ALTAR

not-the-typical-holy-place-you-know

Today is one of the important days of my life. Not just a hype, I’m feeling because of an event I attended. It is more than the emotion, event, and myself. More than the words I heard nor the people I saw.

Today is about You.

Many times, I preached to myself that this life is not about me, me, me. Rather a life that is about You. Yet, I always failed to do so. I failed to live for You. I stumbled and sometimes I quit. Many times, I want to give up. But tonight is a different encounter with Him. He taught how to die to myself.

E M P T Y. That’s me before this night happened. I felt nothing again. It felt like there’s nothing to be happy nor to worry about. It felt that I gave too much of myself, then BANG, I am empty. I got no one to talk to about this. No one offered their ears to listen. No one offered their time to talk. I got afraid to ask for help because everyone seemed busy with their business. I’m afraid that they would just listen, but never to care.

I found myself broken. Broken not for God, but because I made the decision to be broken for other people. I offered myself to help them, but piece by piece it was me that needed such help. The actions I’ve done for them was the actions I want to feel.

I hide inside the emptiness and brokenness that I’m feeling. I made walls in my relationship with my family, friends, and mentors. I made them feel that I’m okay and that there’s nothing to worry. I’ve let my enemy to kill what God has done for me, to steal the joy that was always before me, and to destroy the future that was already sealed for me.

I tried humbling myself before God, but every day I failed and failed and failed. Until the time came that I’m tired. I tried to keep myself blameless and holy before the eyes of the Lord.

I am being renewed, refreshed, and redeemed. Not because of what I did. But because of His grace. His grace that assures me that when I am weak, He is strong.

Despite of my brokenness and emptiness He made sure that I would still run to His arms. Again, His hands are not too short not to save me, nor His ears too dull to hear. He told me that the enemy came (because I let the enemy to do so) to kill, steal, and destroy but He came to give me the life again. The life that’s supposed to bring glory and honor to Him.

In the emptiness I felt, He made me feel whole again. At the time of my brokenness, He made sure to restore what was stolen from me. I never felt this kind of acceptance and love until I turn to the One who accepted me despite of what I did to Him. He has disciplined me yet never scolded me. I never heard Him saying that He is tired of loving me. He never told me to fix my life first before coming to His feet. He just told me to surrender my life to Him. Because own my own, I can’t fix my life. Own my own, I’ll ruin my life again.

This night, I decided to build an Altar for Him. Offering myself to Him no matter how devastated my life is, I’m surrendering. He alone can fix this brokenness and emptiness in my heart and my soul.