “you can do whatever you wanna do, it doesn’t matter what anyone says” speech. White parents don’t have to say that shit, cause its obvious. You say that shit to a white kid and they say “Yeah I know I can be anything if I work hard. Even if I don’t work hard I can be anything.” Is America ready for a black president? Well, they should be cause we just had a retarded one.

America man, crazy. So much goin on man. And race is the biggest issue in the world man. Racism will never die, it will only multiply. All over the world. Even in my life there’s some racism. People go “really?” and I will say yes, in my life. Here’s an example of how racism affects my life. I live in a place called Alpine, New Jersey. My house cost millions of dollars.

Don’t hate the player, hate the game. In my neighborhood there are four black people. Of all the houses there are four black people. Who are these black people? Well there’s me, Mary J Blige, Jay-Z, and Eddie Murphy. Only black people in the whole neighborhood. Lets break it down. Me, I’m a decent comedian, I’m alright. Mary J Blige is one of the greatest R&B singers to walk the earth. Jay Z is one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the greatest actors to ever do it. You know what the white man that lives next door to me does? He’s a fuckin dentist. He ain’t the best dentist in the world, he ain’t goin to the dental hall of fame, he don’t get plaques for getting rid of plaque. He’s just a yank yo tooth out dentist. The black man gotta fly to get to something the white man can walk to. That’s right baby, and I had to make miracles happen to get that high. I had to host the Oscars to get that high, and to this day I still don’t even believe it’s my house. That’s why I keep a bag packed right by the door, just in case the white people that really own the place show up one day. Do you know what a black dentist would have to do to move into my neighborhood? He’d have to invent teeth.

Racism, its out there man. You wanna know the one thing that bothers me more than racism? Black people that are shocked by racism. Cause whenever racism goes down, there’s always one black person that never believes it. There’s nothing a white person could say to me that would ever catch me off guard. I’m always looking for some racism, no matter where I’m at. I could be sitting down with Regis Philbin, doing an interview about Madagascar 2,“Yeah Regis Madagascar 2 is real good, I play a zebra, blah blah blah…”, and Regis could pull out a pencil from his pocket an stab me in the neck and say “take that you fuckin nigga” and I would be like “should’ve seen that coming”. I’d be mad at me.

Race man, we live in an insane time. If you say the wrong thing, you in trouble. This is the first time in the history of the world where white men have to watch what they say. White men are getting in trouble for using the wrong words, its unbelievable.

[impersonating a white guy] “Well that’s not fair, you can say whatever you want. You can say nigger.”

Well yeah, but last time I checked that’s the only advantage I have for being black. Wanna switch places? You can scream “nigga” and I’ll raise interest rates. It’s the first time in the history of the world where the white men have to watch their tongue. That’s how life works. Sometimes the people with the most shit have to shut up and let other people talk shit about them. Sometimes the people with the most shit get to say the least shit, and the people with the least shit get to say the most shit, so if you wanna say more shit, get rid of some of your shit. For instance, fat girls can say whatever they want to about skinny girls.

“Fuckin skinny bitch….anorexic skinny bitch…fuckin cheerio belt wearin bitch…salad eatin motherfucker. I hope she chokes on her crouton”

But skinny girls can’t say anything about fat girls. That’s just mean.

“Look at these big bitches…do they freebase gravy? Food is not your friend.”

For instance, short guys can talk about tall guys all they want.

“Tall bastard, I hope your head hits an air conditioning vent. I hope Bin laden flies a plane into your lips”

But tall guys can’t talk about short guys. That’s mean.

“Look at these midget motherfuckers. Fee fi fo fum!”

Poor people can talk about rich people all they want.

“You rich bastard. I hope your yacht hits an iceberg in the summer. I hope your Picasso falls off the wall and kills your mother. You fuckin rich bastard.”

Rich people cant talk about poor people. That’s mean.

“Look at these broke bastards. We should raise the prices so we don’t have to see these people again. Is that Hyundai? With clothe interior? Ew!”

