Shifting Your Relationship With Gratitude

I’ve been a grateful person for as long as I can remember. Growing up, almost everything I needed was handed to me, and I felt the persistent need to be perfect or pretty damn close in order to deserve it all. Good behavior, good grades, the works — I tried to be everything at all times. The upside of that was the fact that while I was a spoiled little shit, at least I wasn’t spoiled rotten. I had everything I needed, but trying to be a perfect kid, I was usually very hesitant when it came to asking for the things I wanted.

I have this really clear memory of a time when I really wanted something but was scared to ask for it. My aunt and uncle took me to see the Cirque du Soleil show, La Nouba in Downtown Disney in Orlando, Florida. During the show there was a scene where these little kids performed amazing acrobatic tricks while using diabolos. Have you ever seen someone use a diabolo? It’s seriously cool, and after seeing it for myself, I wanted one so bad! I imagined how fun it would be to sling that thing around like the performers and eventually put on a little show for my family. Once I saw that they had diabolos for sale in the gift shop (where we’d obviously ended up afterwards), it was a wrap. I remember being super hesitant to ask for one, because they were pretty expensive and I was scared that my family would get mad that I actually had the audacity to ask at all, and proceed to tell me no. But somehow I gathered up my courage and tried my luck.

My uncle looked at me like I was crazy, but not for the reason I’d thought. He told me, of course you can have it, don’t be so scared to ask for something. I left the gift shop with the diabolo in tow, surprised but grateful to have a family like that. But being maybe 8 years old that the time, I probably played with that thing for 30 minutes tops. When I realized I didn’t have the patience to learn it, I never picked it up again and regretted that I made someone waste money on it. Back then, I didn’t know I wasn’t going to enjoy playing with it, I was just focused on how much fun I thought I’d have and be able to share.

The regret I felt afterwards instilled a subtle, but far reaching fear in me. Since that point in my life, I’ve been afraid to ask for or do things only to have them turn out poorly. I’ve played it safe in most areas of my life, passing up relationships and all kinds of opportunities because I was scared of fucking up what I already had. I didn’t want to shake up the content little life I had, already filled with so much privilege and so much to be thankful for.

I got gratitude confused with settling. Because of this complacency and underlying fear, I’ve shrunk myself and my dreams. I was living with a mentality of scarcity, like an old miser who’s afraid to spend his beloved money, as if he’d never be able to come across more, and lets life pass him by without ever really living it. I was that miser, but instead of dying alone with a wad of cash clenched to his chest, I was hoarding all my contentment and comfort. If only I knew sooner how much more I could have if I just wasn’t so scared of messing up everything. If only I knew I could reach for more and not crumble into worthlessness if things didn’t turn out the way I planned.

I had over- humbled myself back to that little girl who was ashamed of asking for something that didn’t turn out the way she imagined. Looking back, I can see that all this time I was focusing on the wrong part of the story. I should have been focusing on the of the part of me that built up the courage to ask for that damn toy because it was something that I believed would make myself and others happy. I’m no longer asking other people for things as much as I did as a child. But now its time to ask more of myself.

I’ve just begun to see how this little story developed into a metaphor for the bigger picture in my life. I’ve been so grateful for all the good things; my family, friends, memories and the fact that all of my basic needs are met. But I’ve been scared to ask of myself and the universe, for more. I’m coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing selfish or ungrateful to want to improve yourself, your finances, or the scope of your goals. Nowhere in the process of self improvement do you have to abandon your humility and gratitude to get what you want. You do however, need to shift your energy from a place of fear to a place of possibility.

My gratitude has lead to my complacency, but by recognizing this, I can reshape my relationship with it so that it directs me on a path to away from a mindset of scarcity and towards that of abundance. I am thinking of new ways not only to be grateful, but how to act on it and attract more things in life to be thankful for. I’ve realized that I shouldn’t allow my gratitude and fear keep me plateaued in my career, the development of my talents or personal goals. I can make more money, create more art, be healthier and strive to be better all around without abandoning my thankfulness.

If you’re completely satisfied with all you have, with where you’re at, and don’t feel the dire need to accomplish more, congratulations, that probably means you made it! But if you’re not at that place, if you’re unsatisfied, or itching for more but scared to scratch, listen up. Truth is, you’re going to have to scratch. You’re probably even going to have to dig. Dig deep into everything that makes you who you are until you hit the roots. Go back to that little kid who was so scared to ask for something you were so certain would make you and others happy. Go back to the beginnings and the branches of your fear. That’s when you’ll hit the good stuff, the stuff that can really help you become the best version of yourself.

You can’t know the outcome of every situation or every endeavor you undertake. You can’t know if you’re going to fail at something or if you’ll even like it until you actually do whatever it is you want to do. So let go of fear and let yourself be guided by gratitude, humility and the desire for more.