10 “Facts” about Dave Matthews that My Former Roommate Jodi Finally Gave Me Permission To Reveal

A few weeks ago, my good friend and former roommate, Jodi, posted this on her Facebook:

Say whatever you want about Dave Matthews, but his charity work is *astounding.*

Oh my God. Did she say what I thought she just said?

Say whatever you want about Dave Matthews

YES! SHE DID!

After years of fastidiously gathering intelligence and random shards of data about Dave Matthews, I have finally been given official permission to divulge the darkest secrets that I have toiled to uncover.

Those sleepless nights of research, harassing his friends and confidants with emails, tweets and old-timey telegrams, hoping to eek out even the smallest glimpse into the life, mind and (dare I say?) soul of Dave Matthews, it’s all finally ready to be revealed.

So, without further ado, I humbly and (somehow, also) with great pride present to the world, and specifically to the Pulitzer Prize jury who give out the award for investigative journalism, ten selected highlights of my findings:

1. Dave Matthews has three nipples. The third one is located on his shoulder.
2. While on tour, Dave Matthews likes to go into a local grocery store late at night and turn all of the cans of Spam upside down. He will also sometimes bring a tool kit and repair some wobbly-wheeled carts, as this helps calm him down after the heart-pounding exhilaration of the aforementioned Spam prank.
3. Dave Matthews has fifteen pet slugs. All of them are named Eloise, but he claims they can tell which one he’s talking to based on his vocal inflection.
4. Dave Matthews once wrote a song about a lobster that he ate. The upbeat-yet-remorseful tune was recorded in 2013, but the master tapes were destroyed when, in a cosmic bit of irony, they were accidentally doused in melted butter.
5. Dave Matthews once sued Jerry Seinfeld over the episode where George slept under his desk at work, claiming the idea was stolen from the title of his multi-platinum album “Under The Table and Dreaming”. They settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.
6. Dave Matthews has a rider in his touring contract that states the venue must place a bowl of M&Ms in the dressing room and that all of the brown, orange, red, green, yellow, and blue M&M’s must be removed, because he hates M&Ms.
7. Dave Matthews is the current world record holder for “Best Pronunciation of the word ‘Squirrel’”, but has never actually seen one.
8. Dave Matthews’ secret to his acting success: Before each scene he asks himself, “How would Walter Matthau say that line?”. Then he does the opposite.
9. Dave Matthews has spent an inordinate amount of time at his vineyards in Virginia trying to breed a vintage of grapes that taste like tacos. He’s recently gotten close, as the latest batch tastes quite like tortilla, but none of the other ingredients. He’s given himself until the end of 2020 to make it happen, after that he’ll just give up.
10. Dave Matthews has an uncontrollable fear: rolls of dimes. Any other rolled coin he finds hilarious, but dimes simply petrify him.

It feels so good to get these out into the world. And Dave, if you’re reading this, take some solace in knowing that the secrets are now out there in the open and there’s no need to be ashamed.

There’s also no need to sue me, right, friend? Buddy? Remember, this is all Jodi’s fault.