Thanksgiving Discussion Topics (or Let’s Avoid Talking About Politics During the Holidays Because It Usually Leads to Frustration and Arguments!)


Coffee/Aftershave

  • Why does grandpa’s aftershave sometimes smell like day-old coffee? Is that because it is just that: day-old coffee he spilled on himself yesterday, or many days ago?

Apple Watch, Technology, Cold Season

  • If great-grandma owned an Apple Watch, would she put Kleenex® facial tissue underneath its band just like she does with her Timex? If so, would that be adorable or gross, and why? Moreover, what would Chief Design Officer of Apple, Jony Ive have to say about Kleenex under the Apple Watch?

Decor

  • What exactly are charger plates, and does anybody besides the person who knows what they are really give a shit?
  • How many candles are too many candles, especially if they make the house smell like a cooked turkey doused in Chanel №5 and rolled through pine trees, with a slight hint of that nut mix your aunt brought for everyone to snack on?
  • Twizzlers: actual candy, or candles posing as candy? And if lit, would Twizzlers smell better or worse than that perfumed turkey odor?

Emergency Subject Changers for Avoiding Politics During Dessert

  • The following work best when they’re spoken out loud just as somebody begins talking about politics. Be sure to raise your voice a tad — don’t yell, but do sound enthusiastic. Note: You don’t necessarily need to have tasted the dessert yet.
  • “I can’t stop eating this apple pie, it’s like I’m possessed by something unholy.”
  • “Chocolate pie is the devil!”
  • “Is it a sin to love this pumpkin pie? Because I have to say, I love this pumpkin pie.”
  • “Oh, Lord, help me! Have mercy on my soul! I can’t stop eating, I’m addicted to this goddamned pecan pie!”

Language, Food

  • Is pecan in pecan pie pronounced (pee-can) or (peh-khan)?
  • Is it syrup as in (see-ruhp) or (sur-up)?
  • Why does gravy look just like it sounds?

Attire

  • How late into the day after Thanksgiving, also known as Black Friday, is it acceptable to wear a bathrobe? After 12pm? After 5pm? And what can we do to motivate dad, as well as the uncles and grandpas to really get dressed and take life seriously that day?

Eating Out, Thanksgiving Weekend Plans

  • How many packets of sugar or artificial sweetener are okay for grandma to stuff into her purse at the diner, and how do we tell her to stop nicely if she goes beyond that number?
  • When grandpa puts leftover food in a napkin, and tucks it into his pocket, should we make eye contact with him? Why or why not?
  • Is it okay to order dessert and eat all of the dessert, although you didn’t finish eating your main course, the remains of which are slowly getting cold — or warm — in grandpa’s pocket?

Cooks, Entertaining

  • Who’s more entertaining? Anthony Bourdain or Emeril Lagasse (or any other real life cook) versus a pretend cook, the Swedish Chef from the Muppets? Rate their appearances on television, and why which one is better at what they do.
  • Bonus Topic: How did — or how will — the Thanksgiving Day Cooks and/or Hosts leave the kitchen when finished? Like Anthony Bourdain or another real-life cook, or like the Swedish Chef, and why? Or would it be more of a Dr. Bunsen Honeydew aftermath?
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