Yeah man, you gotta watch what you say. Even some black people gotta watch what they say. The guy on Greys Anatomy got fired for calling someone a faggot. You really gotta watch yourself. You say the wrong thing and your career is over. And it’s not even about the words. All bad words aren’t bad. It’s about the context in which the word is said. You say something like “you the finest bitch I ever seen” and that’s a compliment. It’s about the context. Its not about that my man on Greys anatomy said “faggot”, its about how he said it. Did he come in early one day and say “Good morning faggot!”, cause if he did that he should be fired.

How did he say it? Was he having an argument with this person? Did they have a relationship or something? And that’s the thing. If you’re having a fight with somebody, I think you should be allowed to say whatever you think is gonna hurt this person the most. Like if I’m driving, and someone crashes into me with one leg, I’m gonna talk about the leg.

“Hey you one-legged bastard, no wonder you can’t brake. I hope you got some two-legged insurance.”

But how did he say “faggot”? Here’s the question that no one wants to ask. What if the person that he called a faggot was acting like a faggot? And I’m not trying to disrespect gay people. I have gay friends, gay fans, and to you I’d like to say “Thanks for the money!”.

I’m all for gay rights. I hope y’all get the right to get married, buy cereal, anything you’re being denied, I hope you get it. I think gay fans are the best fans to have, cause they can buy tickets instantly. You know why? Cause they don’t have any fuckin kids. You never see no gay homeless people. There’s no gay homeless people, and there’s no Asian homeless people. That’s just the homeless rules. Homeless people discriminate, that’s true. You would think they would be more understanding.

Anyways, where was I? What if the person that he called a faggot, was acting like a faggot? Anybody can act like a faggot. You don’t even have to be a man. Lemma give you an example. I love Gwen Stefani. I think No Doubt is one of the best bands in the world. I keep the CD in my car and I sing that shit till the very end. [Sings part of a No Doubt song] I don’t even get out of the car until it’s over. I fuckin love me some Gwen Stefani. Now, if I’m in the car, and I’m at the light, and you’re behind me, and I’m blasting Gwen Stefani [sings Hollaback Girl] and the lights red. But then the light turns green, and I don’t see it, cause I’m in Gwen Stefani heaven, and I’m just going “ain’t no hollaback girl! Ain’t no hollaback girl!” and then the light starts blinking, about to turn red again, and I’m just going “this shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s!”. If you’re in the car behind me, you have the right to yell “Hey faggot, the lights about to change!”. Even Elton John would call me a faggot at that moment. It’s not the word, it’s about the context in which the word is said.

Speaking of words, they’re trying to get rid of the word “nigga”. My beloved “nigga”. Shit, last year the NAACP had a funeral for the word “nigga”. Well, then tonight is Easter.

Now, the question that always comes up is “Can white people say the word “nigga”. The answer is not really. You’ve gotta talk to your nigga representative, and they will tell you the nigga rules for that place and time. That’s right man we’re living in a time where Dr. King and Nelson Mandela’s dreams are coming alive and black people and white people and Asians and Indians are all coming together, its unbelievable what’s going on. All my black friends have a bunch of white friends, and all my white friends have one black friend.

The epitome of the west coast g-funk era.

If you have an interracial posse, you gotta figure out what the rules are. What are the Dr. Dre rules of the posse? What are the rules when a Dr. Dre song comes on? Cause sometimes I’m with my white friends, and a Dr. Dre song comes on, and there’s a lot of “niggas” in a Dr. Dre song. And they wanna enjoy it, but they can’t really enjoy it around me. They start taken out the niggas, mumbling the niggas, and it’s just a sad sight to see. It’s just sad to see a white person do a nigga-less rendition of a Dr. Dre song. It’s just sad to see. They’re like “creepin down the backstreet on D’s, I got my glock cocked cause…..I don’t know what say!” But I know when I’m not there, they lean into that shit. They’re like “He’s not here! Turn it up! Creepin, down the backstreet on D’s, I got my glock cocked cause NIGGA! Rat a tat tat I never hesitate to put a NIGGA on his back! NIGGA!” It’s ok white people, get your Dre on. Get your Jay on, and get your Kanye on. As long as it’s in the song, it’s ok.

