How to Terminate Head Lice

Step 1: Remove & Neutralize

Shave everyone’s head, even if only one member or a select few members of the household have head lice. Collect all of the cut hair and place it in a mixer, blending the contents on the highest setting to chop any and all lice into microscopic bits, insuring their demise, or at the very least, disorienting them.

Note: Do not feel bad for torturing—perhaps even liquefying—the lice since they are dizzy, even paralyzed by fear from spinning so rapidly.

Extract the hair and lice remnants from the blender and place it in a microwave-safe bowl. Microwave for one minute on high, causing any remaining — and perhaps living — nits and lice to explode in the manner of that awesome kitchen scene from Joe Dante’s 1984 movie Gremlins.

Step 2: Poison

Apply over-the-counter lice treatment(s) to the scalp of each family member as directed, cleaning, scraping, and rinsing until any nits, nymphs, and adult lice not removed during Step 1 are thoroughly intoxicated and terminated with extreme prejudice, then removed from the head. Lice and nits scraped off should be wiped onto a disposable paper towel.

Step 3: Notify

Let friends, family, and neighbors, as well as co-workers and your children’s school, know about your lice infestation, so they can perform inspections themselves. Speak to others in person about the matter, but if you insist on calling or texting them, use a prepaid cell phone.

Step 4: Dispose

Collect all of the treatment materials from Steps 1 and 2, as well as any prepaid mobile phone(s) from Step 3. Place everything in a large plastic tub, cover it in sulfuric acid and nuclear waste, and lock the tub closed.

Optional: Once in the tub, you may shoot everything with a hand-held electro-gun or microwave emitter, with at least 90,000 volts of electricity. If you shock the blender(s), microwave(s), and phone(s) during this phase, make sure they are unplugged. Electrify everything before pouring the acid and nuclear waste into the tub.

Bury the tub(s) in the backyard. Note the burial location to avoid these future mishaps:

• Planting trees or shrubbery in that area
• Burying any family pets nearby, since they could come back to life in a mutated form
• Playing on Wham-O’s Slip ‘N Slide there

Step 5: Clean

Wash clothing, hats, bedding, and towels on the highest heat possible, and dry them on extra high heat for at least 30 minutes. Use bleach as directed. Once everything has been washed and dried, shoot it with a disintegration ray set to maximum.

Take your washer and drier to the garage, and disintegrate them, along with any hampers, laundry baskets, or other containers used to haul the clean or dirty clothes to and from the wash. Scoop up the powdery residue leftover, pour it into an old coffee can, or other container, and disintegrate it on ultra.

Stuffed animals (also called lovies) not intended for washing should be disintegrated on low. This will make the stuffed animals stiff and charred black, appearing as if they were sculpted out of a fine espresso powder — only it won’t smell like coffee, but rather, like burnt bologna.

Note: Do not be surprised when the delicately crisped love sculptures become dust in the manner of Claudia collapsing into ash when Louis encounters her remains in Interview with a Vampire.

IMPORTANT: If your child begins crying at the sight of their powdered lovie, and you think handing your child the disintegrator ray will be a good toy to comfort them, be prepared to get disintegrated yourself.

All leftover powder from disintegration should be wiped up, sealed in an envelope, and thrown into magma.

Some over the counter sprays are intended to treat bedding, as well as upholstery in cars and on car seats, and other things that are not washable, or not easily washed. After materials have been sprayed to treat for lice, allow adequate time for the spray to dry, then douse everything in gasoline and set it ablaze, ideally outdoors.

Note: Car seats and car upholstery should be removed from cars before burning.

IMPORTANT: Do not allow children to roast marshmallows over the fire.

Step 6: Relax & Repeat

After shaving heads, treating scalps, washing clothes, as well as blending, microwaving, digging, burying, disintegrating, liquefying, and torching for hours and hours, not to mention finding and then standing near red-hot magma, you might feel like taking a break and watching some television.

Before you relax on the sofa, take it to the backyard and throw it into the fire-pit created in Step 5.

If you have carpeted floors or throw rugs, take them outside and burn them too. Then plop yourself on the floor, and enjoy a show.

Continue checking all members of the household daily for 14 days, repeating Steps 1, 2, 4, and 5 if lice or nits are found.

(Optional) Step 7: Prescription

If any nits or lice are found on the 15th day, consult your doctor, who can prescribe a special shampoo to safely and effectively take care of the head lice for good.