Fear, for Lack of a Worse Word

I feel fine, and now I have to say why I’m not.

I feel like these kinds of questions are asked of me at all the wrong times; when I’m asked about my troubles, I’m at my least troubled. Some may say that’s a good thing, but when you want to get to the very center of those troubles, especially when this may prevent them from spurring up again, I feel it may be best to be in the midst of those troubles. The same can be said for the other way around; If you wanted to be questioned about your good qualities, do you want to feel troubled or do you want to feel fine at the moment of questioning?

I digress.

To me, there are two kinds of fear, fears of life and fears of death. Fears of death are straight and simple, phobias, things that make you feel like you could die at any moment from them. Things like that for me are the likes of heights, sudden loud noises, thunderstorms, walking outside late at night for long periods, etc.; physical attributes that give you a fear that if you encounter these, they would spell the death of you. It gives away an identity of an end of your life, that could practically happen.

Fears of life are psychological in nature; anxiety, exaggerating to the point of seemingly anticipating visions of a possible future in which your well being will be brought to a dead end by letting your lows overwhelm and cloud your goals in life to the point of no return. These fears are the hardest to break as something physical can simply be absent from your surroundings, a fear of life can haunt you for as long as the image remains in your head. This causes most to stop thinking creatively and come to a near brain-dead status, almost like a zombie. I feel like a lot of angry and depressed people go through these kinds of fear the most out of anyone as they allow the fears to take over them a lot easier. I, of course, have a lot of those fears myself; I have the fears that I’m not as creative as I think I am, that I’m lying to myself about what I believe, that I’m treated fairly out of pity, that I’ll never be able to reach anyone and be noticed by one single person and be able to help them think better, that I’m being selfish for even fearing this stuff with it being centered around me, that more and more people are going to be ignorant and idiotic in their lives and not take in the harsh realities they’re either blind or oblivious to so that they can try and help better others, that all of what I’m doing in my life is pointless…Fears of life are a cancer Fears of death couldn’t dream of becoming.

So, let me divulge for a minute here. Again, it’s really hard for me to think of this stuff when I’m in less of a negative mood if that makes sense. My kinds of fear, as you can tell, are ones of mostly anxiety. I most often notice these while tackling something that has to do with pursuing my life, school, sometimes work, a lot of times when I’m driving, and, more often than not, when I’m telling myself stories. I feel like this fear keeps me from actually trying to tackle what I tell myself I want to do with my life, it stops me from having 100% determination to keep going with whatever project I have in mind, and it just stops me from feeling happy with myself. The ironic thing is that those same fears are what I try to put into most of my work, as well as in my day-to-day life, simply because I want to spread those fears to others not to scare them, but to share that they’re not the only ones who have them and that people like them are trying to fight their fears. I feel like if I keep the idea that a fear of mine can exist, I can use my visions to my advantage and take that into account with what I do. However, I have to make sure I don’t overindulge into them otherwise my creativity goes into flux and I’m stuck with a headache and nothing to make.

When I was a kid, I imagined I had two personified halves of my personality, a good me who was mainly just me as I am, and an evil me who pretty much was the embodiment of all of my negative feelings, fears, and mischievous desires. I called the latter Anti-Jacob. Over the years, I made up stories about these two fighting each other in a world that was literally, self aware-ly, inside my imagination. As I’ve grown older, and have since long passed the times I would create such stories in my head, the embodiments still live on in my subconscious. I’d imagine scenarios of the two of them talking, as if viewing my conscience have a conversation, about my personal views, both positive and negative, of the world and life to each other, as if this was my attempt of rationalizing my choices and ideas. Sometimes I would get angry at myself, other times I would feel sad for myself, and I never would be able to come to a satisfying conclusion with myself. Of course, that’s not to say I now have. Point is, I had my own way, even as a kid, to form a way to think about my inner feelings as I was often by myself in school and sometimes at home. I was anxious to talk to adults about what I was feeling and I would never tell them the kind of stuff I was comfortable, for lack of a better word, telling myself. It probably wasn’t the best way to channel my thoughts, but it worked for me to the best extent it could’ve.

When it comes to trying to implement a fear into a project, I always want there to be a message with it otherwise I’d feel like using the fear would be pointless. I know that when using a fear in a piece of art, and if you’re really passionate about making it come to life, the one thing about dealing with the fear is to accept that it exists. It may not go away, it might not fix anything, but you must work with it if you’re ever going to express it properly to others.

These kinds of pieces were made out of fear:

“Respect My Decisions” and “One Sided Scale”

Fears that someone will be looked at with the wrong judgements in mind, with people never knowing what’s truly going on with their side of the situation. Do I still fear these? Yes. Do I accept them as fears? Yes. Unless I or someone else can help me overcome these fears, can I live on with these fears? I like to believe so because now I’ve accepted the fears as a part of my life and that alone will help me push them away as fears and take them in as elements of who I am, for better for worse.

Fear exposes your most vulnerable sides where anyone can harm you if they want, but it’s up to you to take those fears in as your own and turn them into allies for the long run.

A double edged sword may be painful, but that doesn’t mean it’s unusable.

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