Bro’s, Lads, Dudes and Guys: A Guide

Me and Cam were discussing the other day the categories that your average 18–24 year old male fits into, assuming he isn’t a grown up yet and has a family or a house or some other reason to never smile or be out. Here they are:

The Bro: The bro is the lowest form of intellect in the young male family and the most aggressive. The are categorically big chested, buff and walk around with tight T shirts and those trendy ‘head shaved on the side’ hair cuts. The bro is a pack creature so you never see them alone, and if you do see one alone it means that he is more likely a ‘Guy’ disguised as a bro. Bro’s usually have an alpha bro who leads the pack not because he’s less of a follower but because he is more in tune with ‘what’s happening’ in the bro group narrative then the other bros, and is slightly meaner and more manipulative. He is of course, not a true alpha in any sense because he is highly attuned to ‘what is happening’, rather than defining ‘what is happening’ as he sees it. If you see a pack of bro’s on a beach or in the street square your face so you scowel and walk tall. They won’t be able to weigh you up so will assume you are a threat. If you see them out while drunk and you are alone: RUN

The closely related but more evolved version of the bro is the lad. Lads are also social animals but are constricted less on who they hang out with. Lads are usually a lot happier and less insecure at the core so their exterior, although still well retained and strong, is less obnoxiously masculine and more individual in style. Lads like to banter and have a good time and they love their ‘boys’. A lad is happiest with other lads but thrives on a large group of people, lads, guys and even bro’s, but especially chicks of any variety. Unlike the bro’s who’s personal venture in life is to show themselves and others how scared they aren’t, lads are adventurers at heart, and are excited about traveling, partying and having fun at every turn. You can tell a lad but their extraversion, loud voice, big stupid smile and cavalier attitude to life. The only real down side of a lad is that they aren’t that intelligent, in terms of self awareness (though much more than a bro) so can come off as annoying and stupid. The worst enemy of a lad is an elitist intellectual type because they see the lads as stupid, obnoxious (what everyone sees the bros as) and is perpetually in sexual frustration about why girls go for ‘those arrogant, asshole lads who treat them like shit’ and not ‘the nice, intelligent guy’ like them. This isn’t actually a problem for the lads though because not only do the lads almost never see the elitist intellect but when the elitist intellect is around, he is naturally introverted and isn’t even noticed by the lad.

Other than lads and bro’s there are dudes. Dudes are the meta-term for those people who always seem to be ahead of the pack on the newest popular fringe movement and who are not only aware of what is ‘cool’ but are also defining it. These people are the types who were indie before indie was a main stream word and then hip before anyone knew what it was. These people can range from the ‘too cool you’ll never understand me man, Jean Paul Satre’ types all the way to the people whose lives are about being in, and seeing live bands and nothing else. If you are a freak and fit in nowhere else, you’ll be happy to know that this movement loves you ideologically. However there is still a large amount of knowing ‘what’s in’ and how to talk about it. You can get by not knowing about seriously elementary left wing politics for a while but if you can’t learn to carefully interwove sarcastic, semi intelligent remarks about Tony Abott or US foreign policy in Dude conversations you will have trouble gaining ‘Dude swagger’ and might have a hard time attracting some ‘Dude pussy’, which in my view is the only sane reason you’d get on board this absurdly smug clan. If you aren’t sure if you are a dude you should listen to the Dandy Warhol Song ‘Bohemian Like You’ and see if you can relate to the lyrics. If you can it’s probably time to get a hair cut, some new clothes, start smoking rollies and reading the onion and vice magazine. Oh, and Russell Brand.

Finally there are Guys. Guys are a strange breed and are referred to as guys because most people don’t actually know much about them, so they are often labelled as ‘those guys’, whenever they turn up in big group events full of lads bros and dudes. Guys will talk to almost anyone, except usually bro’s but they won’t fit neatly into any group because they are not pack animals. This is the reason why Guys’ won’t be very loud or animated or have much of a presence in large groups.

Guys are sometimes friends with one another and have close knit, small numbered ‘guy groups’, but often they are free lance guys who are friends with many different groups, skimming in between them and popping in and out at any time. Guys usually appear pretty chill and ‘normal’ on the surface but they are almost by definition deep, introverted and complex (WEIRD). They are almost always intelligent and the very least know how to fool people into thinking they are. It is because of the inner complexity and intelligence that Guys can easily get a long with dudes. And due to their ability to be social (as a skill) they can get along quite well with lads. Unfortunately for guys, the bros are a little too difficult to understand, due entirely to the bro being so simple that ‘they couldn’t possibly be that dumb’. It is for this reason that a guy could fall victim to a bro ‘alpha off’, as the bro tries to do this with anyone he sees and especially the quieter ones. The only guy who can usually deal with this is the alpha equivalent of a guy, which is an uber-guy: Though very rare, when a guy transcends to a level of great confidence, strength and self efficacy they can bring their unique world understanding, obscure personality (usually hidden in order to fit in) into a form that is supremely confident and quick witted. At this enlightened level of consciousness, the guy will be able to ‘out bro’ any bro, ‘out banter’ any lad and ‘out dude swagger’ any dude.

So who am I? For a long time I was a guy, and then a few months I started rocketing into Uber Guy mode after years of hard work. In that time my life has changed completely: I lost my virginity, seduced her into a relationship, made lots of new friends, got a new job, and then another new job, got into a habit of training 4 times a week, lost 20 KG’s, quit smoking and almost barrelled over ‘getting loose on the weekends’. I was happy, confident, cocky and developed wit. The thing about going uber though is that you take on more and you get worn down. So it’s been a lot of hard work in a short amount of time, bosses, colleagues, friends who have had issues that have drained me, family going through shit, relationship shit that is new to me and just general fatigue. In the last two months up until last week my days consisted of waking up at 7, driving to my colleagues, taking us to Melbourne, getting in traffic, getting to work, working (cold calling businesses, having to place job seekers in jobs/set up interviews etc), driving back (in tonnes of traffic), going to my second job, doing refil going home, sleeping and then doing it again. My friend broke down after a long time of breaking down, my best friend, someone who I have a strange borderline co dependent relationship with, and I couldn’t train either because I had to work my second job. So I deteriorated and now I’m tired, worn out and I just don’t smile. So now my job is to try and figure out how to smile again, how to self amuse again and get back on the horse. I’m getting worn out and talking shit is going to be the only thing that delivers me, at least until I can get this business off the ground. I wanna be a fucking comedian, do funny pod casts, public pranks and weird behaviour, go to a support group, start rowing, do salsa dancing, or maybe free running, scuba diving. And I want to go on a holiday. In fact my dream right now would be to sell my care and all my assets, cash all my savings and fly to the US and just go drifter mode for 6 to 8 months and try and take off there. FREEDOM