You Risk Everything When You Settle

My 25th birthday was one of the best days of my life.

Within 24 hours, I sailed to a Caribbean island with my best friends, swam in a waterfall, played on the beach. I ate amazing food and took shots of rum from a suspect bottle in a suspect roadside bar. (I think this is usually the best way to drink rum). And I was in fact drunk on it all. I was high on all those unforgettable moments.

And of course, just as soon as it started, my epic birthday trip ended. I lived for those brief moments of bliss and they were over. I would feel them again only on some pre-planned time in the distant future. As I traveled back home, I knew I was going back to a sober reality. I was going back to a tolerable, but dead end job as a server. Back to going through the motions of my days, waiting for my next pure dose of happiness.

I went back to the feeling of knowing I was creative, and had so much potential. But did nothing to make it serve a higher purpose. I went back to not having a purpose at all. This train of thought led me, in typical life crisis fashion, into a downward spiral of absolute shit. I stopped my workout routine and started eating copious amounts of junk food. I binge watched too many episodes of X-Files. I did anything I could to numb the pain I was feeling. It didn’t occur to me that to move on, I would have to examine the reasons why I was feeling so much hurt in the first place.

While all this inner restlessness was going down, it felt like in the back of my head, there was a dull murmur of a voice. It was telling me to quiet everything else and just listen. Looking back , the message was so clear and so simple: “Shut up and listen”. But this can be almost impossible when you’re 25 and feel like your life is falling apart around you.

These feelings went on. I ignored that voice inside me, the one that knew how to connect the dots, how to thrive and flourish. Instead of listening, I fought against the flow. I thought I found a solution to my problems in a dull but decent corporate job. I knew I was never going to be happy doing anything like that. It was easier than confronting my problems face on though.

So I applied for a career with a company that was excellent by normal standards. But by mine, it was horrible and went against my values and ethics, and my own intuition. As I found out more about the job, I realized I had about a 98.4% chance of fucking hating it. I continued my pursuit anyway. And as I did, the little voice in the back of my head grew louder.

I landed my first interview, and the second. The prospect of actually getting the job became real. This voice in me grew from a whisper to a battle cry. At one point, it was yelling, and it said loud and clear. “Listen up bitch, you’re never going to be happy if you waste your energy on bullshit like this.” (And yes, my inner voice cusses like a sailor; I need it sometimes.)

It was at that moment when I finally listened to my intuition, that I knew I wouldn’t compromise anymore. I knew I had what it took to speak my truth and live a vibrant, successful life. I knew I had talents and passions that could take me to the places I’d dreamed of. I knew I could shine, so I finally started believing it.

So at the last minute, I told my recruiter that I wouldn’t be able to go any further with the interview process. A weight had passed from my shoulders. I knew for sure that I’d no longer settle for living life on autopilot. For the temporary moments of bliss, just like the day of my 25th birthday. I wouldn’t settle for all the contradictions I’d built into my life.

Don’t get me wrong here. After I let that job opportunity go, I did feel crushed again, standing in the ground zero of my choices. But this time, it was different. Shit hit me in a different way. I knew how to get myself back together this time. By starting to trust in myself, I saw how I had sewn myself into a pattern of a life that just didn’t fit.

So now, here I am. Ripping up the seams of what never worked, and creating something that flows with who I am.

I understand now the dangers of not aligning your actions with your true self and desires. I understood the danger of settling. You risk everything when you do it. Settling meant dreaming up an amazing, lush life in my head, but doing nothing to make it a reality. The scary part is how easy it is to go through your whole life like that. Accepting less than what you want and deserve and are capable of manifesting. We live in a world that for the most part encourages this. The more I open my mind to all the opportunities that exist, the more I am capable of ushering them into my life.

So if you’re in crisis mode, and don’t like where you are in life, just breathe. Begin to trust in yourself and all that you’re capable of. You can change your mindset towards your goals. You are capable of incredible success. I believe this. 100%.

To read more of my writing, visit my blog at http://www.janessanikola.com/blog/