Memoirs of a Gay, Shhh: Short Stories From My Life — Story 2 of 14.
Disclaimer* All stories told here are true, but, I’ve changed names for privacy.

That Time We Beat Someone With A Big Blue Dildo.
December 2013.
We all have a best friend that is always happy go lucky, proper, well educated, refuses to put beer in her purse and is crazy in the best way possible. Mine is Anne, and I love her to death. She called me up and invited me out, because she knew I was in my lush phase and I’d happily come to the bar. She wanted to go so that she could see the guy she was crushing on. Of course I was in, little did I know this would a night we’d never forget.
We arrived at the bar and everything was fine and dandy, just hanging out, drinking, the usual. The guy Anne was crushing on, we will call him Mark, was starting to get extremely tipsy, and there was another guy starting to pick a fight with him so we had to break it up. Several white-trash women came and also tried to break up the fight and one of them was rude, but asked us to hold her case of beer (the bar was closing and so she’d bought some to go). While we were holding the beer, we decided that since she was a bitch we were going to put half of it in Anne’s purse. Anyway.
Anne and I finally get Mark to agree to leave, and we all walked outside so that we could get in the car. The next thing you know, the guy that was trying to fight him comes outside and they get into it. Mark slammed him on the ground and was punching him in the face. We break it up again and make him get in Anne’s car, and it’s starting to snow hard at this point, so we just wanted to get back to her apartment, so Mark just got in and left his truck there at the bar.
We got into Anne’s and it was nice and warm and we all started watching something funny on TV. Anne is one of those girls on facebook that is always selling something, and so in her apartment she has a bunch of leftover supplies from these pyramid scheme sale businesses, such as the Organo Gold Coffee, Beach Body, and Sex Toys. We were talking about all of her businesses and laughing and she was telling us how she use to sell toys at sex toy parties. She went into her room and brought back out this massive big blue dildo and was wiggling it. We all laughed and then she set it on the table and we forgot about it.
After a while, we were all ready for bed and Mark kept arguing with Anne because he wanted to sleep on the couch but that is where she sleeps, and I was sleeping on the other couch, so he was to take the bed. He wasn’t having it and so just to shut him up Anne grabbed the big blue dildo and jokingly hit him with it. I was crying laughing and she was like “want to try” and of course I did. You all know you’ve dreamt of smacking someone in the head with a huge dildo like in Grand Theft Auto.
Mark did not find it funny. He said he was going out for a cigarette, and we believed him because it was literally a blizzard outside. He didn’t come back in. He walked 5 miles in a blizzard back to his truck and we didn’t see him for three years after that.
The next morning, Anne and I were hungover and so we needed some greasy food. We went to McDonalds and thought it would be hilarious to do the classic “you guys messed up our order” trick and try to get free food. It worked, and so we gave a made up name to the drive thru worker just in case. We got to the next window and it turns out we actually knew the woman working the drive thru and she looked at us harshly and said “you aren’t who you said you are” and judged the fuck out of us. It was quite possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. We got our food and laughed so hard as we drove away and decided we were never going to try that ever again.
After that, it was business as usual for the next few weeks.