The question remains the same: Can white people say “nigga”? And the answer’s the same: not really. There are some exceptions, like “Fuck me harder nigger”

[crowd laughs]

A lot of white women trying not to look at their husbands right now.

“Honey I was in college. He made me say it.”

The question remains the same: Can white people say “nigga”? And the answer’s the same: not really. There’s one exception though, one instance where white people can say the “n world”, and I’m gonna lay that out right here tonight. The one time that white people can say nigga, is on Christmas eve, between 4:30 and 4:49 in the morning, and you’re on your way to Toys R Us to get the last Transformers toy, and right before you get there, a black person comes up to you and smacks you in the side of the head with a brick, and then river dances on your head [Rock dances while repeating “Take that you cracker ass motherfucker!”] then pisses on you and runs away. At that moment, if you are white, you can say “Somebody stop that nigga!” A matter of fact, if you’re white and that happens to you, you can say “nigga” for a whole month. But you gotta have the police report in your pocket, in case any black people catch you sayin “nigga”, then that police report is your freedom papers.

Seven hundred and five locations worldwide!

It really is great to be here. I’m workin up here. This isn’t really work, though, this is my career. Some people have jobs, some people have careers. Now, the people in the audience who have careers need to shut the fuck up, because the people with jobs don’t wanna hear your career bullshit. Don’t let your happiness make someone else sad, cause that’s what it does. I used to work. I had a job at Red Lobster on Queens Boulevard. I was a dishwasher. I used to scrape shrimp into the garbage can then wash all of the dishes. That was my real job. No raise, no promotion, and they kept me in the back cause I had really fucked up teeth, and they didn’t want people to think that shrimp fucked up your teeth. That’s what they do at restaurants. They put the ugliest people in the back, so if you don’t like the people in the front, you don’t wanna see the people in the back. That was my real job. 1989, scraping shrimp. People are like “Chris, how was that your job?” I’ll tell you exactly how it happened to me. I dropped out of school in the 10th grade, which is the dumbest fucking thing you can ever do. Why? Cause when you drop out in the 10th grade, you might as well have dropped out in the 2nd grade, because they both qualify for the same jobs. In fact, dropping out in the 2nd grade would make your more qualified because you have 8 years of work experience.

Man I used to hate that job. I have been blessed with a career though, and if you have a job, I hope you get a career one day, cause when you’ve got a career, there ain’t enough time in the day. You look at your watch and realize its 5:30, and you’ve got to come in early tomorrow to finish up a project. When you’ve got a job, there’s too much time. You look at your watch like “Shit, its 9:08”. You don’t even trust the time. Whoever’s got the latest time is the one who’s right. You ever play the time game with yourself at work?

“I’m not gonna look at my watch for two hours, I’m just gonna scrape shrimp.”

[Pretends to scrape shrimp]

“Well it’s been 2 hours now, time to look at my watch.”

[Pretends to look at watch] “Shit it’s only been 15 minutes!”

You ever been so bored at work that you waste time just sitting on the toilet? Not even with your pants down, just sitting there like “I hate this job”. You wanna know what really means you have a bad job? When they give you a half hour lunch break. There’s nothing worse to a grown person than a half hour lunch break. Why don’t you just give me a little spoon with some applesauce on it? A half hour lunch break. By the time you put your jacket on, go around the corner to the little sandwich place, order it, wait for them to make it, then pay for it, 28 minutes have gone by, so you’re runnin back to work, trying to eat your sandwich, spillin it everywhere, and when you get back your boss has the nerves to say that you’re 8 minutes late. Fuck you! You realize criminals in jail have at least an hour lunch break? Can I at least eat like a murderer? I bet if I shot you in the face I could finish this sandwich.

We all gotta work though. Why? Cause we have to spend money on things that used to be free. Like, water. You can get water for free, but nobody does it. You know how many people are dying of thirst? How many people walk 10 miles just to get to some fresh water? And we spend money on bottled fuckin water. When you buy bottled water that means you only use tap water on your ass. And you wonder why people wanna blow us the fuck up. We got ass water that’s why.

