Should you do what we did (move to another country)?
In my articles here on Medium, I’ve been sharing our experience about moving to Spain and starting over with a brand new life. I could not be happier and have zero regrets about our decision (except for missing Texas BBQ). I’ve received many positive comments from people who’ve done the big move, whether to Spain or to another country. I’ve also received lots of comments from people who dream of doing something similar. Several have said I’m their inspiration.
I feel an obligation, therefore, to write this article because not everyone should do this. Not everyone who dreams of moving overseas is really cut out for it, and I don’t want to encourage those who will later regret their decision. Here are some things to consider before making such a big move.
Not everyone will be happy for you
Can you accept that you will probably lose friends and maybe even family over your decision? You must be okay with this.
When we announced we were retiring to Spain, there were wildly mixed reactions from friends and family. Some were as excited for me as I felt for myself. Others… not so much. One cousin responded to my family email with, “You’re making a fatal mistake.” When I replied and asked why, her response was, “A FATAL MISTAKE.” (Yes, she used all caps.) She never did clarify. We haven’t talked since.
More than a few friends accused me of running away instead of staying to help fight for America. Some even called me a traitor. First, I fought all those fights 40 years ago. I marched for women’s rights, gay rights, the environment, racial equality, and more. I stood on street corners asking people to sign petitions for all those things. I supported, with both time and money, candidates who said they would also fight for those things.
When we decided to move, I was 62. I’m tired of fighting. I just want to live out the rest of my life happy, content, and full of joy. That’s not too much to ask for. I have far fewer years left on this planet than I’ve already lived. I have every right for those years to be happy. And if it took moving over 5000 miles away from everything I’d ever known, so be it. Even after I explained all of this, not everyone understood. For some, my explanation only made them angrier.
If you’ve dreamed of making the kind of move we did, can you deal with others who are determined to throw water on your passion? It’s important to be able to ignore the naysayers.
The Debbie Downers will claim they mean well, or that they just care and worry about you, but that’s not true. Bottom line is that many people live with fear of the unknown, whether they realize it or not. It’s even got a name: crab bucket syndrome. They are scared of change so will do everything they can to stop you from changing. Change anyway, as long as you know the potential cost in relationships.
Give your personality type a serious analysis
We have an acquaintance (I’ll call her Peggy) who moved here and is miserable. She says she’s happy living in Spain, but she’s constantly angry and pisses someone off on a regular basis. Why? She can’t let go of her “Type A” mentality, lifestyle, and expectations.
Peggy worked in a very high-paced, demanding, “I need it exactly this way and I need it right now” career. The mañana mindset and easier going lifestyle here drives her to distraction. She gets in arguments in parking lots and stores because she can’t just let things go. She ends up angry and frustrated and surrounded by people who are angry and frustrated at her.
We have other friends who moved here only to discover that one of them loved it and the other was miserable. He was happy for the quieter lifestyle and new adventures. She didn’t want to try anything new at all and instead complained about all the things she missed. They ended up returning to the US. Their failed experiment in retiring overseas cost them a lot of money.
If you love adventure, find learning and trying new things to be stimulating and exciting, know how to have patience when things don’t go your way, are adaptable and flexible, and are generally an easy-going person, you’ll do fine. If you want your American-paced lifestyle and expectations in Spain (or the country of your choice), however, you may want to have a rethink about moving.
Can you really let go?
Most people have a lot of stuff. We certainly did. While it is possible to move to another country and take everything you own, it is expensive and can restrict your options of a new home.
It’s important to consider if you are willing to pay the cost to bring everything along or if you have the emotional strength to purge, purge, purge. Can you leave behind your collection of 500 salt and pepper shakers, 200 pairs of shoes, 5 sets of dishes, oversized bedroom or living room set, etc? Can you pare down and be happy?
Letting go applies to people, too. Even people who are happy for you might end up drifting out of your life. Geographical distance, lifestyle, daily experiences, even things like differences in TV shows and restaurants, can slowly drive a wedge in communication. Not always, but you must be willing to accept that it might (probably will) happen. Out of all the friends I had in Texas (not that I was overflowing with friends), I have kept in touch with one. She has not come to see me (and Covid only accounts for part of that), although she says she is planning to come in the spring of 2022.
Can you be happy alone while you build a new social circle?
Most countries welcome expats, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be invited to the homes of locals and welcomed into their inner circles. You’ll likely start out lonely in your new chosen country unless you already know people when you move there (we only knew our realtor). It takes time to meet others and forge new friendships (usually with other expats) especially if you don’t move to an area with a large expat population.
Of course, feeling lonely can happen even when moving from one city to another in the same state, but it’s more pronounced when the change involves a whole new country. There are customs differences and language barriers that make it harder from the start. It can be more difficult to find places to meet people. Facebook can be a big help, because almost every city/community has a dedicated page or group. But it still takes time.
Can you be happy exploring on your own (or with just your partner) and entertaining yourself (or yourselves) for months or perhaps even a year?
I was painfully lonely for the first year. It was, in fact, exactly our one-year anniversary in Spain when we met our now-dear-friend Joanne. She helped build a small group that we call The Gang Who Get Together. We meet a couple of times a month for dinner, a concert, a festival, or other fun activity. It’s made a huge difference in how settled and happy I feel. They are my dear friends and my chosen family. Life is all the better with them in my world. That first year, though, there were nights when I cried from loneliness.
Moving to a new country, giving up everything and everyone you’ve ever known, starting over, learning a new language, even navigating new stores and doctors, can be daunting. It’s not for everyone. It can also be exhilarating, enriching, exciting, educational, rewarding, satisfying, and a bunch of other positive words. If you’re really up for the challenge, and you don’t care what other people say about it, then come on over! We’d love to have you join us.
