40/40 CLUB : FORTY THINGS I’VE LEARNED AT FORTY

When 2020, equals 40.

image : Allen Daniel

‘we wasn’t supposed to make it past twenty-five…’

…as the child-chorus goes. I can say with genuine chagrin that I had no inkling I would see a 40th birthday. I didn’t even know what that would look like. The only references to this age marker were: a) when someone would mention their ne’er do well uncle (still) living in their granny’s basement, or b) The 40 Year Old Virgin. oy.

It just seemed like an age of exasperation & failure. And for the past three months, I’ve been haunted by this irrational fear that the clock will strike midnight on my fortieth turn, and suddenly I’ll transform into a disenfranchised defeatist watching Everest College commercials in a basement somewhere, wistfully daydreaming on all that could-have-been.

But here I am.

Healthy. Flourishing. Mentally well. Emotionally intelligent. Incredibly fortunate. Immeasurably graceful. Overflowing with joy + excitement for quite literally every. waking. moment.

This, is what my fortieth year feels like.

And here are forty things that I’ve learned on my journey to arrive here.

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• ‘Have more than you show. Speak less than you know.’ Keep your passion intact, but your ego in check. Those who arrive with questions leave with more than those who arrive with answers.
• People really do remember how you made them feel. Be as genuine as possible, + do your best to honour people. Be present. Be kind. Leave a golden wake.
• Receiving is a muscle. Mine could be stronger. #workingonit (cue J.Dilla)
• You don’t get to have the monopoly on kindness or generosity. You don’t always have to pay, or do, or show all the time. Release the need to constantly be the giver. Give someone else the chance to feel how nice giving feels, by being a gracious receiver. That’s all we really want.
• When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change into answers. Be sure you’re asking the right questions.
• You can be powered by love in infinitely deeper ways than being powered by your own darkness. Daily practice.
• ‘Have tea with your demons’. h/t Yumi Sakugawa. Ask them what they need. Offer them cake. ‘We never lose our demons. We only learn to live above them.’ — The Ancient One
• Giving is a two way street. Receiving makes you a better giver. Giving makes you a better receiver. See above re: monopoly. It’s a cycle.
• ‘Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.’ Being open is a superpower.
• There’s nothing new under the sun. What is new, is your interpretation. Run with it.

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• ‘You only fear writing because it exposes you.’ Write anyway. Write more. Writing is how you turn culture into canon, and exposure into equanimity.
• Knowing is Far different from Doing. We can intellectualise all the things. Power is in application.
• Don’t make assumptions. Be impeccable with your word. Always do your best. Don’t take things personally. The Four Agreements. Apply hourly.
• Read ‘The Alchemist’. Annually.
• Your triggers will set you free. If you let them. Let them guide you to what’s really behind them.
• Many of your ‘principles’ are actually just really strong preferences. Ease up. Sit down.
• The stronger the love, strengthen the accountability. The stronger the accountability, strengthen the love. This applies to so many people, circumstances, situations. Apply equally.
• ‘Not all things feel like something else.’ Context isn’t always key. Some things just are what they are.
• Compliments are affirmations; for both you + the giver. Receive them with grace, for the benefit of both.
• I am not the father I wanted to be. I am still valid as a person. I am still worthy to be loved. My life still matters. I am allowed, to be happy.

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• I am allowed, to be happy.
• I am allowed, to be happy.
• Guilt is ‘I did a bad thing’. Shame is ‘I AM the bad thing’. Brené Brown. Mind the gap.
• Crushes are irrational. Have them anyway. They help identify what resonates with you. So you can recognize it with more clarity when it appears in your life, authentically.
• There are at least seven different types of love. Storge, Ludus, Philia, Eros, Philautia, Pragma, Agape. Learn which is which, to maintain clarity.
• Read more James Baldwin.
• Children do not care about your feelings. Love them anyway.
• Your mother has a complicated human story. Learning it can help set you free, too.
• Your children are not ‘present’ versions of ‘past’ you; there is nothing in them to ‘fix’. Let them be who they will be, not who you’re afraid they’ll become (i.e. you).
• Be kind with yourself.

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• Set clear boundaries. As an OS or training of how you operate, not as a wall.
• Solitude is very different than isolation. Retreating is not the same as restoration. Be aware of avoidance.
• Allow yourself to be loved. Romantically. Intimately. Abundantly.
• Keep believing in people. Regardless. People are all we’ve got.
• Resting is not laziness, prioritizing your self is not selfish, no one is coming to get you. You are safe.
• Breathe.
• ‘Equal rights for others does not mean less rights for you. It’s not pie.’ Learn about your own spaces of privilege or hightened visibility. Then be the ally to other voices or stories that haven’t been heard as loudly as yours. Amplify. Once more for the people walking out…
• Own your truth. No one can make you feel bad about what you’ve already claimed as yours. See : 8 Mile.
• Let people celebrate your life. Birthdays. Today. Tomorrow. Often.
• Just keep living. Family mantra. Thanks Granny. Rest in peace. Thanks Ma.

Jason E.C. Wright is an essayist + Founder of Burntsienna Research Society. His 11 August birthdate balances his Leo sun with an ascendant Aquarius + moon in Virgo. He enjoys his own solitude, but will always make a point to celebrate others where he can. His introductions of his friends are legendary, + he recently returned to social media after a two year hiatus. @jasonecwright