[Rubs microphone on his ass]

You know why they call it tap water? Cause you just tap it on your nuts, that’s why. You know the craziest thing we spend money on? C’mon we’ve all done it. Ringtones. The phone used to ring for free, but “bring bring” wasn’t good enough for some of us. We need a ringtone that expresses our personality. And they got us, cause now we’re gonna have ringtones for the rest of our lives. You know why? Here’s what’s gonna happen in this George bush unregulated world of ours. The phone company is gonna buy the ringtone company, and then they’re gonna sell the phones with no ringtone. They’re gonna make you buy a ringtone, or else you have to guess when your phone is ringing.

[Talking on phone] “Hello, hello? Oh nobody’s there just checking. Man I need to buy a ringtone.”

But you got to get your money right. Men, you have got to get your money right. Women, you have to get your money right too, but it’s not as important than men. You wanna know why? Cause no one will not fuck you because you are broke. That’s right women, no man will turn you down because of financial reasons. Pussy is like Visa, accepted everywhere. Next time you don’t have cash ask if they take pussy.

“Of course we do, everybody takes pussy.”

It’s hard to be a man today. You know why it’s hard? Cause no one gives a fuck about men. You see a homeless guy with a dog on the side of the road, you feel sorry for the dog. The man? Fuck him. Every night on television there’s another missing women.

[TV announcer voice] “Carol went missing last night”

[Nervous voice] “Where’s Carol? We gotta find Carol!”

I’ve never seen one of these for a man. It’s hard being a man. Why? Cause you’ve got to deal with today’s woman, and today’s women is hard to deal with. What’s the show that all of todays women watch? Desperate Housewives. What is it? It’s a bunch of rich housewives, some of them don’t even work, who all cheat on their husbands. You know what that show should really be called? Ungrateful Bitches.

Every week they fuck the pool guy, or the gardener, and he can fuck real good too, but that’s cause he don’t have a full time job. Shit I could fuck that good too if I had an extra 8 hours to practice my stroke. You know what? I’m not even that good in bed, but I don’t give a fuck cause my bills are paid. I bet that security makes your titties tingle. Shit, I’ve never knocked out the pussy in my life. I’ve won by decision. That’s right. 2 out of every 5 times I fuck is good. The other 3 times are terrible. But just when you’re ready to pack your shit, I’ll give you a good one.

That’s right, what do women want? They want everything. All around the world it’s the same answer: everything. Women are the only ones who can have that answer. When a man wants something he says “I want that. I want that bad. I’ve got to figure what I got to do to get that.” When a women wants something, she goes “I want that. I want that badly. I’ve got to figure out who I can get to get me that.” Women want a lot, man. Women want you to get down on one knee and say “I love you more than anything in the world, you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.” But we ain’t sayin that. We only use that one when we’ve fucked up really bad. We gonna keep that one in our back pocket. Ladies if you ever hear that shit, he might’ve fucked your sister.

Ladies you wanna know the most romantic words a man can say to you? The most romantic thing a man can say to you is these words: “I ain’t goin nowhere”. There is nothing more romantic that a man can say than “I ain’t goin nowhere”, cause that means he’s thought about going somewhere.

“I talked to a lawyer, but the same things going to happen with the next girl so why not stay with you and be miserable.”

Big difference between men and women: When women go out with their friends and have a good time, we are happy for you. Oh you went and saw Sex and the City? Great, now I don’t have to take you to see that shit. And we are happy for you. But it doesn’t work the other way around. Women do not want us to have a good time, ever. If you come home from work, and she sees a smile on your face that she didn’t put there, she’s gonna get suspicious. That’s right, if you go out and have a good time with your boys and she asks “How was it?” you just say “It was alright”, cause if you beyond “alright”, you’re gonna be in a fight. If you come home saying “oh baby it was unbelievable. I had so much fun, A-rod hit a homer in the bottom of the 9th it was amazing”, watch what happens the next day. You waiting for some food, and there’s no fuckin food. You ask “Hey baby where’s the food” and she’ll say, “Why don’t you ask A-rod to make you some?”

