Memoirs of a Gay, Shhh: Short Stories From My Life — Story 1 of 14.

Jared Richards
Jul 22, 2017 · 4 min read

Disclaimer* All stories told here are true, but, I’ve changed names for privacy.

That time we were underage and my friend got too drunk at a concert.

June 2010.

“Jared, wake up, we have to get to the concert!” I heard Kate say subconsciously as I began to wake up. I crawled out of bed, got some water. and got dressed for the concert. I sarcastically stated “Kate, I don’t even like these bands, I only want to see Coheed and Cambria. This better be worth it. Oh, and we have to go pick up Emily. “WHAT? Emily is coming? No fucking way! WHY?” Kate shouted angrily as I told her. “Because you are bringing Bianca, and besides, Emily definitely knows how to have fun!” We loaded up the car with supplies for the day and drove to get Emily first, and then Bianca, and then we got onto the interstate.

The drive was pretty standard, we put on some music and began singing along. I had made about 200 jello shots, and there was also a full half gallon of cheap vodka. Emily had taken it upon herself to start drinking it, and mind you, it was only 8 in the morning. Emily, slow down on that vodka, it’s early, and that has to last us all day, I said with an attitude toward her. She just laughed and replied “shut the fuck up it’s my first concert and I’m ready to party.” Kate rolled her eyes in a way that you could just tell meant“what did I get myself into”, I looked at her, and in that moment we both knew what we were thinking, and at how interesting today was going to be.

Shockingly there was no traffic in Chicago, and we got to the concert venue way too early, so instead we parked in the parking lot of a Target and PetSmart and just decided to start drinking in the car. We all became drunk pretty quickly and it was getting hot in the car so we decided to go rummage around inside PetSmart to look at the animals and such. Kate approached me and said “Jared, come with me to the bathroom NOW.” I replied “oh my goodness Kate, you can’t do anything by yourself.” So we get in the bathroom, and Kate busts up laughing and says “Dude, it’s so hot my panties are sticking to my cooter and I can’t spend the rest of the day like this.“

I began to laugh so hard they could probably hear us anywhere in the store. I told her to take it off. So she went into the stall to take her underwear off, and she came back out to throw it away. There was no garbage can, so instead, she just stuffs it down into the toilet paper seat cover holder. We laughed extremely hard as we walked out. It was ratchet, disgusting and hilarious. We found Bianca who seemed slightly annoyed with Emily, and we grabbed a quick bite to eat and then finally were able to enter the concert venue. By this point, Emily was extremely drunk, and it was only 11am.

We found our spot in the lawn, and suddenly some music came on the speakers while they were testing out the sound system. It was that awful song “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor.” Kate and I both let out a heavy sigh, as we look to our right and see Emily get up from the ground and begin to thrash herself around and scream loudly to the song. She was in an American flag bikini top and cut off denim shorts. A true daisy duke American Woman.

All eyes were on us as Emily continued her awful ensemble. Not missing a beat to the song. She would slam her upper body down, and her hair would flop. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, she screamed, as the entire world stared at us while laughing. Could today get any worse? The song ended, and would later end up in several youtube videos which to this day I still watch. I spoke too soon. Here comes John. John was a creepy older guy that liked to party and kind of always clung around Emily. Kate said “Oh fuck, what is he doing here?” He walked up and grabbed Emily by the ass, and they kissed, and then sat down. Eventually Emily was like “I’m going to find a mosh pit” and left and spent the rest of the concert with John and away from us.

I can not handle this day, seriously. The concert began and it was awful band after awful band. It rained, it sucked, none of the shows were good. I slipped down a wet hill and broke my flip flop, we finally found Emily after forever, all got in the car, and drove home wet and covered in shame from that awful day.

The next day Kate and I went back into Chicago for a street festival.

Jared Richards

Written by

Jared is a music and politics snob living in Orlando, Florida.

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