Hamburger Helper

Tell me this is a joke.

Campbell’s Homestyle Italian-Style Wedding Soup

I don’t recognize any of the ingredients listed, so you can pretty much forget about it.

Kraft Grated Parmesan Cheese

I don’t know what the hell that is, Jason, but it’s not cheese, I’ll tell you that much.

Olive Garden

If you take me to this godforsaken place ever again — EVER! — I’ll disown you and your brothers. I mean it!

Domino’s Pizza

Not enough cheese, not much of a crust. Just tasteless. The box it came in probably has more flavor, I mean, my god, look at all of the oil it’s absorbed!

Red Baron Frozen Pizza

A combination of something I might find at a Taco Bell and in Little Italy: a tortilla topped with ketchup and something pretending to be cheese. You actually bought this? Have some respect for yourself.

Valentino’s Pizza

Their pies have just the right balance of not giving and a shit. And who are they kidding? A buffet? Oh, please.

Eclair, Safeway Bakery

Interesting. This should be light and fluffy, with a rich, creamy center, but instead, it’s so heavy with oil that it’s probably flammable. Would make a great votive candle.

Cannoli, Albertson’s Bakery

The texture of Golden Grahams breakfast cereal and the flavor of packing peanuts. If they would have gotten it the other way around, it would have been somewhat enjoyable. But that’s asking too much.

Runza

Not bad. Not good either, but not bad.