The things I endure for Beyoncé: 2016 VMA recap.

The 2016 VMAS were supposed to be a night dedicated to Robyn Fenty’s artistry, and boasted the “long awaited” return of Britney Spears. Alas, a tall drink of Beyoncé had other plans for how this story would play out.

There was a time, in the not too distant past, where I used to revel in the creative concepts of music videos. Now, I cannot confidently tell you the last video I actually watched in its entirety *cough* Lemonade. To my knowledge the VMAS still stand for Video Music Award Show, and MTV still must play these on some mythical time slot that I’ve yet to discover. But I digress.

After watching this years VMAS, I noticed several things:

1) I now suffer from damaged hearing. It’s safe to say that I’ll need to get my hearing checked after watching this program. Every commentator decided that talking in the mic meant yelling AS LOUD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. At one point I placed my tv on mute and pretty sure I could hear the words coming from the screen.

2) I’ll need to incorporate a robust diet of air and ice cubes for summer 2017. After watching the premiere of Kanye’s FADE, Teyana Taylor is now the epitome of #BodyGoals for a vast majority of people. After having her first child, she has snapped back in ways that can only be justified by witchcraft. What deity do I have to sacrifice a goat to, in order to get an ass like hers?

3) What exactly did Yeezy teach you? I was awaiting some passionate rant on the current status of our society and for this man to piss off an entire race, but all I got was an unscripted rant littered with every variation of the word “bro” you could think of. The only person in the audience that didn’t suffer from confusion was Kim, and I feel that was a combination of marital obligation and lack of understanding. I’ll wager for the latter.

4) I stand firm in the belief that Kim Kardashian makes entirely too much money to ever leave her house with wet hair. You’re telling me she intended to rock the wet dog look on purpose? I call lies and fallacies.

5) Robyn Fenty, better known as Rihanna, was this years Video Vanguard award recipient. This honor usually is coupled with artists displaying their body of work in creative ways that entice and remind you why you fell in love with their music. Fenty decided to open the show with what imagine a Cam’ron house party to look like. It was like one big AKA convention conveniently placed on stage. Her second performance has now sent me on the hunt for a place to duty whine with 100 of my closest friends and countrymen. The third performance reminded us why we enjoy Rihanna and that she actually has legitimate hits. By her final performance the sky was the limits, and one would think dreams could come true and anything would be possible. If only she had touched the hem of beyonces garment, maybe we would have been overwhelmed instead of just whelmed by her final act. Overall the show depicted how much she has grown as an artist, but reminded me that live singing still isn’t her ministry.

6) Britney’s performance was reminiscent of the lip sync elimination round on RuPauls Drag Race. In case you were wondering, Ru would’ve told Britney to sashay away. In her defense, besides her delivering Christ the redeemer on stage, there’s no way she could’ve topped Beyoncé’s experience. MTV set her up for failure.

7) WHO do I have to petition to make it law that Key and Peele are never allowed on my TV again?

8) Beyoncé has no respect, and I’m perfectly ok with that. This was to be a night highlighting Rihanna’s musical achievements and the return of “Britney BITCH”. But we all know what we came here for. As soon as she took the stage, I was ready to offer my edges as tribute and prepared myself for an experience, and I got just that. Instead of performing one song, this woman got on stage and performed the entire Lemonade track list, with prose to match. This is a true testament of her philanthropic nature to those fans who weren’t fortunate to attend her concert. After this performance, I now proudly walk around like a victim of alopecia and I’m perfectly ok fine with this being fact.

All in all, the 2016 VMAS could have been made into a nice Monday morning newsletter and they could’ve made this entire show about Beyoncé and no one would’ve complained.

Post Script:

The new #RelationshipGoal is to have someone look at me the way wheelchair jimmy looks at Rihanna, Nicki, and Serena.