Men and women, so many differences. A lot of men took women on dates tonight, women they haven’t even fucked yet. They say “I’m gonna close this deal with some Chris Rock tickets”. Well, 10% of that pussy is mine. Save me a lick or something, ok? Every man here who’s with a women is thinking the same thing: “When do I whip it out? Do I put it on a tray like an appetizer? Sprinkle some parsley on it? Bone appetite!”

Women nowadays got their own money now. And women are like “if you don’t take me on a vacation I’ll just find a cute guy and I’ll pay for everything”, but that only lasts about 30 days, cause women don’t like to pat for shit. That’s right, pussy costs money, dick is free. Any money you spend on dick is a bad investment. There is nothing that dries up a pussy faster than a women reaching for her wallet. Its almost like the wallet is sending a signal to the pussy saying that this man is not worthy of getting wet for. And then they go to the gynecologist and he’s like “oh my god you’ve been paying for shit. Another $500 and you’re gonna be in menopause.”


Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. Men cannot go backwards sexually, they can’t do it. Once we get the sex that we like, that’s how we roll. Men get stubborn in our old age. We like our coffee like this, we like our steak like this, and we like to fuck like this and if you don’t like that get the fuck out. Ladies, don’t get mad at us, get mad at our ex-girlfriend. She’s the one who ruined it for everybody. That’s right ladies, your man is nastier than you can imagine. Your man has been watching pornos since he was 12 years old. He has pornographic images going through his head, and he wants to relive some of this shit before he is dead. Now ladies, just because he came, doesn’t mean you made him cum. Did you hear what I said? Just because he came, doesn’t mean you made him cum. Every man has two levels of cumming. The first level comes out easy. Its like ketchup, “drip drip drip drip drip”, just like ketchup. But the 2nd level, if we’ve got a women doing the exact nasty shit that we like, wearing the nasty shit we like, and saying the nasty shit that we like, we shoot out like a civil right pose,

[Punches fist in the air] “Free at last!”

That’s right ladies. You’ve got to be very careful about what you introduce in bed. There’s no such thing as one time when it comes to sex, cause if we like it, its on the menu. You cant just be like “oh I’m gonna wear high heels tomorrow”. No, you’re gonna wear high heels everyday. “Ooh, I’m gonna do a girl for your birthday”, no, you’re gonna do a girl everyday. Better get some bunk-beds in this motherfucker. Shit, I remember the first time I had a girl suck the cum out of my dick and swallow.

[shudders]

[long pause]

That felt so good I could read Arabic. I was reading the Da Vinci Code.

[Long crowd applause]

Half the women in here are grossed out.

“ew cum in the mouth that’s disgusting”

And the other half…

[dramatic pause]

…are in loving relationships.

[crowd applauds]

Hey I’m outta here, y’all take care, thank you!

[drops mic]

[standing ovation]

[Duffle Bag Boy plays again]


Conclusion

Kill the Messenger may not be the best stand up special ever made, or even the best Chris Rock special ever made, but its significance can not be discredited. At this point in his career, Rock is almost like an oracle, full of life wisdom and knowledge. Throughout this performance, Rock takes it upon himself to answer questions about society that many people did not realize they were searching for. Questions like “When is it ok for a white person to say the n-word?” and “Why can’t a black woman be first lady?” are answered in humorous, but eerily truthful ways. There’s a truth to most of his views on sex, dating, and careers, and behind all of the absurd humor, is actual life advice that Rock has gained over his years of experience. And he should be an expert, as he had been married 18 years up to this point, well over ten thousand hours.

But his wisdom was all questioned only a year after this stand up was filmed, when Rock filed for divorce from his wife of 19 years. Does this disprove Gladwell’s ten thousand hour theory? No, this is not a slight to Gladwell’s theory. The real lesson that can learned here is this: no matter how much time you put into it, ten thousand hours or ten billion, you can never become a world class expert on marriage.