Assertion Conjunct Fear
People Pleasing Kills
Mars attacks! The planet of action, aggression, going for what’s yours with no fear or restraint. FEAR: FOCUSED EVERYDAY AROUND RIDICULOUSNESS. Ridiculousness regarding what people “think”. People pleasing and popularity vs rebellious individualism. That has been the internal struggle and fight since childhood.
Strong in presence, in the physical exterior but extremely sensitive and take everything personal, to heart, deep down in the spirit. The problem is, I carry that. I walk around with that obsession of always looking around and listening for inflections, tones, clues that someone or something just doesn’t “get me”. Always placing my self-confidence, my boldness in the power of “other”.
A strong, very strong part of me knows I have gifts, special gifts that set me apart from the “rest”. Own that. Walk in that. Stand strong within that, no matter what room, what circle, what sphere I’m in. This is the struggle. Feeling like creativity has tapped you on your cerebellum since you were born and trying to walk in that calling naturally without needing “applause” is difficult for me.
Music. I’ve read and heard and seen that many with the musical gift are deeply insecure somewhere inside. My insecurity regarding my creative calling lies within the personal. That 4th house; family and close intimate friends. There is always power,struggle, jealousy, possessiveness and fear tied to shedding my layers and truly being comfortable in the woman I am, most specifically the musical woman I am.
This FEAR is ridiculous. It’s toxic. I harbor and nurse the toxins that want to yell out, show out, then analyze and critique if my persona, my voice, my being has moved you in a positive way. I’m always fretting over the “other” and their perception of me and my creative gifts.
What does the “other” think?
What will the “other” say?
“Others” are better than me.
These thoughts come out in baffling, defensive, sensitive behavior with oscillating emotions that leave even the happily bi-polar breathless; however I am more than sure the emotions, the sensitivity, the rebellion, the right to be the individual you can’t quite explain or describe but you never forget is my birthright. Walking tall and strong within that, without looking for the approval and the nod from “other” but reaching for the nod within myself is the journey I am on. The boat is rocky but dammit we’re getting to dry land.
Releasing and sharing gifts, specifically creative gifts, with others freely, opens one up to many vulnerabilities and insecurities buried deep within. They are coming up from the gut and slapping me in my face, then laughing HARD. I think I’m going to join in and be the baaad ass singer who gets the last laugh.
Let’s take it to the stage, Insecurity………..you about to get your ass whopped!