Foreshadowing

I wanted to take a moment to look back on the months before I was diagnosed where something was definitely wrong with me, but I attributed it to me being out of shape or anemic. A walk down memory lane. Less happy memories, more “Oh sh*t I had cancer while *insert event* was happening?!”

I first started noticing something was up when I got stomach pains on and off. My doctor ordered a blood test. A line of cells looked off. She ordered another test. Looked like I had mono or some sort of infection.

Meanwhile, I was set to graduate in about a month and a half. Slowly I started feeling more tired, looking more pale, and I started getting bone aches. I went back to my doctor. More blood tests were ordered. I was anemic.

Last month of school. Graduation was looming. Excitement was in the air. D’s crawfish boil. Graduation parties. Hanging out with friends. Going on hikes. Getting ready for our senior trip to Costa Rica. Lunch dates. Dinner dates. Biking. Charlie Chow’s.

Ah the hikes. My friends and I started hiking a lot before graduation and right after. During one of our first hikes I noticed I got out of breath really fast to the point that I would have to stop literally every few minutes to catch my breath. Sometimes I’d notice a lizard (I really like lizards) so I’d tell my friends to stop so we could observe this majestic creature. My friend D thought I was doing this just to take a break. I swear I wasn’t but to this day she doesn’t believe me. Anyway, as our hikes progressed I’d stop more frequently. I thought I was out of shape. I went on a hike two weeks before my diagnosis and that was when I was at my worst. I couldn’t even get up from the base of the canyon without a throbbing headache and burning lungs. My friend C made a comment “Nikki is literally dying”. We actually recall this quote often and laugh about it because guess what, I was LITERALLY dying. We are innapropriate but sometimes you need a little of that in life. Or a lot. So we decided to go have a bonfire at someone’s house instead. I attributed my problems to the anemia.

I went to Seattle with my dad right before I went to Costa Rica and we walked all over the city. My father, who is definitely not more in shape than me, was walking faster and much easier up and down the streets. I would make him stop so I could, once again, take a break. I did this frequently. We also took a picture at lunch. Looking back on the picture now, I look extremely pale and sickly.

Costa Rica. This trip saved my life. Literally. I get there, and within the first few days I’m having constant throbbing headaches again. At dinner one night in the humid Costa Rican air, I got the chills pretty badly. I also started getting extreme night sweats where I would wake up in a soaked sweaty shirt. I had tons of bruises all over my legs. Again, I looked very pale. All symptoms of leukemia.

At the end of this trip, I was severely sunburned. I rarely got burned and it had never been this bad. My skin was peeling! I was shocked. As we flew home, I was freezing. I put on pants, a hoodie and wrapped a blanket around myself. Salt Lake was super hot and I was STILL cold. The next three days I didn’t leave my house. I was SO TIRED. I rarely left the couch or my bed. The sunburn was what freaked me out the most. It was abnormal. Something was just…..off. I called the doctor and immediately got an 8 am appointment the next morning. She took blood. The doctors later told me I was so burned because the cancer effectively suppressed my immune system so nothing was protecting me.

I remember being at a lake with some friends the day before I was diagnosed. Later that night I went to another friend’s house and I remember just being exhausted out of my mind. I thought it was because I was at a lake for most of the day. I decided to leave early because I was getting sleepy and didn’t want to get in a car accident.

Two days later I got a call to go straight to the hospital because I had leukemia. I was shocked and sure I was going to die. The weeks that followed are fuzzy for me. I barely remember a thing but I do remember being surrounded by wonderful supportive people and to this day, I attribute their presence and support as the reason I stayed so strong, positive, and healthy (as healthy as a cancer patient can be). I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have that initial support. I was scared out of my mind but I tried not to show it (idk if that worked lol). Those first two weeks when I was dazed, confused, and not educated about the disease yet, I wasn’t sure I would make it quite frankly. I wanted to see everyone I possibly could.

It’s been quite a journey. Maybe I’ll write a book one day because I’ve been through more than any 19 year old should have to go through, not just with cancer. But when I look back on those memories, it’s interesting to pinpoint my timeline of when the disease first showed up. Disturbing a bit, yes. But still interesting. I’ve become a big advocate in encouraging my friends and family to go see the doctor when something feels off. Too often we brush off symptoms because we assume we are invincible or whatever we have will resolve itself. Always follow your intuition. If your intuition sucks…….well no comment.