It’s just not fair
As I posted on twitter this morning;
It was a lyric from Mama Said by the Shirelles. Judge me all you want, it’s a catchy and uplifting song.
Much as I know the song rather well, it was just a single lyric that kept cycling in my head:
And then she said someone will look at me
like I’m looking at you one day,
then I might find
I don’t want it any old way,
Okay, I know that was a lot of embedding for an opening paragraph, so let’s break this down a little. My relationship ended because I was in a place and with a woman that made all kinds of heretofore unthinkable commitments seem like a natural evolution of our relationship. She, on the other hand and despite how much she loved me, continued to block that evolution — feeling she hadn’t quite achieved a level of independence necessary in her life before making that kind of commitment. This following a long-term common-law marriage and an extended period living with her family. So far, so fair*.
Anyway, I guess this lyric stuck in my head because that’s basically what I was waiting for in the relationship — I was waiting for the commitment of breadth of feeling I felt for her to be mirrored back at me. Now that the relationship has ended**, it’s one of the things I’m hanging on to to help me push through the regret. It’s like those moments in 500 Days of Summer; when they first break up, all he can thing of are the good times and the nice memories. Later, as he starts to get over her, he starts to remember the shittier stuff. The girl I lost is still literally the only girl I’ve ever met who I could imagine marrying and having a life with (as an adult and with an awareness of what that means), but I’m under no superstitious illusion that she’s perfect, nor that she’s The One. That helps.
As to where I am right now; I’ve really got his idea of a shared future and of long-term commitment stuck in my head. Frankly, I can’t imagine doing all that again — building the trust, the mythology and language of a relationship. I can’t imagine getting to this point again, even assuming I meet another woman I gel with a fraction as much.
I can’t imagine it, but intellectually, I’m sure it’ll happen. I’m not unattractive, nor uncharming. I meet people, and I have deep and strong friendships. I’m sure I’ll fall in love again. As it is though, all I think is just how fucking unfair it is.
Thanks for reading. Hopefully someday soon, I’ll be able to bring one of these morose blogs to a more satisfying conclusion. Wish me luck.
*On a personal level, that is. If I believed in any kind of cosmic personality, it would be much more difficult to give up the 6-year-old’s matra of “it’s not fair!”
**Unrelatistic optimism aside.