Darkness in a Happy Place: Depression in Esports
It’s not often I tackle topics where I am genuinely unsure where to begin a conversation or an article. This is one of the rare exceptions. Frankly, I am concerned I’m unqualified to navigate these waters but have decided to push away from the shore regardless. The more attention we can get to the topic of depression the better. If I can help one single person by sharing some thoughts and encouragement, then it’s absolutely worth the effort. Please know that I am not a physician or therapist. I’m simply a person willing to share and hopefully shine some light.
One of the cool things about the esports space is we are, by nature, early adopters and tech trend setters. Long before Twitter was mainstream it had already been integrated into our community. In general, social media has been the life blood of competitive gaming since the days of IRC. It keeps us up to date. It educates us. It makes us laugh. Many young fans of esports will never know what it was like not knowing what your friends ate for dinner or being graced with a constant barrage of happy selfies.
However, despite the benefits of our digital world, I often fear we’re deceiving ourselves. We’re unintentionally creating false stories, incomplete pictures and perpetuating half-truths. A casual glance at a Facebook news feed suggests everyone in the global esports community is thrilled with life, living their dreams and skipping through time whistling a joyous tune. Isn’t that the way it should be? I mean, gaming is built on a backbone of fun and entertainment. Competitive gaming should be a place of sunshine, birds singing and Mary Poppins, right? Airport selfies, high fives and shiny trophies are the normal lives of those of us dedicated to esports, right? Right?
In my opinion, the fact esports is generally a happy place has made it harder to discuss the dark topic of depression. It’s hard for sufferers of the condition to reach out for honest help and support when it appears everyone else is doing just great. Obviously, depression isn’t limited to the gaming space but I wonder if it’s harder to discuss such things here. It can be difficult to be transparent in such a happy place because it makes you feel like you’re pissing on Mickey’s foot while everyone else is enjoying Disneyland. If all other people are so happy, what’s wrong with me? Why isn’t my genuine, secret, real life Twitter feed as positive and joyous as I feel it should be?
The honest truth is depression is a real issue in esports. I have personally spoken to many people whose social media is rainbows and sunshine but privately they are in a desperate struggle for their very lives. Quite frankly, and being very transparent, I have personally struggled with serious depression from time to time. Part of my personal struggle is genetic. Depression has been no stranger to my family tree. There have been periods in my life where the clouds were so thick and the weight so heavy that I could barely crawl out of bed in the morning. Each day was a trial and even thinking clearly was a challenge. Food didn’t taste good. Laughter was faked. Success was shrugged off because enjoyment of it was elusive. Like many candid friends I’ve spoken with, I’ve spent parts of my esports career in the deep pit of suffocating depression. It’s just not something I’ve previously chosen to share. Leaders in our society are not encouraged to be transparent about such things. We’re expected to be strong and any sign of weakness (especially among ‘alpha males’) is to be avoided at all costs. Well, friends, I’m here to say that I haven’t always been doing well. I’ve suffered in silence because I felt it was what I had to do to push forward my own esports dream. Today I am in a really great place and depression hasn’t stalked me for quite some time. However, I know some people in esports are not. I know just reading this will draw a tear from the eyes of some. I want you to know you’re not alone. I’m genuinely desperate to make you understand that you aren’t broken and you can get through this. Just because you are involved in the happy esports space doesn’t mean you’re always going to be happy, and that is absolutely fine. Don’t suffer in silence. Reach out to people you trust. Get a good therapist in the same manner you’d find a good doctor if you hurt your body. Most importantly, don’t believe the lie that nobody cares. People do care.
I had originally planned on sharing some of my ideas on alleviating depression but there are plenty of resources out there for such things. Also, they are better discussed with a qualified, caring therapist. My goal today is to shed light on the topic for #WorldMentalHealthDay. Depression is very real in esports. Together, through compassion and kindness we can support each other and shine millions of lights into the darkness. It’s a great thing that esports is a happy place. It absolutely should be. It’s fantastic that our Twitter feeds are positive places full of good news and joy. They absolutely should be. Let’s just not deceive ourselves into believing it’s always OK for everyone. Let’s open our eyes and be aware there are most likely people in our friends list who could use a shoulder to lean on. Let’s be acutely aware of it and have the human decency to give a damn and the courage to love someone in need.
Together we can, and will, make a difference in our esports community.
May God bless you and your family.
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