Deconstructing Limerence and ADHD Impairments: A Self Analysis
Have you ever experienced an admiration or infatuation so strong that the impact was destructive or destabilizing? Can’t stop thinking about a person or figure, thoughts of them interfere with your productivity, have trouble eating, trouble sleeping or even have dreams about them? These are the primary components of a cognitive state known as “Limerence”.
Navigating our ever-evolving American society with ADHD presents it’s own challenges, especially in the arena of human relationships, whether that’s romantic, sexual, emotional or platonic. At 32 years old, I’ve spent most of my adult life ignoring my ADHD impairments and how they’ve affected my friends, family and especially intimate or romantic partners. In November of 2018, I decided to seek the best cognitive health professionals specializing in ADHD I could possibly find. At the time I was excited to finally accept and confront my impairments. I thought I was a prescription away from being “fixed” but it only began a very difficult, vulnerable, introspective and at times painful journey. Once we began to identify, separate and label the impairments, the realization came that the only way to have a successful and healthy human relationship, would be to transparently discuss those as well as my needs with future partners. This can be terrifying, mostly because I, like many, don’t always enjoy reflecting on my weaknesses. I’ve recognized that limerence has played a role in many different relationship failures growing up and even led to some executive function issues professionally in the future.
Let’s Define Some Stuff
ADHD is a complex neurological condition which is a result of a deficiency of neurotransmitters which affect Dopamine, a neurochemical released by the brain when experiencing pleasure or happiness, aka “The reward center.” Many ADHD brains crave stimulation, mostly due to the deficiency in Dopamine and Norepinephrine, which contribute to all kinds of unconscious or conscious behaviors and variable emotions. This is very important in the case of limerence with ADHD because this eventually becomes fuel for potential disastrous emotional fires.
So what even is limerence? The Googled definition is a little broad, but According to psychosexual therapist Cate Mackenzie, “Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts. It is often a result of not being present either through trauma or certain childhood development issues.” Our brains get our non-material needs met in the present by physical actions, but it also gets its needs met in its memories of the past and fantasies of the future. Limerence triggers similar neurochemical reactions as substance addictions. You may create a relationship in your mind over time, where you fantasize about a future with someone who you may not even have the confirmation that they feel the same way back, leaving you feeling addicted to them or their connection. With ADHD, our minds are already racing, looking for stimulation anywhere it can get it; thoughts, made up narratives, sounds, smells, lights, you name it. Now with our terms defined, we can get into the self analysis.
ADHD creates ideal conditions for those voids to manifest a feeling of those needs being met rather than you actually meeting them yourself. One of the first ADHD impairments I identified was how hyper vigilant my mind was, I would often fabricate elaborate scenarios and narratives to fill those voids, often unconsciously. In some cases, these thoughts can be very irrational, to the point where I’d project those feelings in conversation with someone to the point they had to understandably distance themselves. These voids create desire, desire creates a need that must be met by YOURSELF or the fantasy. Instead of doing productive things to work on yourself or build on your well-being overall in the present, it’s easy to unconsciously put yourself into that fantasy world you built in your mind for immediate comfort (Unless your fantasy world is threatened by outside factors, then it’s just a hell world!)
So you are constantly faced with this unpredictable void, which then creates a greater void and becomes cyclical. As soon as someone comes and makes you feel like you ARE good enough, wanted, included, seen, valued, and safe (the voids!) when someone meets those, you wind up getting addicted to them too! As a result of this, the mind places subconscious expectations of that person you are hoping doesn’t change anything because that person is the primary source of those needs.
“When you are conditioned to be so externally focused on other people, one of the casualties in that process is the relationship with yourself.”
Experiencing limerence is typically a sign that you are avoiding traumas within your subconscious that need to be healed. Fight or flight mechanism activates because you feel physically unsafe when you begin to notice you’re losing connection and safety when you’re gone from someone for a long time. The more we have a lack of that connection, the more we crave that wholeness. “The most common issues that lead to Limerence is not knowing yourself properly.” according to PhD student in Transpersonal Counseling, Thais Gibson. “You make deep subconscious associations between connection and safety.” For example, “I feel unsafe when there isn’t consistent, close connection between us.” Personally, I never had the opportunity to learn the ability to become completely independent and self comfort, so my self esteem took a hit as a result. Limiting beliefs are a critical factor; “ I’m not good enough so I always have to win approval or validation” or the feeling of hopelessness and self hate. “When you are conditioned to be so externally focused on other people, one of the casualties in that process is the relationship with yourself.”
So how do we work on this? shit, how do I work on this!? Per Thais Gibson, these could help:
- Know your fears
- Know why you are bothered
- Understand why, self reflect every day and be aware in real time of your feelings, needs, the painful narratives you create yourself, and the result of limiting beliefs or old traumas.
- We should know our desires, our dreams, our values and morals.
- Focus on getting to know yourself. Self reflection exercises, deep breathing and meditation.
The first step sounds a bit broad, but it’s important. A common fear that affects many in a meritocratic, patriarchal and commercially driven society is the fear of introspection. Most people are afraid of being deeply introspective as it can often be confused with questioning oneself or self doubt. However, accepting and owning those emotions as they come, following them back to the root causes without blaming anyone else (not even yourself!) allows you the opportunity to accept yourself as you are.
The final piece of personal advice, and this could help with other forms of intrusive thoughts, is to make multiple changes or apply variables to your daily routine that allow you to do something you really enjoy. I woke up the next day after a depressive episode and grabbed a chocolate croissant and my favorite coffee and made an hour for myself to enjoy the weather. That set me up for a great mood the rest of the day. You can introduce new hobbies, break out them Yu-Gi-Oh cards, puzzles, books you bought but never read! Set some new, light labor goals like starting a new game on an old video game. Having something to fixate on and giving your brain more opportunities for stimulation so…you know, you stop thinking about all the, “Stuff”. At the end of the day, you’re undervaluing yourself and you know it. Love yourself!
